Anita,

Very true, the stability from my job and consistency of where I have been living have helped get me back in a better place. I had not recently thought about the correlation between the moving around I was doing and my childhood. Growing up we moved around quite a bit. Finances were not stable.  I can still get really anxious when something unexpected happens. I fear the worse. I’ll be homeless and unable to provide for myself. With the work I have been doing I know this to be untrue. I have, even at my most fearful, always provided for myself. In the future I would like to better my relationship with money. I would like to thrive. Nonetheless,  I am grateful for what I do have.

Yes, past relationships and even the most recent one created turmoil. This last man was really just a distraction from dealing with where my life was. But I was also craving male attention as I still do. I settled with him. I knew he was not good for me or my soul but I continued on. Eventually, the differences were so clear that I could not stand to see him one more time. I have been peaceful since. But, I still believe in my heart that I was born to be a Mom and wife. My lifelong dream! I am 35 now, will it ever be? I have juggled with maybe it won’t. and I will have to live with that. I really just struggle to make friends or relationships. It is the trust issue. I hide myself a lot. I also attract similar patterns in people, but now, more than ever I feel so much more self aware about this.

Last week I started back into my new role after my voluntary demotion. It has been peaceful. I learned so much in leadership. I learned that I lead well. I lead with my heart and soul. My team loved me and I loved them. But, I learned that my boundaries would soon creep in. And to constantly work on boundaries can, at times, be empowering but also exhausting. Most times I gave way too much of myself. I look forward to spending the rest of this year treating work as just work and creating a life outside of it.

Bringing me to my family…

Your always spot on Anita! I can easily go into a nostalgic place with family. I do believe we had some wonderful times. My Father came in June, and it was great! We spent five days together. I knew better than to get attached. He struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. I know too well. He loves me when he can but he will most likely always return to his ways. I am coming to peace with this. As for my brother, it is just simple texts. I just want peace with them. I know they cannot provide the family environment I craved for so long.  But with my niece, this relationship is important to me. I know that she will need me in her life. She is 15 now. She will soon be heading for life’s ups and downs as well all do as we grow up and I want to be a wise person in her life. I love her so much. I am so happy to be in touch with her. I would love to go see her this summer. No exceptions, other than it my job to love her the best I can while I am in her company.

Yes, I wish I would have been able to apply your wonderful advice on relationships in a better way back then. I do believe I can function this way now. Mindfulness can be hard for me some times but I am starting to slow down more. I really would like to create connections that are stimulating and balanced.  I know that it begins with me. If I give/offer to much of me too fast I will likely attract people that will take quicker than I give. I look forward to slowing down. Paying attention to people and just having fun if I can. I just need the motivation to do it. I think talking about it is a start!

I am glad that you are fine. You mean a whole lot to myself, so can imagine how others on here feel as well. We had not spoke for 1.5 years but I always thought about you and your advice. The idea that you spent so much time reading my long, dramatic emails at times and you would be patient and kind and offer really good advice is so beautiful. Always will be appreciated.