Dear Peace,

congratulations on getting married in your homeland too! And having a big wedding that you enjoyed, despite your family not being super happy about it.

What is more important, I am so glad you feel free from your family’s expectations and guilt-tripping, free to enjoy your marriage and your own choices. I am super happy about you and how much you’ve grown and blossomed in these last few years!!

My health is so-so, still suffering from health anxiety. And it is not helping that I have various health issues (smaller but not insignificant) popping up rather frequently… which kind of gives me the reason to worry. So it’s hard to break free from the cycle of worrying… Anyway, I am working on it, hopefully will see some results soon.

During my childhood, my mom was always nice,kinf,loving but not expressive. She never said no to anything I asked, and she never scolded me. She was really kind. But what was missing for me was the feeling of being taken care of. I wished my parents would be more concerned about me, wondering where I was if I disappeared for a bit. Unlike other kids’ parents, mine didn’t ask about my day. It felt like I wasn’t really looked after or belonged to anyone, and that made me feel lonely and i used to look for attention and love from others .

It’s nice that your mother was kind and never scolded you. And that she was physically tender with you and never rejected you when you wanted her comfort and soothing (I remember her arms, the hands that fed me, and her lap, where I would rest my head even though I was getting older). That’s very healthy.

Perhaps what was missing was her showing more interest in you, like asking you how your day was, and also perhaps noticing that you feel sad about something and asking you about it? Maybe she failed to protect you if your siblings (or relatives) were cruel with you? (she couldn’t understand that I needed protection and emotional support.)

If so, it would be a type of emotional neglect (failing to protect you, or failing to notice your mood and comfort you). And as you say, this was inherent in the traditional upbringing: Our family followed the older tradition where having a family and kids was normal, and they didn’t think much beyond basic needs like food, clothes, and getting married. It was usual in our culture for older siblings to take care of the younger ones.

If older siblings were supposed to take care of the younger ones, they of course couldn’t take care of their emotional needs, but of their physical safety at most. Which is not enough, because we need emotional safety and attunement even more than food and clothing. So… if you had no one to take care of your emotional needs, no wonder you felt lonely and unwanted, and looked elsewhere to meet that need (It felt like I wasn’t really looked after or belonged to anyone, and that made me feel lonely and i used to look for attention and love from others.).

It’s not your mom’s fault – it’s just how she was raised and what she knew. But she also gave you a lot of physical touch and cuddling, which is super important, and she was also never abusive (she never criticized you, yelled at you, shamed you, or emotionally manipulated you). This all means that you did get a lot of her love, only it wasn’t complete. As you yourself said, emotional protection and support was missing… but now you are getting it from your husband, and are also giving it to yourself. Which is why you’ve had a major healing!

And I am super happy for all the healing and growth you’ve experienced, and all the positive vibes coming from you! Congratulations, Peace!