Hey SereneWolf,

I’ve never replied to your last post in November, so I’ll try do it now…

Oh I see, I didn’t know so thanks for sharing. Then how can same kind of wound could have opposite ends of spectrum?

I think it can be compared to a reaction to a physical attack: one person runs away, another person fights back. The same trauma, diametrically opposite reactions. Same here: you felt strong enough not to need anything from your parents, whereas I felt too weak to do anything on my own.

Also in my case excessive self-reliance is depleting my energy quickly and burning me out time to time yet still attacking my self-esteem. Like I’d be like I can do it no matter what and then when I’m not able to I blame myself subconsciously.

I can imagine how excessive self-reliance is depleting you quickly. And then you blame yourself when you’re burnt out and haven’t succeeded in your (Herculean) task. You’re expecting a lot (too much) of yourself, you give yourself (too) big tasks, and then you’re putting yourself down when you don’t succeed. Would you agree with that?

Because in my head I’m like what others can do? I have to rely on myself to get things done.

I think that’s your core belief speaking: I have to rely on myself to get things done. No one will help me.

So your false core belief could be: I have to rely on myself.

Because my trust issues adds up in this as well. But we can change our “modus operandi” right? How you’re still coping with feeling helpless?

Yes, we can change our modus operandi. A part of it is changing our false core beliefs. Mine would be “I am helpless”. Yours would be “I have to rely on myself”.

Yeah, I guess my mother thought peace in the family means more than my protection or my mental health and to be honest even now my parents aren’t much aware about like mental health is a thing. They think if you’re getting basic needs, you should be happier and kind of materialistic happiness. Because of the small village mentality.

Same here: peace (no conflict) was more important for my father, and they didn’t think mental health is that important. They were otherwise educated and all that, but still, it was long ago when I was a child, and they were still applying a lot of the “old school” upbringing methods, specially my mother.

Also My mother did told me most of her life all she did is just calm my father’s anger because of relatives and other things going on. Which I think is very toxic on my father’s side.

Yes, same here. My father was trying to calm down my mother, I think he believed she was emotionally fragile and would break down if he were stricter with her, i.e. if he set some boundaries. I think he was protecting her from mental breakdown, in fact. But he did us all a disservice, because he just enabled her toxic behavior, which had a huge negative impact on me (much more than on him, because he could disconnect and emotionally numb himself, which he did. But I couldn’t – I grew up in it and it formed me.)

I guess she just didn’t think about standing up for herself. Which could be the same case for your father?

Yeah, I think the key issue for my father was his own upbringing with a “martyr” covert narcissistic mother and him always suppressing his needs to trying to make his mother happy. That was what formed him. And my mother was a similar “martyr” (in her own eyes), though not narcissistic. But his dynamic was similar: trying to please and appease his mother, and later his wife. So there was no way he would stand up for himself. I mean, he did have success in his career, but he was pretty suppressed at home.

For your mother, she was perhaps financially dependent on your father as well, so that came into play as well? And the whole patriarchy thing, which I guess was still strong while you were growing up, right? So I can see why it might have been more difficult for her to standup for herself than it was for my father.

Yeah that’s right and I think main issue here is our ruined self-esteem as a result which isn’t easier to heal faster. So now that you are aware that you weren’t the faulty child yet it’s still rooted in you? That’s what you mean?

No, I don’t believe I am unworthy any more, but I still have a lot of procrastination when it comes to my career and the things I’d like to achieve. It’s like I am frozen a bit. And having all these health issues, and worrying about them, isn’t helping either: it makes me worry about it and ruminate and I end up feeling paralyzed. Like, I know what I want, but I am not working towards it.

It’s related to my childhood “freeze” I think, where my mother feared too much for me and was the happiest when I was by her side, in “safety”. Riding a bike was seen as risky by her, so my parents never bought me a bike and I never learned how to ride (I think I’ve told you that already). So it’s this “deep freeze”, deep fear of facing challenges.

In my case luckily it’s not bad as before (But still) I do feel I have to achieve much more and I’m not good enough just yet.

Yeah, it seems your sense of not being good enough manifests in you pushing yourself above the limits, expecting too much of yourself (and believing you need to do it all by yourself). Whereas for me, I am not pushing myself at all, I am frozen. Again, we have the opposite reaction to a similar injury…

It’s like you would need to tell yourself: “I am good enough and I am doing enough“. And I would need to tell myself “I am good enough and I can do this next step.” Perhaps 🙂

I’m going to pause here and reply to the rest of your post a bit later…

Take care!