Hey SereneWolf,

Yes only one but even with him there was different kind of communication mostly we would just play with each other and just talk about crazy ideas and we were both brilliant students.

Did you feel some competition with him? Did your father compare you to him? Because I was thinking that perhaps one of the reasons you didn’t have many friends is that your father stressed competition, he was always comparing you to other kids, and perhaps that’s why you didn’t like them or you felt resentment towards them?

I thought about it and I think it’s that feeling like unconditional love doesn’t exist so they must be need me for something that’s why they’re being nice.etc

Right, because the love you’ve experienced from your father was very conditional. He only showed you love when you were the best in class – everything else was not good enough. Whenever you made a mistake (like when handing him the wrong tool), he didn’t show you love. So… his love was very conditional.

I’d say your mom’s love was limited, same as my father’s, because they didn’t protect us. They gaslighted us and minimized the problem. That too wasn’t a strong, unquestionable love, the kind of love you can really trust.

Because if I understood well, your mom showed you love and tenderness when you could forgive your father and be “mature” about it, but she was sad and worried when you couldn’t, right? In a way, she was sending you the message that you are only acceptable if you forgive and endure your father’s abuse… (I am not claiming this, please correct me if I am wrong).

I guess I did hear things like that in my teenage like “people are just there for their means”

Did your parents use to say that?

At friendship level I do trust lately I found that it’s really easy for me to make friends. I made two friends and much younger than me and both are quite understanding and mature and I’m trying to be more vulnerable with them since they don’t shy away to be vulnerable with me.

Good to hear you can now make friends more easily. This means some of your fears are melting away… for example, the fear of showing vulnerability is melting away, which is great!

But when it comes to romantic relationships that’s where trust is no more

Yeah, in a romantic relationship stakes are higher. One bares their soul completely, and that’s pretty vulnerable. Also, the attachment is stronger than with friends. If we get attached, and the person leaves us or betrays us, it hurts more.

The things is that attachment and vulnerability (as the key components of a romantic relationship) are the same key components of our childhood relationship with our parents. If we have attachment wounds from that period, those will get triggered in our adult romantic relationships.

For example, if we felt conditionally loved, we may believe that our partner will only love us if we earn enough money. Or they will only love us if we are perfect, if we never show any weakness.

Yes you put it in the right words. We did take it like a “project”.

Kind of yes because I noticed that I always loved hard. I haven’t been taught to love in a soft way.

Does loving hard mean to work hard on the relationship? To have a relationship which feels like a project?

Maybe loving hard also means that you need to work hard to be lovable? That you need to be successful, so she would love you (she can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something good)?