Dear Anita,

Lol yes, I guess paradoxy is a fitting name for me at this point.

“You love her, but alas, the paradox: you also love to hate her, evident in the many upper case typing.” I do not love to hate her. The use of upper case typing is whenever I feel the rising anger in me as I am literally writing out my thoughts here. The things that I hate about her are the things that torment me. I have not slept properly in the last 3 months. I have been going through a depressed phase of just wanting the pain to end, whether it be through death or amnesia or something. But I understand your point. I never thought of the possibility that I could be projecting my hate for women in general, on B. But I still disagree with it, because if I hated women like that, I would not have even tried dating at all. All i wanted was to find a woman who can be a good friend to me, who is willing to care for me, and do everything else a wife should do, have God at the center of our life and I just wanted to serve such a deserving woman. I just wanted to find such a perfect woman, someone who despite her flaws is still the most perfect being I have ever met. I would be more than willing to serve such a woman, to give her everything she wants, to keep her on that high pedestal, to be treated like the queen that she is. It will be my honor to serve such a woman. And I believed I found that in B, and I have realized that even though she has done a lot of stupid things, she is still 100000x better than most of the other women that I have met. Its like I cannot even blame her for being stupid cause I know she is trying her best to do the right things. How do you even improve someone’s decision making skills? Like how do you teach someone to make better decisions?

Yes you are right about the things I said in 2020, but it had all changed upon meeting B. I had initially loved the pain, the ‘Dark Energy’ but meeting B completely annihilated that feeling. The feeling of being loved by someone for the first time was literally changing me for the better. Knowing that I had her in my life felt like a factory reset button. I was a thousand times happier, more energetic, no longer depressed, no longer suicidal, no longer in love with that Dark Energy. I wanted to do everything I could to make her life better. I wanted to treat her like the special woman that she is. I literally wanted to just serve her, to maintain her happiness, etc. But now that I lost her, I can feel the things of the past slowly creeping back into me, starting with self hate.

I think I agree with what I said in March 23-25, I do not wish to fall in love again. I do not wish to endure such pain again. Love is blinding, a pain in my behind. The relationship with B has ruined me for the worst. I literally do not want to be with anyone else. I do not want to even give anyone a chance, cause that is the mindset I grew up in. Love one woman and one woman only. Even if I give another woman a chance, I feel like I would constantly be subconsciously comparing her to B, and I do not think that is right nor fair for that person. I have grown to realize that everyone else is happier without me existing in their life. All I would be is a source of pain for others, which I do not wish to do. I have thought about everything in my life and I have realized that if my role in each event had been removed, the persons affected by the event would have been happier. Maybe I should blame myself for breaking up with B in January, which caused her to do what she did. Maybe the love I offered was not good enough. I don’t know. And just like I predicted, by choosing to love again, I became an idiot and a fool.

My parents are good people. Though their methods are questionable, their aim was to help me. They did not physically abuse me. But you could say that I was emotionally abused, while B was physically abused.

“In addition to their abuse, they instilled in you the core belief that women are bad, dishonest people who are not to be trusted” No they did not install in me that women are bad, dishonest people. They have taught me that women in the modernized world, can have ulterior motives for loving you so I should have my guard up and should not be vulnerable around a woman. But I am wise enough to realize that though they meant their words to apply to all modern woman, there will always be exceptions to their belief and I should become wise enough to distinguish a proper woman from gold diggers and etc. I listened to my parents but their words only guide me, not control me. So I do not believe that all women are bad, dishonest people. That is why I argued with my parents that B was different from the rest. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

I am not directing the anger for my parents on other people. Do not misunderstand, but I am wise enough to decide who deserves my anger and who does not. My parents are generally good people, they have only wanted the best for me. It is just that their methods are a bit too old fashioned. They are too narrow minded to accept change in life style. To accept a different method to handling situations. They have never listened to me. Always discouraging me from what I wanted to do. Even this med career was their fault. I never wanted this. I wanted to do music or computers. But here I am. But they are still good people. But their methods are questionable, just like Aunt 1, but they are nowhere near as morally twisted and stupid as Aunt 1, and they will never cross that moral line. I am wise enough to see the underlying meaning/purpose behind their actions and therefore, I have chosen to forgive my parents because they do not know any better and their wisdom still taught me to be a good man to the best of my ability, but I will never forget the pain, the anger, I have endured cause of them.

Yes my anger is directed at B right now. Cause she had the power to make the right decision and she still chose wrong. She had many opportunities to tell me the truth. She had opportunities to reject her aunt’s plan. But instead she went along with it. She is a 22 year old who obviously knew what was wrong and what was right. She was aware of the things I liked and the things I hated. She knew that I hated seeing her in revealing outfits in public. She knew that sleeping with another man is wrong. That is why I said that she is a full grown adult capable of making proper decisions because she knows what is right and what is wrong, yet she still intentionally chose wrong.

My anger towards my parents and the anger towards B are totally different things. Do not muddle up those two. I am not that foolish. It is part of my moral code to never redirect anger to someone else, cause I have experienced that myself. I have had my parents’ anger towards something else redirected to me, so I know how it feels so it is part of my morals to never redirect my anger for my parents towards someone else, to never let anyone suffer the way I suffered.

Paradoxy