Dear Tee,

Thank you for understanding my pain. Even now she keeps asking me to take her back, but it is very difficult for me to forget what happened. When I initially found out about what happened, one of my friends told me that he could feel the negative energy radiating off me, and I ranted to him about what she did and he said that he wouldn’t mind, that he would forgive. So am I the problem? She sounds like she really regret her actions, but she has repeated the same foolishness so many times that it is hard to just forgive.

I asked her, what if one day we were walking and a female classmate came to give me a hug and I hugged her back? Obviously she wouldn’t like it. And she would tell me that she does not like it when I get too close to women. Then imagine I apologize and say I won’t do it again, then few days later, she finds me hugging another woman. Then imagine I apologize AGAIN and promise to never do it AGAIN, then a few weeks later she finds me hugging another woman AGAIN. Then imagine I plead and beg for her to take me back and she decides to give me one LAST chance, only to find me giving a friendly kiss to a woman’s cheek. How would she feel then? She would feel like I am not learning. I am not changing. That I am making false promises. That I do not respect her. She would consider breaking up with me permanently. That is how I feel. That is the conflict I am facing.

“Okay, so you asked her – not too tactfully – if she was a gold digger” Yea I was not planning to play no games with her. I am an honest man and I always speak the truth and I prefer to be straight forward. So I asked her the question. I understand how she felt in that moment. I understand that she felt offended. But at least listen to me when I correct her misunderstanding. At least give me a chance to explain myself. I just wanted to hear her say that she truly loved me. Just like how she asks me every five seconds whether I still love her, and as annoying as that question is, I still tell her how much I love her. But a break up like that is not an excuse to go sleep with another man. I understand that she was hurting but that is not a valid reason to sleep with another man, which actualy proved my parents right. She literally proved that she was the very thing that she denied being. She proved that the stereotype that my parents had about women in general was true, and made me look like a fool for trying to convince my parents that she was the exception.

“And not only that, but she invited him to live with her” You are right about everything you said except one thing. She did not invite her ex to come live as her housemate. Her ex is actually her other housemate’s brother. There are three people living in the house. It used to be 3 women, but when her bestie (who is actually a bigger cheater than B but they cut ties when B started to see her true nature) left the house, the other woman invited her brother (B’s ex) to live in the house in the vacant room, since he needed a place to stay. But she only told me it was a man. She did not specify that the man was actually her ex. And I had to find out in the most dramatic way ever, where he tried to attack me for being her bf, his jealousy. His face looked familiar to me, so I asked her if this ex was the same man she was half naked with in the picture earlier, but she denied it MULTIPLE TIMES until she finally confessed a year later while confessing the cheating. So that is two betrayals at one time that I had to deal with. B told me that the female housemate begged her to let T live in the vacant room, and that he would leave in a few months because he was going to graduate from law school soon, so she decided to let him stay. And as a very forgiving man, as stupid as I am, I decided to let it go too.

I asked her again today why she did what she did. And she told me that it was because she felt obligated to, she felt like she should obey her aunt, cause breaking up with me made her feel like only her aunt cared about her. So she just did what her aunt told her to. I understand how she felt, but that does not make it right. But every time she calls, crying and everything, I cannot bear the thought of seeing her hurt, to see her in pain. I cannot. It is painful for me. A part of me wants to believe that she has changed. But I am trying to keep a cold face, pushing aside all my emotions cause I feel that breaking up with her is the best option for me and her. Maybe she will treat her next man better.

“I am sure her aunt told her that too, and probably encouraged her to use her attributes to find a rich husband.” I feel that if this was the case, I am pretty sure B would have slept with her manager to keep her job. But she didn’t (as far as I know, and the fact that the manager caused her to get fired) so I do not think her aunt impacted her in that manner. I think the aunt just told her that she should take advantage of men, but the influence was not strong enough to actually act on what her aunt said, as she knows it is wrong. And she sure wouldn’t have chosen me, cause I don’t have a job or anything. If she was focused on getting a rich husband, she could have taken the offer made by a rich army man who wanted to marry her (long distance relationship while she was living with the aunt) but she did not take that offer, so I do not have enough evidence to actually believe she was planning to use men herself. She just seemed to be following her aunt’s orders, and that too for only one time. But one time was enough to screw up everything. Based on all of this, she does not seem to see herself as a sex object or anything. She always reads the bible and prays almost everyday. I don’t think she would go against the bible’s rules, but she knows how attractive she is. And as for the bikini post, I think she just forgot that I disliked her doing stuff like that. She is actually a private woman, who barely posts anything about herself. She literally has like one post regarding pictures she took at a modeling agency, and even in the bikini post, it was a status post that had limited viewers too. I think the thought of me disliking such behavior just went over her head cause she sometimes does not think straight. So she did not actually have a strong drive to post the picture, but she still did impulsively. But that means that if she can do something stupid once, she can do something stupid again later. But either way, we were already broken up, so idk if that technicality relieves her from the responsibility of not going against my wishes. But she should not have went against my wishes, especially if she wanted even a 1% chance of me taking her back.

I thought all she needed was to be loved properly. But I was wrong. I suppose she needs individual therapy. I will suggest that to her. Thank you for the advice.

Paradoxy.