Hey SereneWolf,

happy to hear from you, and that you’re actually doing good!

How you been doing? Feeling better?

Ahh, right now my back pain has flared up again for no apparent reason, so I am not happy about it and kind of confused. My worry and anxiety want to creep in, but I am managing to keep them at bay. It’s like I see the emotion coming, like wanting to breaking down and cry, but I don’t let it take over. I stop myself from going down that path again… So we’ll see. It’s challenging, but I don’t feel totally hopeless and depressed, like last year, for example.

I’ve been busy with onboarding process and meetings and I’m actually quite more confident now than before. Team seems really supportive, Even my manager.

Sounds great! I am happy that you feel more confident, and that you feel the team and the manager are supportive. Fantastic!

I’ve watched the video of “How to stop comparing yourself with others” as you suggested and it’s definitely insightful. I was mainly worried about the competition and that’s why I had scarcity mindset, Maybe still a little.
I’ve also understood that my goal is not to being better than everyone and somewhere my subconscious does believed that.

Yeah, because you’ve been hearing all your childhood (and beyond) “look at him, why can’t you do better”. And you were only awarded for being the best in class – anything else was “not good enough”. So yeah, that’s the programming you grew up with. No wonder it led you to comparing yourself to others, wanting to compete, always feeling worse than others.

But because of this video and like you also told me in a recent post I am in touch with myself so I’m not comparing myself to others like I did before…

I am happy this is gradually changing and you don’t feel the urge to compare yourself to others that much. Sure, it will take time to eradicate it completely, but the need, the compulsion, is not so strong any more, which is a great development…

I also wanted to share a thing that I read on my feed few days ago and it was according to this thread title, Like why I feel like time is passing too fast and one of the reason is even though I was longing for novelty there was no novelty. But now there is. and another thing is being in the present moment I was constantly anxious/worried about the future if I’d be able to achieve my goals and that constant anxiety of what if I fail.

It’s good to hear that you can stay in the present moment more, without the need to project into the future what you should achieve, and then immediately worrying that you’ll fail. That was really exhausting!

I am happy you can stay in the present moment more, and appreciate what you’ve achieved so far. You may want to give yourself an imaginary (or real 🙂 ) pat on the back, because you have achieved a lot. Good that you are slowly recognizing it:

I was thinking like how much I’m underestimating myself most of the time because of (maybe low self esteem). In my life I can count lot of successes from all these years

I’m strong enough I faced lot of things

Yes, absolutely! Starting from facing the lion at the country road 🙂 to being locked down in a container at an industrial complex, to living on your own since 16 years old, to finishing your degree and working in parallel, to being the youngest manager at your previous workplace, to many other successes… So yes, SereneWolf, you are incredibly resilient, and resourceful, I’d say!

In my life I can count lot of successes from all these years but yet what I’m remembering? not those. I’m remembering what things I did wrong.

Because that’s what your father put the emphasis on: on your failures, not your successes. He took your successes for granted, but he was ranting and fuming about your mistakes, about what you did wrong.

and why it is like that we don’t feel joy longer for our successes but we feel pain for even smaller failure for extended periods?

Because of the same reason as above: because we were not praised for our achievements, but were punished for even the smallest mistake. And that hurt a lot…