Dear antarkala:

You are welcome. “When I feel jealous, I tell myself I don’t deserve to be a friend. How do I approach this?“- (1) tell yourself the truth: that what we people feel is not our choice; it is only our vocalized words and actions taken that are subject to our choosing.

No choice (such as in feeling jealous)= no personal responsibility (no valid guilt).

(2) apply an empathetic attitude toward yourself. Imagine a little child who was jealous of other children, would you frown at the child and berate him/ her for feeling jealous, or would you gently ask the child what is bothering her, what’s behind the jealousy?  If you uncover what’s underneath your jealousy, you’ll find some old hurt: it’d be easier for you to feel empathy for yourself for hurting (underneath the jealousy) than for the jealousy itself.

“I want to understand where my social anxiety is coming from and how to overcome it“- the first society in a person’s life is the family one is born into. If a child was anxious in the context of that first, mini society, the child is likely to grow up to be anxious in the bigger society. For example, a child may have gentle, fair and loving parents, but if the parents are often anxious, worried about things, and the child notices it..  their anxiety naturally passes on to the child.

“I understand how what my mom told me influenced me… She told me, I just moved to a new country and I am taking this – decision in a mentally weak state, out of loneliness in the new country“- your mother had a good point there, a valid concern. From what you shared about your boyfriend though, he reads like a gentle.. non-dangerous guy at all, so you were not in danger with him.

“No, my parents do not present themselves as perfect“- good job on their part!

“I believe a marriage is not just about wife and husband but also about both families. I also keep thinking, if I marry my boyfriend, how compatible are our families? My parents are getting older as well and they need company, we don’t have close ties with relatives and I want the family I marry into to bond well with mine. – Is it too much to ask?“- no, it’s not too much to ask, and it’s in your rights to ask for this. Therefore, before you consider marrying a man, get to know his feelings about both families being part of the marriage, and if the two of you have a meeting of the minds, get the families together so that everyone can get to know each other.

Till next time we talk, take good care of yourself!

anita