Dear Tee,

I asked B recently why she did what she did and she told me that when we broke up, she was heart broken and felt abandoned and in that moment, she felt that the only person who cared for her was her aunt. So she decided to just do what her aunt told her to do, because she was under the impression that only her aunt cared for her. So heart break just became a catalyst for what happened, and her aunt was waiting for the opportunity like a predator waiting to pounce on their prey and B fell right into her trap.

But despite that, it is still bs like you said cause she went with the man 3 times out of which she slept with him twice, with multiple opportunites where she could have gotten herself out of the situation, but she did not take those opportunities because she thought that she would get in trouble with her aunt as she is in a whole different country with no other place to stay. She is also claiming to take responsibility while also blaming me for my role in what happened.

Nobody forced her to stay with me, but she said she felt the need for my validation. Like some psychological validation that she was worth it. Similar to how some girls who are popular with men gets their pride hurt when they find a man not interested in them, so they annoy the guy until they receive his validation.

She may be 24, but I am starting to think that she is a child trapped in an adult’s body. Its like her brain resets every 5 minutes and everything I tell her just goes over the head. You can literally feel the words going in one ear and her processing it for a second and then leaving the other ear. Like she just threw common sense out the window and she has not even realized it. Thats how dumb it has become. And I think she is behaving like a 5 year old because she did not get the love she deserved from her own parents and family members. The lack of proper guidance prevents her from knowing how to act in certain situations, therefore resulting in the current drama. So can you really be mad at a 5 year old? I know I sound like I am making excuses but I would like to view the situation from as many angles as possible.

And she said that she was not aware that the money was coming from the man until the man came to get her. But she could have rejected the man and told him that she would pay him back. It is not like the man could rape her cause then he would have no other option but to kill her, which he cannot do cause too many people are involved in the situation. But even if she got raped, I would have been able to forgive her cause then it would be against her consent, and therefore she would not have a choice. But the reality is that she did have a choice, she just chose wrong. And I don’t see her craving men’s attention, she just naturally gets the attention cause that is how physically attractive she is, so I don’t see any craving. She is fine with staying at home minding her own business if that is all she had to do. But she did say that all her dress ups were for herself  (including the bikini outfit), which I think is bs cause no woman dresses up in a fancy outfit just for themself. And another excuse she had for the bikini incident is that she was in her bikini early morning when everyone was asleep, which is so stupid cause she is literally at a resort, she cannot possibly assume that everyone would be asleep. This level of stupidity makes me wonder whether she is actually 24 or actually 5.

She also said that she said all those things about me ruining her life and etc cause she misunderstood and she was just angry and she asked me to forgive her for what she said in anger, so should I? It still doesn’t change the fact that she felt that way cause of me, despite the fact that I have explained myself countless times.

“She has wounds and self-esteem issues that predate you, but instead of admitting it and taking responsibility for it, she found someone to blame: you.” The funny thing is that she admits her mistake one moment, and then blames me again, then goes back to apologizing for her mistake and then comes right back to blaming me again. It is a continuous cycle of her apologizing and blaming me. I think she just wants me to be blamed for my role in causing her mistake, even if she takes responsibility for actually doing the mistake. So she takes responsibility over her actions AND blames me for causing her to do these actions.

Regarding my attitude towards women, you clearly did not read what I said the last time we had this conversaion. I see women as persons that should be respected and loved and cared for and treated like queens. I have no other attitude towards women. What I do have is a stereotype that was created by observing real life situations of some women’s behavior to their own partner, not just something my father taught me. My father AND mother just supported the stereotype by advising me that cruel women existed, and most of them are women that are heavily influenced by modern society. It wouldn’t make sense if a woman was hurt by me simply saying that there are a lot of gold diggers out there. It would only make sense for the woman to be hurt if I said “You are a gold digger” because that is a direct insult. But of course there are the type who overthink too much and misunderstand what I am saying. We live in a society where divorce over stupid reasons is normalized; A society where men are constantly afraid of who they marry due to the possibility of losing half their wealth. Besides, can it really be considered misogynistic if there is actual evidence that proves the misogynistic theories to be true?

I do see what you are saying and I totally agree with you, and I have already made the final decision but it is just difficult to cut off the part of me that still cares.

“She is falsely accusing you of lying and wanting to cheat on her” B accused me of lying because I told her that I did not tell my friend that we were fighting, but I actually did tell him. But that doesn’t change the fact that her behavior and her lying is 1000x worse than my one lie. I also think that she came to the conclusion of the possibility of me cheating cause of that one interaction with my crush from high school which I forgot to tell her about, which she assumes to be a lie too. But like I said, she claims to have said what she said in anger, just like I have called her rude names in anger too, so should I really not forgive her for her false accusations?

I believe that she did not want me to tell my friend that we broke up because she knows that my friend will ask for the reason behind the break up and she doesn’t want my friend to know what she did. So the reason behind the break up is the horrible embarrassing secret that she wanted to hide, and not the break up itself.

I am pretty sure she is well aware of how stupid her accusations are. But in her moment of anger, she forgot all the things she did and only focused on what I did. So she knows that she has a log in her eye, she just chose to ignore it.

I know that she is a guilt-tripper and manipulator, but it is like she doesn’t even realize she is doing it. It is like a 5 year old crying and throwing tantrums and pouting and showing glassy eyes to get what the child wants, and you just feel so sorry for the child that you just feel the temptation to give in to what the child wants. I think I actually just spoiled her by forgiving her so many times already.

Everything else you said is true. I will just have to work on fixing it. There is a saying, that you should not go to the market when you are hungry because you will just buy the wrong things. Maybe I just picked the wrong person out of my own desperation for a friend.

Paradoxy