Dear Paradoxy,

I asked B recently why she did what she did and she told me that when we broke up, she was heart broken and felt abandoned and in that moment, she felt that the only person who cared for her was her aunt. So she decided to just do what her aunt told her to do, because she was under the impression that only her aunt cared for her. So heart break just became a catalyst for what happened, and her aunt was waiting for the opportunity like a predator waiting to pounce on their prey and B fell right into her trap.

This idea that she was a puppet of her aunt’s is a false one, because she already rejected her aunt’s wishes in the past. Her aunt told her to stop seeing Al, and she didn’t obey, which lead to her stopping contact with her aunt for an entire year:

She told B to leave Al because she knew Al was not a good man but B, on her own accord, rejected her aunt and decided to stay with him. After which, she stopped talking to aunt 1 for a year.

She could have similarly rejected her aunt’s wishes in the prostitution case too. But she didn’t. And eventually she even developed feelings for the guy.

So can you really be mad at a 5 year old?

You should certainly not date a 5-year old…

And I don’t see her craving men’s attention, she just naturally gets the attention cause that is how physically attractive she is, so I don’t see any craving

She gets the attention, but she also returns the attention, e.g. she started sexting with the classmate of yours who was hitting on her, right after you broke up. She went to the resort to meet her guy friend, right after another breakup of yours. She went to a concert, where the music artist started hitting on her – which means that she made herself quite visible, so the music artist would single her out from the crowd. This all seems like someone who is very much craving and seeking male attention, not only passively receiving it.

She is fine with staying at home minding her own business if that is all she had to do.

Is she really? Because after your most recent breakup, she didn’t stay at home, but immediately went to party with her girlfriends, and then she went to a resort to be with her guy friend, and then she went to the beach:

her going to a concert with her girlfriends right after the break up to party (which she knows I am not a fan of cause she gets hit on by men a lot, which is exactly what happened at the concert by a music artist), her going to a resort several hours away to be with her guy friend, hugging her guy friend and his friend too close, her wearing a bikini/revealing outfit (while with her guy friend) and posting it despite knowing that I hated it, going to the beach in another revealing outfit,

But she did say that all her dress ups were for herself  (including the bikini outfit), which I think is bs cause no woman dresses up in a fancy outfit just for themselves.

If it were for herself, she wouldn’t have put it on social media.

And another excuse she had for the bikini incident is that she was in her bikini early morning when everyone was asleep, which is so stupid cause she is literally at a resort, she cannot possibly assume that everyone would be asleep.

Paradoxy, you are forgetting that she went to the resort with the goal to meet her guy friend. She didn’t go there to have a swim early in the morning while no one is around. She went to meet him. And she did. And they took a photo. And she posted it on social media. Her true intentions are very clear and transparent, but she is trying to muddle the waters with her ridiculous excuses. She is trying to make a fool of you, Paradoxy.

She also said that she said all those things about me ruining her life and etc cause she misunderstood and she was just angry and she asked me to forgive her for what she said in anger, so should I?

Please look up the term “the abuse cycle”: it is when the abuser is trying to convince their victim to stay in the relationship, by promising they would change and claiming they didn’t mean what they said, and that they are sorry. The victim agrees and the relationship gets better for a short while, but then the abuse starts again. The abuser never really changes. All those are empty promises.

You said she never listens to you:

Its like her brain resets every 5 minutes and everything I tell her just goes over the head. You can literally feel the words going in one ear and her processing it for a second and then leaving the other ear.

You have been trying to explain to her why her behavior is hurting you, why it is wrong, but she doesn’t even want to hear it. To me this is a sign that she doesn’t want to change. She isn’t interested in hearing how she is hurting you. She is only interested in continuing the status quo.

she admits her mistake one moment, and then blames me again, then goes back to apologizing apologizing and blaming me. I think she just wants me to be blamed for my role in causing her mistake, even if she takes responsibility for actually doing the mistake. So she takes responsibility over her actions AND blames me for causing her to do these actions.

No, she doesn’t take responsibility for her actions. She is blaming you. She only admits that she did the deed (e.g. sleep with someone for money). But she is blaming you for it.

But that doesn’t change the fact that her behavior and her lying is 1000x worse than my one lie.

Yes, and your lie wasn’t a lie really. It was a promise to her not to tell the truth to anybody, even to your close friend. So she actually asked you to lie. And you didn’t oblige.

So the technicality of the issue makes me look like I betrayed her and lied to her.

Don’t get caught up on technicalities. Look at the bigger picture. As you yourself said, she is treating you 1000 times worse than you treat her. She is pointing out at the speck in your eye (your inability to hide the truth from your close friend, or you getting angry and calling her names), whereas she refuses to see a massive log in her own eye.

But like I said, she claims to have said what she said in anger, just like I have called her rude names in anger too, so should I really not forgive her for her false accusations?

No, you shouldn’t, because she will be “angry” again and will accuse you unjustly again (as it happens in the abuse cycle). And she is still accusing you for the fact that she cheated and prostituted herself. She took no responsibility for it – she is blaming either you or her aunt. But she herself took no responsibility.

I know that she is a guilt-tripper and manipulator, but it is like she doesn’t even realize she is doing it. It is like a 5 year old crying and throwing tantrums and pouting and showing glassy eyes to get what the child wants, and you just feel so sorry for the child that you just feel the temptation to give in to what the child wants.

As I said, better not have a relationship with a 5-year old…

You know what one of the key features of a toxic person is? They never take responsibility for their actions and always blame others. You can say that she is a like a 5-year old, or you can say that she is a toxic person. Regardless of how you choose to view it, she is not someone you want be in a relationship with.

There is a saying, that you should not go to the market when you are hungry because you will just buy the wrong things. Maybe I just picked the wrong person out of my own desperation for a friend.

A very good and apt saying. Yes, she seemed supportive of your interests and hobbies (and maybe she really is), but otherwise her behavior is very toxic. As I said before, she is hurting you twice: first by her actions (cheating/acting out sexually), and then by blaming you for those actions.

Perhaps a part of the attraction you feel for her is not only that she is supportive of your hobbies and interests, but also that she is very stubborn and doesn’t want to listen to you – just like your parents wouldn’t listen to you.

So perhaps there is an urge in you to get your parents to listen and understand your needs, by proxy: by trying to get her to listen and understand your needs. Which she clearly doesn’t want to…