Dear Tee,

“This idea that she was a puppet of her aunt’s is a false one” I still think there was a degree of manipulation though because she continued to date Al cause there was no negative emotion or anything making her vulnerable at the time, but in my case, the heartbreak made her vulnerable to the manipulation. I think B still made her own decision but it was heavily influenced by her aunt. You cannot compare Al’s situation with this one because Al’s situation happened in the country where most of her family is and there was always someone who will care for her (her dad at least) but in the incident in January, B was in a whole different country where the only family available to her was her aunt, who had the responsibility of getting her plane tickets and providing her a home and food etc. So knowing that there was no one else to turn to other than her aunt would probably be a factor in her decision to obey her aunt. Besides, she also told me that she did not want to tell her dad or anyone else because she felt embarrassed by what was happening because she had been telling people that the money came from the aunt but later she found out the money came from a man who wanted to sleep with her. Her pride got in the way of her decision making. But yes, I have told her that she had the power to say no to her aunt cause her aunt wouldn’t be able to force her into doing anything so in the end it was her own decision to go with the man but the Aunt set up the whole ordeal and influenced her decision making. And she said that she started to like the guy because he did not discriminate her like my parents and I did (which was a misunderstanding that I corrected after like a 100 arguments).

“You should certainly not date a 5-year old…” Yea, I was naive enough to believe that if I loved her enough, I could teach her to act like a mature woman.

 “She gets the attention, but she also returns the attention” She didn’t go to the guy and start sexting him. The guy came to her to sext and she just entertained the things he said. The concert and her plan to visit her guy friend were always planned cause she had already informed me about being invited by her girlfriends to go the concert and the guy friend was visiting from Spain after several years and it was the first time in a while he came to visit. I had no problem with her going to these places, the real problem was how she would behave at these places. And she proved me fears to be correct. Based on the videos she recorded, it doesn’t seem like she was actively trying to make herself visible, and in the case of her hugging the guy and wearing the bikini, I see pure stupidity cause the pictures she took indicate that she is oblivious to the fact that the guy friend’s friend has his arm around her back ending near the breast region while the bikini incident occurred at around 6 am where she assumed everyone would be asleep, but obviously not cause her guy friend was awake. I also noticed that the outfit that she chose to wear are extremely short, cut jeans while everyone else including the females were wearing long, more modest clothing. I pointed out all of these things and she acknowledged that she was not thinking when she did all of this and apologized for it but idk if I should even consider her apology. The way that she behaves just shows how stupid and oblivious she is. She doesn’t even appear to be intentionally doing it, she is just operating on literally three brain cells, so it is hard to assume that she is craving the attention, she is just an extrovert that likes to party and enjoy life etc.

Going to the concert and going to the resort were pre-planned things but she had told me that she did not feel like going but our fight as well as pressure from her friends probably convinced her to go to clear her mind from the fighting we were having. She definitely did not tell me the details of her plans though because I was only told that she was going to the concert and visit the friend, which I was fine with but she did not tell me about the things she were going to do at the resort (maybe she was not aware of what her friend’s plans were but idk).

“If it were for herself, she wouldn’t have put it on social media.” That is exactly what I told her but she said that her status were only available for her girlfriends and me (but she accidentally made it available for my guy friend as well) and she took down the pictures after I told her.

“She is trying to make a fool of you, Paradoxy.” Tee, if she is trying to fool me, she definitely deserves an oscar award cause that is how perfect her innocent acting is. The fact that she brought her bikini with her proves that she already had planned that she would be going to the beach and etc but the recordings she have shows how oblivious she is to everything around her. If that obliviousness is actually fake, then that girl deserves an oscar for her performance cause that is how convincing it is.

“Please look up the term “the abuse cycle”: it is when the abuser is trying to convince their victim to stay in the relationship, by promising they would change and claiming they didn’t mean what they said, and that they are sorry” Doesn’t that make me an abuser too? Because I have called her names in anger and apologized to her later, only to repeat it the next time she pissed me off. The only difference is that I did not just call her random insults (except recently with the use of the term bitch, whore (which I already explained), garbage, trash etc), I made sure to use terms that literally described how she was behaving, such as brick wall, stupid, dumb, fool etc.

“The victim agrees and the relationship gets better for a short while, but then the abuse starts again. The abuser never really changes. All those are empty promises.” Should I take her back just to see if this is true? If she does the same thing again, at least we know that her promises are in fact empty. Sounds stupid but just asking.

“You have been trying to explain to her why her behavior is hurting you, why it is wrong, but she doesn’t even want to hear it.” She refuses to listen because she is blinded by her emotions. It is like how anger can blind certain people and prevent them from seeing things from a different perspective. Besides, she does apologize for her behavior, only to repeat the same thing again the next day. She told me she did that because she only thought of certain things to say after taking some time to think about what was said in the argument. So she is saying that in the moment, she understood what I was saying, but then when she had time to actually process what was said, she came up with thoughts that countered the things I said, which therefore restarted the argument.

“She only admits that she did the deed (e.g. sleep with someone for money). But she is blaming you for it.” Fair point. But isn’t admitting the mistake similar to taking responsibility for the mistake?

“So she actually asked you to lie. And you didn’t oblige.” Yes I know that but isn’t it still wrong since I already agreed to lie for her?

“And she is still accusing you for the fact that she cheated and prostituted herself. She took no responsibility for it – she is blaming either you or her aunt. But she herself took no responsibility.” Well she takes the blame one moment and then shares the blame with me and her aunt. So it’s like she is taking 50% of the blame and giving 30% to her aunt and 20% to me and my parents. But today she has taken full responsibility for her actions and promised to not bother me anymore but claims to have trust in God that I will come back to her…. I finally told my guy friend the details of what was happening and he suggested that I break up with her and wait and see if she really does change and I should only take her back if the change is visible. So she and I have come to the agreement that we are now broken up and we will no longer talk about the relationship but she is welcome to ask for my help for her work or whenever she needs it.

I just can’t imagine any other girl caring for me the same way B cared for me. Like which girl would help dealing with dandrives in someone’s hair? Wouldn’t most girls be disgusted by it and not even bother to help? But she willingly offered to help in putting the treatment into my hair and clearing the dandrives by hand. She even cleaned my room in secret because I don’t let her do it cause it just feels wrong. It is just weird because it feels like no other woman would take care of me the way she took care of me. What if I am actually throwing away the perfect person for me because I am blinded by her mistakes? Or maybe I am being naive and stupid because she is my first real girlfriend after all.

My attraction for her has nothing to do with her stubbornness. I definitely do not want someone who is too high on their horse to acknowledge what is right and what is wrong. Yes I want someone who understands me but I definitely do not want someone who literally drains all the energy out of me before they finally understand me.

I just wished that she was the right person because I always thought that I would marry the first girl I ever truly fell in love with. Now I feel contaminated by my experience with her and I don’t think any girl would want the remains of what was left by another girl. Now I am back to my sad lonely life.

Paradoxy