* Because the following includes many quotes from online sources, it may include a lot of excess/ messy print, in which case, I will resubmit it for a clear, easy to read text.

Dear Paradoxy:

I am back to your thread because it would be socially irresponsible of me to leave a question  you asked 16 hours ago unanswered. Here is the question that you asked in this public forum: “Doesn’t that make me an abuser too? Because I have called her names in anger and apologized to her later, only to repeat it the next time she pissed me off. The only difference is that I did not just call her random insults (except recently with the use of the term bitch, whore (which I already explained), garbage, trash etc.), I made sure to use terms that literally described how she was behaving, such as brick wall, stupid, dumb, fool etc.”

I will take my time answering your question as thoroughly as I can. It will be a long post.

You called her (B) names, names that you placed in 2 categories: (1) “random insults” and (2) “terms that literally described how she was behaving“.

You listed examples of the names you called her under the 2 categories: bi**, wh***, garbage, trash, etc. (category 1), and brick wall, stupid, dumb, fool, etc. (category 2).

The “etc.” clearly suggests that there are other names in  each category, names that you called her, but you didn’t list those names.

You stated that you called her names, apologized for it later, only to do it again. And you stated that you called her names “in anger“, when she “pissed (you) off“.

very well mind: “Verbal abuse is a type of emotional abuse. It is when someone uses their words to assault, dominate, ridicule, manipulate, and/or degrade another person and negatively impact that person’s psychological health. Verbal abuse is a means of controlling and maintaining power over another person”.

Wikipedia: “Verbal abuse (also known as verbal aggression, verbal attack, verbal violence…) is a type of psychological/ mental abuse that involves the use of oral, gestured, and written language directed to a victim.. (including) the use of derogatory terms, the delivery of statements intended to frighten, humiliate, denigrate, or belittle a person”.

Psychology today: “Verbal abuse is a way of hurting others, using words or silence as a weapon. Unlike physical abuse, verbal abuse doesn’t give rise to broken limbs, black eyes, or bruises. Yet it can be just as emotionally disturbing and often leads to anxiety, fear, despair, or depression”.

very well family: “Everyone has heard the saying: ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”‘ The problem is, this statement is not the least bit true. Name-calling is one of the most damaging and painful types of bullying… It is a form of relational bullying… Name-calling can have serious consequences on mental health. In fact, many researchers feel it is one of the most damaging forms of bullying”.

definitions, us legal: “Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to… The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication. Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position”.

Christian website: “Verbal abuse can leave deep wounds that are not easily healed. If you or someone you know suffers from this, you may wonder – what does the Bible say about verbal abuse? Read on as we explore biblical truths about this difficult topic. The quick answer is that Scripture clearly prohibits abusive speech and behavior. Time and again biblical authors condemn harsh words, insults, slander, and more. The Bible calls us to love one another, which leaves no room for tearing others down with our words… The Bible has strong words against verbal abuse and hurtful speech…

“The Bible says ‘the tongue has the power of life and death‘ (Proverbs 18:21). Our words carry tremendous power and we are accountable for how we use them. Scripture condemns verbal abuse in passages like Ephesians 4:29: ‘Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.’ Hurtful speech tears down rather than builds up… Words have incredible power. They can uplift and encourage, or demoralize and destroy. Verbal abuse inflicts deep wounds. Studies show it negatively affects mental health and can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, PTSD, and even suicide…

“Words also impact us physiologically. Being yelled at spikes blood pressure and stress hormones like cortisol. Over time, this damages health. At an extreme, words can even kill. Scripture says ‘cruel words crush the spirit’ (Proverbs 15:4 CEV). Abusive speech destroys relationships and tears families apart. It breeds insecurity, resentment, and dysfunction. God desires our speech to build up, not tear down. As Ephesians 4:15 (NLT) says, ‘We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ‘…Proverbs 18:21 declares, ‘Death and life are in the power of the tongue.‘…

“We have a sobering responsibility in how we use our words… Jesus emphasized the importance of our words in Matthew 12, where He said we will give an account on judgment day for every ‘careless word’ we have spoken (v.36). Sobering words indeed!… Ephesians 4:29 provides a helpful filter we can apply to our communication: ‘Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.’ Before speaking, we ought to ask ourselves, “Will this comment contribution positively to this conversation and to the people participating?” If not, it’s better left unsaid…

“The first recorded instance of verbal abuse in the Bible is when Cain insulted his brother Abel. Genesis 4:3-8 describes how both brothers brought offerings to God. Abel’s offering of the firstborn of his flock pleased God, but Cain’s offering of fruit did not. This angered Cain greatly and ‘his face fell.‘ Rather than examine his own heart, Cain took out his anger on his brother, mocking his offering. This ultimately led to the first murder when Cain killed his brother…

“Many faiths uphold the inherent worth and dignity of all people as made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). Degrading words can violate this God-given dignity. Scripture calls us to ‘speak evil of no one’ (Titus 3:2)..

“The Bible compares the tongue’s power to a flaming fire that can consume what it touches (James 3:6). Our speech has creative potential for good or ill. As Matthew 12:37 states, ‘By your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned’. Golden rule: Jesus taught to ‘do to others what you would have them do to you‘ (Matthew 7:12). If we wouldn’t wan t to receive harsh words, we should be unwilling to inflict them on others. Applying the Golden Rule to our speech promotes compassion”.

Back to your words of 16 hours ago, Paradoxy: “this is not the first fight/break up we have had… this constant break up and getting back together was a cycle“- I wanted to ask you a long time ago, but didn’t: since you met B, if you add all the time you and her were together vs apart, were you apart longer than you were together? Also, who initiated a breakup every time a breakup took place? Were all the fights about her sexual misconduct, or were there other topics? Did she start the fights, did you, or was it a mix? Last question for now: when you called her names, how did she react?

You didn’t mention that she called you names. You shared that in  regard to her sexual misconduct, she lied to you, accused you and blamed you for it, for example, saying that she prostituted herself once or twice because you broke up with her. In adult, romantic relationships, often it is not the case that one of the parties is The Victim and the other, The Perpetrator. Often there is wrong-talking and wrong-doing on both sides.

Back to what you wrote yesterday: “most of these girls here are worse than B. I’ve seen how these girls behave, literally no respect for their partners. These girls make B look like she is a perfect angel from heaven“-

– this worries me. You repeatedly called a “perfect angel from heaven” (by comparison to other women), terrible names.. if you got into a relationship with any of the “worse than B” women, what would you call them..?

Of course, I hope you wouldn’t call anyone names, which brings me back to your question. The answer: yes, you verbally abused B, and repeatedly.

I just read your most recent posts. You ended your 2nd post a few minutes ago with this: “I know I gave B a lot of chances already, but even the Bible indicates that I should forgive an infinite number of times. However, I guess even the Bible doesn’t want me to be taken advantage of. Paradoxy”-

rock solid faith: “If a spouse is unfaithful, the Bible teaches that they can ask God for forgiveness, and He will forgive them“- not that B is a spouse, but nonetheless, ask your God to forgive her. Learn from the experience, correct the behaviors on your part that need to be corrected, and forgive yourself.

anita