Dear Anita,

So basically, you are saying that I am indeed verbally abusive. But I want to understand, is it still verbally abusive if the things that are said are actually true? And it is not like she felt any remorse over her decisions/actions. Would calling her a brick wall be considered verbally abusive, when she is actually behaving like a brick wall by not listening to me or give me a chance to explain myself or by not keeping an open mind when I try to correct her misunderstanding? Even you probably thought of me as a brick wall when I appeared to be too stubborn to listen to your advice even though I was listening to your advice.

Keep in mind that the only time I crossed the line with my namecalling was recently when she pissed me off worse than ever before, but the usual namecalling were minor terms such as stupid or brick wall etc, each used in situations where they accurately describe her behavior. Even if it sounds like an insult, the purpose of the use of those terms were to describe her behavior, except recently when I crossed the line with the namecalling.

“I wanted to ask you a long time ago, but didn’t: since you met B, if you add all the time you and her were together vs apart, were you apart longer than you were together?” No we were together longer than we were apart. Because every time we broke up, I just chose to forgive her when she apologized.

“Also, who initiated a breakup every time a breakup took place? In the early part of our relationship, the break ups started with her, when she broke up over reasons such as having feelings for another man or the age difference being an issue or other people’s opinions regarding our relationship or other false accusations/misunderstandings such as me not responding to her calls due to me being asleep etc. I started initiating break ups in more severe cases like finding out that she spent time naked in a towel with another man (her ex which I was unaware of at the time), when she was disrespecting my parents, when she was too stubborn to listen to me when I tried to correct her misunderstandings etc (she was draining too much energy from me when I try to correct her). I have caused fights three times, which I am willing to take responsibility for due to my rash decisions and my own forgetfulness even though the situation only became an issue as a result of her misunderstanding. I have already told you about what happened in those three fights where I was the problem. But all the other fights started with her, but she says that she started the arguments cause of the way I made her feel. An example would be when she believed that my parents were calling her a gold digger and manipulator, which offended her, but in reality I was just telling her about the experiences they had with women from this side of the world. The annoying thing is that it was already explained, clarified to the point where she already apologized for her misunderstanding, but every time we have a fight, she goes right back to her assumptions proving that she never accepted any of the explanations I had for her misunderstandings. Another example would be when she got offended by me when I could not give 15 minutes of my time for her cause I was preparing for exams, which made her feel neglected and unwanted, but I had already told her that if it was something that was planned, I could have changed my schedule to give her my attention cause I can’t just immediately change up my plans just for her because dealing with Med is a pain, and despite the fact that I tried to resolve the issue, she crossed the line when she said I would rather be with my gamer friends than with her, which rubbed me wrong and I initiated the break up then, but she reinforced my decision to break up with her by doing all the extra things which I informed you about already.

“When you called her names, how did she react?” She was obviously hurt, but every time I called her names, they were terms such as brick wall or stupid or dumb, which are normal terms used to describe an individual’s behavior. If she called me those terms, I wouldn’t mind at all if she was telling the truth about my decisions/actions being stupid and etc. I always speak the truth, even if it is the harsh truth. I’ve been working on decreasing my verbal abusiveness and it was considerably reduced until she crossed the line in our arguments. Even in the fight where I called her a whore and etc, I only called her those names because she called me a moron first and when I asked her to prove that I am a moron, she couldn’t but I had proof that she was a whore because she was paid to sleep with that man in January.

“You didn’t mention that she called you names.” Well she used to call me “a piece of sh*t” but she stopped calling me that when I told her not to use that name since there was no evidence of me behaving like a “piece of sh*t”. But recently she called me a moron in one of our arguments but when I asked her to prove that I am a moron, she couldn’t do that either. I mean I understand that she is just angry but at least let the anger by justified. At least be fair in your anger bruh. At least be angry with me if I deserved it. If I honestly did something wrong, I would gladly accept my mistake and apologize for it. But all she does is make these false accusations and when I ask her to prove it, she doesn’t have any evidence. Like how is that even fair to me? Whenever I am angry with her, I always pointed out exactly and precisely what bothered me and why what she did was wrong. But in her case, she is just angry cause of her OWN MISUNDERSTANDING. HOW IS THAT FAIR BRUH? How is it fair for her to be angry over her OWN misunderstanding and she doesn’t even let me correct the misunderstanding. Why should I put up with that???? I am more than willing to take responsibility for my mistake but at least be fair when judging me.

“If you got into a relationship with any of the “worse than B” women, what would you call them..?” Trust me when I say this, if I were to date the women who were actually worse than B, there wouldn’t even be time for namecalling. That relationship would have ended instantly. But even if there is time for namecalling, I would be fair. If they cheated on me, I would call them a cheater or a whore or something of that level. If they did something incredibly stupid like wasting a thousand dollars, obviously I would call them out for their actions and say they were stupid for wasting the money. I used to say that I was in love with B despite her flaws, but now the flaws are like porcupine spines piercing me every time I try to hug her.

“The answer: yes, you verbally abused B, and repeatedly.“ Fine, you are right, my verbal abusiveness was harsh, but how else did you expect me to react when you are trying to explain the same point for DAYS or even WEEKS and she just REFUSES to listen. I do not INSTANTLY go straight to being verbally abusive. I go there after HOURS or DAYS or WEEKS of CONTINUOUS ARGUING over the SAME STUPID ISSUE and I reach that point of being verbally abusive when I RUN OUT OF PATIENCE. She is the only person that I wanted to correct. The only person I wanted to understand. I don’t care about anyone else, my parents, family, friend etc. SHE IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND HER MISTAKES SO SHE CAN CORRECT THEM BECAUSE I WANTED TO LOVE HER WITHOUT HER CAUSING ME MORE PAIN. Honestly Anita, how do you expect me to react when she sleeps with another man and then blames me for it? Like how? How would YOU react if your OWN PARTNER slept with another woman and then BLAMES YOU for it, saying that it is YOUR FAULT for making them feel abandoned, YOUR FAULT for making them sleep with another woman? Maybe you would have handled the situation better than me, but please understand the amount of anger that I was feeling in this situation and other similar situations. All I have been doing is pouring out love to her. The only wrong thing I did was my verbal abusiveness which ONLY OCCURS WHEN WE ARE FIGHTING FOR HOURS OR DAYS OR WEEKS NON STOP. Some people just forget all the good things that someone has done when they do something bad one time.

“If a spouse is unfaithful, the Bible teaches that they can ask God for forgiveness, and He will forgive them“- not that B is a spouse, but nonetheless, she can ask God to forgive her. She already indicates that she regrets her actions and I am sure God has forgiven her, and I have forgiven her too, but how can I forget the things she did, knowing that it was her own decision and not 100% forced decision. I want to forgive Anita, I want to fix this. I want to pour out my love to her again. I don’t like calling her names. I wish I didn’t get as angry as I did but it is so difficult when she keeps testing my patience. If the situation was actually my fault, I would gladly accept it. So why is it so difficult for her to take full responsibility for her mistakes? She claims to take responsibility for her mistakes only to try to justify her mistakes the next day. Just like what Tee said, how can I continue to date a 5 year old who is incapable of making proper decisions,  living in a 22 year old girl’s body?

I repeat, I know that I am verbally abusive and I regret my actions but I only entered that state due to the helplessness I feel when she is too stubborn to be deal with, when she refuses to listen to me or even give me a chance to correct her. I just feel so helpless when I am forced to just shut up and listen to her false accusations when she doesn’t even have proof of these accusations other than her own misunderstandings. Please understand the anger I felt in that moment, which caused me to be verbally abusive.

Paradoxy