Dear Tee,

Even if you are referring to the hurt that predates the relationship, she said it herself that the hurt that made her prostitute herself was my parents’ opinion and the break up itself. Cause there were other situations where she could have prostituted herself but she didn’t because she knows it is wrong and she was not hurting in those periods. Such as when her own manager wanted her to sleep with him to save her job, she refused to do it because she was emotionally healthy then and she knew it was wrong.

In the end, all the hurt that she has endured all her life factored into her decision to prostitute herself but it was our break up and what my parents said that put her in a weak, mentally unstable position where she could not think straight nor form proper decisions. That is how I understand it. Cause she could have prostituted herself in other situations but she didn’t.

She said that I ruined her self-esteem, and that is why she wants validation from me. She specifically said that. Despite how many times I clarified the situation, it still offends her because she is too blinded by the emotion to understand my clarification.

You are right about everything else that you said about her. But how do I fix that? Even therapy doesn’t gurantee 100% chance at fixing that kind of behavior, not to mention how expensive it would be by the time she is healed.

She also told me when she confessed her cheating that most of the fights that she caused last year were excuses to leave me cause of her internal conflict so that she doesn’t have to deal with the guilt of proving my parents right. But the fact that she still loves me makes her want to get back together with me, and my dumbass self keeps forgiving her too.

Even if only she can help herself, wasn’t there anything I could have done to help her in the process of healing?

I just thought that if she was craving attention from men, then having all my attention would be good enough. If she wanted the feeling of being loved and cared for, I thought I could provide that feeling. I thought I could make her feel worthy and validated, but I was not aware that she was still holding on to things that I had already explained and corrected.

I know that calling her names added fuel to the fire, but I didn’t expect educating her to behave properly would also act as fuel.

“You don’t understand her, Paradoxy. She is not stupid or foolish.” I already stated that I said stupid because I could not think of any other term to describe her behavior. I am not saying that she is actually stupid. And I said I understand her because I am able to accurately describe how she is feeling. There are countless arguments where she told me that I don’t understand her, and then I proceed to describe exactly how she is feeling, to which she admits that my description is correct. So do I still not understand her? I was already aware of a degree of the internal conflict because she already told me that she was looking for excuses to leave me but also wanted to be with me. I was just naive enough to believe I could be the solution to her internal conflict.

I think I am actually insane because insanity is when you do the same thing and expect a different outcome, and by going through this same cycle a 100 times, maybe I have gone insane in the end.

I told her at the very beginning of our relationship how clingy I am and how attached I become to the person I love the most. I guess it came back to bite me in the ass. Should have seen the red flags when she was dry and cold and behaving weird in the first couple days of our relationship. Everyone told me not to date her when I showed them what she was doing but my stupid self continued to love her.

We just had another two day argument yesterday where she made false accusations again regarding the same things we have already discussed and it hit my ego cause of how she is incorrectly describing what happened. Eventually I corrected her but it was still another 2 day argument that still drained me. I wish I could just block her or something but she still has my belongings such as laptop, mouse and a lot of money which she cannot return as she is not financially stable right now and her work requires her to have my laptop as she cannot afford her own. I really hoped that she would be the person I would end up marrying. Now all the dreams I had with her are crushed.

Paradoxy