Dear Paradoxy:

“So basically, you are saying that I am indeed verbally abusive“- yes.

“But I want to understand, is it still verbally abusive if the things that are said are actually true?“- telling anyone that they are a “brick wall” is abusive no matter the IQ of the person. As a matter of fact, it is unintelligent of a person to call another dumb, a brick wall, etc., if one wants love and respect in return.

“Would calling her a brick wall be considered verbally abusive, when she is actually behaving like a brick wall by not listening to me“- she shouldn’t listen to anything you say for as long as what you say to her includes verbal abuse from time to time.

“Even you probably thought of me as a brick wall when I appeared to be too stubborn to listen to your advice even though I was listening to your advice“- I don’t think that you listened to my advice in this 5- page thread, not yet.

“I am more than willing to take responsibility for my mistake but at least be fair when judging me“- you didn’t yet take responsibility for verbally abusing her, you’ve spoken from both sides of your mouth in this regard: saying that you were abusive and then saying that if she is a brick wall, then calling her a brick wall is not abusive.

“Honestly Anita, how do you expect me to react when she sleeps with another man and then blames me for it? Like how? How would YOU react if your OWN PARTNER slept with another woman and then BLAMES YOU for it, saying that it is YOUR FAULT for making them feel abandoned, YOUR FAULT for making them sleep with another woman?“- if I called my partner names, dumb, a brick wall, etc., and repeatedly, if I was arrogant, dismissive and abusive to him, I wouldn’t expect him to be loyal to me.

“Please understand the amount of anger that I was feeling in this situation and other similar situations“- uncontrolled anger is behind much of interpersonal abuse and crime, crimes of passion, it’s called.

“I always speak the truth, even if it is the harsh truth… All I have been doing is pouring out love to her“- the second part of this quote is one of the times that you have taken an exception to speaking the truth.

“Some people just forget all the good things that someone has done when they do something bad one time“- this is an accusation some abusive people make on a regular basis, accusing the abused of paying too much/ disproportional attention to the abuse. It’s a false accusation.

Let’s look at what you shared back in March 2020, when you were 15, way before you knew that B existed in the world:

“I feel hollow inside…. I felt like a burden to others. But I never got angry… I created a pressurized vessel that I tried to blow on myself so I would die but it just injured my arm and I became known in my school as an expert in bombs… I have this weird pain in my chest that wouldn’t go away… My parents… have called me things in my main language which I cannot translate. Their insults made me so upset that sometimes I felt as if death was the only solution and they would only understand my value once I die. But for some reason, I kept forgiving and forgetting… There happened to be an incident where my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated… I love and care for my parents even if they mistreat me… I laugh when I see someone die in movies (especially gory deaths) while everyone else is horrified or sad. But I still don’t care… I laugh at gory deaths cause I think it’s funny how the person dies (For example: In the movie Final Destination 2, I laughed when I saw a girl being shot to death through the head with a nail gun by accident)“.

B brought her past to the troubled, on and off, fight-filled relationship with you. You brought your past to the relationship. What I see in your past (quotes right above) is severe verbal abuse perpetrated on you by your parents, abuse severe enough for a neighbor to notice and threaten to call social services. I see you minimizing their abuse. I see you suppressing your anger at your parents and expressing it at yourself.. and at a woman in a movie, enjoying the portrayal of her violent death.

I just noticed that you submitted a post for me a few moments ago, you wrote: “Dear Anita, Where did you see me indicating that I love to hate her? If she was as perfect as can be, there would not be any hate to direct in the first place.”-

– the hate predated you meeting B, she did not create your hate.

You did a lot of fighting within the relationship with B (“I only entered the verbally abusive phase after fighting for HOURS, or DAYS, or WEEKS, nonstop“, April 5, 2024), and you do a lot of fighting on your thread, arguing a lot. Good thing you don’t call your responders names (I suppose that you know that it’s against website regulations). But you argue and argue. It’s like you are addicted to arguing and fighting.

I wish I could reach you virtually with a motherly hug, and hush your anger, hush your distress, so that you can relax and be calm and have peace within you.

anita