Dear Anita,

Brick wall is not saying that the person is dumb, it’s saying that the person refuses to listen. It feels like I am talking to a wall. And even if the person wants to love and respect to return, you have to also realize that all this namecalling only occurred at the VERY EDGE of my patience, which would be hours or days or even weeks of continuous arguing over the same thing. Everyone has a limit to their patience, no matter how much they love the person.

“She shouldn’t listen to anything you say for as long as what you say to her includes verbal abuse from time to time.” So it is okay for her to be disrespectful to me through her actions but it is not okay for me to respond with verbal disrespect AFTER HOURS/DAYS/WEEKS of continuous arguing?

“I don’t think that you listened to my advice in this 5- page thread, not yet.” You just proved my point lol. Even if you don’t call me a brick wall, you already feel that I haven’t listened to your advice. That is what I am trying to show you.

“You didn’t yet take responsibility for verbally abusing her, you’ve spoken from both sides of your mouth in this regard: saying that you were abusive and then saying that if she is a brick wall, then calling her a brick wall is not abusive.” I was ASKING you if calling her a brick wall is still considered abusive if she behaves like a brick wall. I was not making a claim. I was asking because I was under the impression that though I know my actions appear verbally abusive, I assumed it would be justified cause of what she was doing. Asking for clarification does not mean I am not taking responsibility for my actions.

“If I called my partner names, dumb, a brick wall, etc., and repeatedly, if I was arrogant, dismissive and abusive to him, I wouldn’t expect him to be loyal to me.” Clearly you are not reading what I wrote. I said I only became verbally abusive after HOURS/DAYS/WEEKS of constantly arguing to the point of reaching the edge of my patience. That means the verbal abuse is not something I do all the time. I also said that I had CONSIDERABLY REDUCED how verbally abusive I was after she told me that she didn’t like it. But did she change her ways despite telling her I didn’t like it? And most of the fighting and verbal abuse started AFTER SHE CHEATED. So your statement above is not appropriate for the situation.

“Uncontrolled anger is behind much of interpersonal abuse and crime, crimes of passion, it’s called.” My anger has always been controlled, that is why this relationship lasted 1.5 years because I WAS THE ONE FORGIVING. If I had uncontrolled anger, she would have left a long time ago. And like I said before, the only time when I became verbally abusive is after HOURS/WEEKS/DAYS after CONTINUOUS FIGHTING. If that doesn’t show you how patient I am, then idk what will. I’ve been the one staying calm trying to negotiate with her while she continued to blame me and etc for the way she was feeling and for how she behaved. My energy is being drained because it is being used up in being patient, I am using up my energy as I control my anger.

“The second part of this quote is one of the times that you have taken an exception to speaking the truth.” So you think I have not been pouring out love to her. All I am going to say is this, from the third person’s perspective, you won’t be able to see the things I have done, my attempts at fixing myself for her, being able to understand how she feels and etc. All I know is that I did my best, and my love for her was greater than the love she had for me.

“This is an accusation some abusive people make on a regular basis, accusing the abused of paying too much/ disproportional attention to the abuse. It’s a false accusation.” Explain to me how I am such a horrible abuser just cause I became verbally abusive at the end of my patience which occurred HOURS/DAYS/WEEKS after CONTINUOUS FIGHTING. I told you what terms I used in my “verbal abuse” I did not tell you how often this “verbal abuse” happened. Cause if it was as often as you describe it to be, my “verbal abuse” would be the number one reason why B would cheat on me or even want to leave. In reality, my so-called “verbal abuse” is one of the smallest factors that play into how she behaves and she has already admitted that.

“What I see in your past (quotes right above) is severe verbal abuse perpetrated on you by your parents, abuse severe enough for a neighbor to notice and threaten to call social services. I see you minimizing their abuse. I see you suppressing your anger at your parents and expressing it at yourself.. and at a woman in a movie, enjoying the portrayal of her violent death.” How I felt 4 years ago does not define me now, because that was a phase of extreme depression and I have gotten out of that phase especially since I am no longer with my parents and it is only coming back now as a result of the break up. So do not let my past deceive you or your judgement.

“The hate predated you meeting B, she did not create your hate.” Anita, I already told you that I do not redirect my hate to other people. I do not do that because I know what it feels like to have anger/hate redirected to me. I am literally repeating myself here.

I do not call my responders names because LIKE I STATED BEFORE, I have a lot of patience and understanding, which you have still failed to realize despite how long we have been having this conversation. The very fact that I have not called you names is proof enough that you are wrong about assuming that I have uncontrolled anger and that I am verbally abusive. I argue because you are not getting the facts accurate, which makes your response not 100% correct regarding my situation. I have already thought out all of the things you have said and I know it will work in most situations but not in mine specifically. EVEN THEN, I am learning as I converse with you, which is why I asked you questions to clarify what you are saying about me being verbally abusive. In each of the arguments, I do not exactly say that you are completely wrong about what you are saying, I allow the evidence to prove it for you.

Look at the conversations that Tee and I have versus the conversations that you and I have, do you see the drastic difference between conversations with her versus you? Tee was able to understand the situation better than you could and show me exactly where the issues lie whereas you have not because you have not factored in the extra details that I stated to you in each of the arguments, such as the fact that my so-called verbal abuse only occurred after a fight has been going on for a LONG PERIOD OF TIME, which is evidence for how much patience I have, which also proves that this so-called verbal abuse is NOT something that happens all the time. Despite how much I appear to be arguing with Tee, it is more evident that I am learning more from the things she said compared to things you have said as she is able to understand the situation better than you.

No disrespect but I don’t think I want a hug from someone who doesn’t even understand why they are even hugging.

Paradoxy