Dear Paradoxy,

Should have seen the red flags when she was dry and cold and behaving weird in the first couple days of our relationship.

What did she do in the first days of your relationship?

I went back and re-read your first post, about how your relationship started. Well, it started with her initiating the flirtation, making seductive and over-the-top statements (such as suggesting that you could be her pretend husband, after barely having met you!), and sending you a photo of herself with pouting lips.

We were casually talking with the group of friends there when the topic shifted about my relationship life and I admitted that I’ve never been loved by anyone before. And she responded by saying that I could be her pretend husband. I played along at first but her saying that caught my attention.

We started to text more often and eventually she sent me a picture of herself pouting her lips to give a kiss.

Her style with you, right from the start, was very seductive. There was no shame or modesty in her approach. It was pretty over-the-top to suggest, after only talking to you once or twice, that you should be her “pretend husband.” To me, it shows someone who is pretty uninhibited, and very confident in her ability to get any guy she wants.

The following is what I think happened in those early days of you interacting with her:

Her words “pretend husband” caught your attention. You suddenly started thinking about her: “I kept reminding R [your friend] about what she said cause it made me feel butterflies in my stomach.”

“Pretend husband” was the keyword that got your imagination going, and I think what happened is that you started thinking she could be “the one”, your future wife, the only person you’ll ever love in your life (because that’s what your father told you: that you should only love one woman).

And so, in your mind, she became a serious candidate to fill in that place – the place of your faithful wife and “queen” – before you even knew anything about her.

Then she sent you a photo with pouting lips, which sparked your imagination further: “my heart was pounding. Imagine being noticed by the most beautiful woman in the vicinity and receiving a picture like that.”

And then she offered to kiss you, for “educational” purposes: “she asked if I have ever kissed anyone before, and I told her that I haven’t. And she asked me if I wanted to try it, but I told her I didn’t want to kiss someone who I am not in a relationship with. She understood that but she was still offended, and she went home.”

And then the next day she admitted she had feelings for you, after which you immediately brought your parents into the equation (thinking that she is a serious wife candidate):

I told her that there is a possibility that my parents won’t approve of her and I do not want to be in a relationship where my partner is constantly worried about me leaving her cause of my parents. She said she can handle it and I told her that I will only be in a relationship if she is willing to handle the consequences of us dating. She agreed,

You told her that your parents might be a problem because they might not approve of her, and she said she can handle it. You also told her that she needs to accept the consequences of dating you, and she agreed to accept those consequences. BTW have you explained to her why your parents might not approve of her? Have you clarified early on what the consequences of dating you are, so that she knows what you expect of her?

In any case, she agreed to everything, and you probably thought that she accepted your “rules of the game”, i.e. how she should behave as your girlfriend and your future wife. And that’s what made you accept her advances: you allowed her to kiss you and then it led to everything else. And when she made you breakfast and lunch the night after your first sexual encounter, you were “sold”. You were in heaven, believing she is your perfect future wife: “I was very much in love with her and I prayed that she was the one I would be with forever.”

So basically, you fell in love with the idea of her: that she will be the perfect wife that you and your parents had in mind for you.

In reality, you knew very little about her: she was obviously very beautiful and sexy, she was willing to cook for you (which you find very important in a woman), and she told you that she agreed with the rules of the game (i.e. how a good girlfriend and a good future wife should behave). You thought: bingo!

The problem is that she fooled you. Because she doesn’t agree with the rules of the game. She certainly doesn’t accept the consequences of dating you – such as wearing less revealing clothes, not hugging other men while wearing a bikini, not posting sexy photos on social media. But that’s not even the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that she didn’t accept even the basic rules for a loving, committed relationship: no lying and no cheating.

Just as an aside, not every man would be bothered by his girlfriend/wife wearing sexy outfits and showing her attributes (some even like it, such as those who like to show off their trophy wife – for them it’s a sign of being superior to other men).

However, every man would be bothered by his girlfriend lying to him, hiding an ex in her house, and sleeping with someone for money.

So B not only didn’t fit your particular vision of a loving girlfriend/wife (which might be more old-fashioned) – she didn’t fit the general, widely accepted vision of what constitutes a loving and caring partner/wife.

And that’s why I am sorry to say, but B was “a perfect angel from heaven” only in your imagination, Paradoxy. It is a vision that exists only in your mind. You wanted her to fit that vision, and you have been trying to educate her how to fit that vision.

But she is vehemently opposing it, she doesn’t want it. Based on everything you said about her, her nature is very different from that vision: she is not the type to wear modest clothes and hide her sex appeal. She likes getting men’s attention and being desired by men. Even with you, from day 1, she was bold and seductive.

So I think you’d need to open your eyes to her real nature vs. the idealized image that you still have in your mind. You need to stop wanting to fit her into your vision. Because she is miles away from it, even opposite of it.

Even when she apologizes for not fitting your vision (e.g. for wearing revealing clothes, posting sexy pictures on social media etc,), she doesn’t really mean it. Because she keeps doing it, no matter how many times you’ve asked her not to. This to me is a proof that she is rejecting your vision, even if she pretends she doesn’t.

So I believe those are fake apologies, aimed at keeping you interested. Because obviously, she wants to stay with you, she doesn’t want to let you go.

I must admit that the newest information that you’ve shared about her (that you have been giving her a lot of money) made me suspicious of her true motives:

she still has my belongings such as laptop, mouse and a lot of money which she cannot return as she is not financially stable right now and her work requires her to have my laptop as she cannot afford her own.

You say she is working, and yet you are giving her a lot of money. I wonder why is that (if you don’t mind sharing)?