Hey Beni,

Mostly it is helping myself these days. Yeah, like today and yesterday I need support to play and be stimulated and it’s so hard to give it to me. So the best I can do is try to not suffer too much and endure it.

Still part of me feels that I only get accepted if I do whatever pleases people and I endure it.

I wonder if you, as a child, felt guilty for playing and simply having fun and being care-free, because your mother was always unhappy and sad, in the martyr mode? And so you felt guilty if you were happy and enjoying yourself?

And perhaps you rather did what was expected of you? Actually, now I’ve taken a look at you earlier posts: you said that you didn’t do what was expected of you, but would rather freeze or engage in a self-destructive behavior:

I’m not sure if I tried to help her. I’m more prone to the freeze or self destructive behavior. I belief she couldn’t give me space, maybe I was part of meeting her needs.

Okay, so you were not a “good, obedient” boy – you rather went into the freeze or rebel mode. But underneath that reaction (which was a defense mechanism), you felt not accepted for who you are, right? You felt that not even your purest, selfless love is good enough:

I just want to be accepted. I’m when I think of it even afraid of that when I give selfless/love that it might be received that way.

It sounds like you felt you were not good enough, your love was not good enough. Perhaps you simply being yourself: a joyful, playful, loving kid was not good enough? Perhaps when you were playing and wanted to show your achievements to your parents (in the sense of “Mom, look at me!”, or “Dad, look at me!”), they didn’t appreciate it – your mother because she was always sad and burdened, and your father because he was working a lot and rarely at home? So perhaps play became not a source of joy and pride, as it should be for a child, but a source of distress and pain?

If so, then allowing yourself to play – to feel the joy and the impulse from within, without feeling guilty about it – might be what you truly need at the moment.

I think what I can do well is to create harmony in daily live that’s what I do when I regulated myself and I’m doing public things. Maybe there’s someone who’s afraid to skate in the park and I notice it. I go to the person and I talk with her about it and let her know he/she’s welcome.

That’s nice. You did say in the beginning of your thread that you would like to have a deeper connection with people (“Right know I belief that what I actually want is deep connection with people.”). So it seems you are doing that now, offering your selfless, pure love (in form of kindness and help to a stranger), and that’s how you are expressing what you couldn’t as a child, i.e. what was not appreciated by your mother (or both parents?).

I think it’s rather simple that the meaning is to feel what would be the greatest now or in the foreseeable future and if you make it happen, that’s the meaning.
Like give a hug to this person or walk to the Garden, leave the house. Express yourself. Ask someone who she archived a goal. Tell someone that you appreciate him.

Yeah, it seems expressing your true self, your compassionate and loving self, is your priority at the moment. Also, expressing yourself perhaps in play (e.g. skate-boarding), or doing other activities that bring you joy, instead of getting stuck in the usual freeze response, which actually blocks your joyful self-expression.