Dear Zenith:

Emotion regulation can not be achieved by making a decision, or by reading anything, including my posts. This is so because our emotional reactions to situations (such as your strong, angry emotional reaction to being ignored/ not being prioritized) is a biochemical habit, meaning, when you are ignored, or you perceive that you are ignored, certain chemicals (neurotransmitters) are released in the brain, and other chemical (hormones) are released into your blood, and these chemicals create your emotional experience.

* I am not a scientist, so I am sure that my explanation above is simplistic, but in principle it’s correct.

You cannot stop these chemicals from being released in your body by making a decision or reading this post. The way to change these biochemical reactions is to commit to the slow, intentional process required day after day, persistently, and over time. There will be regressions, but you’ll need to not give up.

I too used to lash out at people, but guess what? I didn’t lash out at anyone for the last 7 years or so, not even once!

The process starts with the Notice I mentioned above, then the Pause, and next, once you are alone for a moment, take a few slow breaths (and, if possible,  take a hot shower, or listen to music, something that will calm you down)- calm down before you think. There is a saying: when your anger goes up, your I.Q goes down. You can’t think intelligently when angry, or as I like to say, when you are under the influence of anger.

So, you calm down,  and when you are calm, Address (the situation) think: what happened? Define the problem in the situation and think of a rational solution or solutions to the problem. Put a timeline to the solutions, ask yourself: is there something I need to do now? Today? Make a solution plan, write it down perhaps.

If you are not sure about what happened, make a plan to ask or otherwise find out what happened, if it’s possible.

Next, Respond (or not): according to the solutions you came up with, do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done. Sometimes nothing needs to be said or done, so you don’t.

And lastly, Redirect: direct your attention elsewhere.

I call the above strategy NPARR (Notice, Pause, Address, respond-or-not, Redirect).

Mindfulness is a huge part of modern psychotherapy: it’s about paying attention/ focusing on the present moment and living intentionally (instead of living in the past and on automatic). Mindfulness practice, over time, changes the biochemical habits I mentioned above.

anita