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- This topic has 220 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 6 days ago by anita.
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April 9, 2024 at 12:05 pm #431469ZenithParticipant
Hey Anita. I am back. It wasnt about you. I felt like I shared something yesterday on that thread and i thought that other people might judge me so i wanted to deleted the thread. I got anxious and deleted the account. I thought deleting the account will delete the thread. It didnt do that. Then i contacted Lori to deleted and she did it. I am sorry i hope you dont mind. Last week i did tell you that i want that that thread to be deleted.
April 9, 2024 at 12:10 pm #431473anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
First, I am THRILLED that you are back! I suppose you read my message to you earlier today (in my own thread). I did remember that you mentioned some time ago that you might delete your thread, and we talked about it, but I didn’t know if yesterday was different. Anyway, you are back, yeah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anita
April 9, 2024 at 12:24 pm #431477ZenithParticipantI have been reading the other thread started by you since yesterday. I am so sorry that you had go all through the trauma. I couldnt control my tears. I am prayed to God to give you lot of strength to heal your emotional wounds. No child should ever go through that.
April 9, 2024 at 12:29 pm #431478anitaParticipantI just finished a post for you before I read your 2nd post above, so here it is:
Dear Zenith:
Also, I think I know of what you shared yesterday made you anxious, so I will not bring it up in this thread. I will not bring up anything from what you shared in the past, so to keep this thread a safe place for you. Share only what you feel comfortable sharing.
One of the things we can talk more about is the topic of emotion regulation, it is a crucial part of mental health.”
As to your 2nd post, right above, thank you very much for your empathy and prayers, greatly appreciated!
anita
April 9, 2024 at 12:37 pm #431479ZenithParticipantOkay. I have been watching videos regarding anxious attachment after you posted about it on the previous thread. When i saw the videos it looks like I am anxiously attached to people because of lack of trust in me and others. Now a days I am getting angry very easily when somebody prioritizes others over me.. I am finding it heard to regulate my anger. I just shut down during communication or lash at people in my life. I dont want to hurt others because of my anger. Yeah thats a nice idea to talk about emotional regulation.
April 9, 2024 at 12:45 pm #431480anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
(I am still excited about you being back here, there are a few tears in my eyes right now!)
I see excellent insight in your post right above. Also, I see a good person, a good mother who wants to do what it takes to address and regulate her emotions, particularly anger.
There are ways to do this, I did, and I keep doing it. I will pass on to you what I learned in-practice (!) best I can. It will take persistent effort over time. But you’ll be amazed with your progress within a few months, if you persistently do the work.
Right before you shut down or lash out, you feel intense anger, an overwhelming amount of frustration and anger, don’t you?
anita
April 9, 2024 at 12:54 pm #431481ZenithParticipantAwe. You are a very good friend of mine. Even i felt bad when i deleted my account abruptly yesterday. I registered again today thinking about you then once I registered I saw your post for me on the other thread. Yeah I do experience intense amount of anger and frustration like no one understands or prioritizes me . Sometimes it reminds me of my father, I feel like I am behaving just like my father. He is a very short tempered person. Then I regret and cry about it.
April 9, 2024 at 1:10 pm #431482anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
You are an equally good friend of mine, thank you for being my friend!
“I feel like I am behaving just like my father. He is a very short tempered person“- it’s not that short-temperedness passes on genetically. A whole lot of people who are genetically unrelated, are short-tempered, and that’s because they were never taught (primarily by their parents), and they never otherwise learned emotion regulation.
“Yeah I do experience intense amount of anger and frustration like no one understands or prioritizes me“- the first thing to learn/ the first step of the emotion regulation process, is to Notice when you feel an intense amount of anger, and second step to do is to Pause (that is, to say nothing to anyone, and do nothing/ no response). At the Pause phase, you are not trying to analyze what was said and what happened to cause your intense anger. At this point your focus is on saying/ doing nothing.
While you Pause, take time out of the situation as soon as it is possible for you, and go to another room/ someplace where you are alone, so to do the third step of the emotion regulation practice.
I need to stop here and soon go on my daily walk (a part of my personal emotion regulation practice). I will be back to the computer in about two hours.
anita
April 9, 2024 at 3:20 pm #431490anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
Emotion regulation can not be achieved by making a decision, or by reading anything, including my posts. This is so because our emotional reactions to situations (such as your strong, angry emotional reaction to being ignored/ not being prioritized) is a biochemical habit, meaning, when you are ignored, or you perceive that you are ignored, certain chemicals (neurotransmitters) are released in the brain, and other chemical (hormones) are released into your blood, and these chemicals create your emotional experience.
* I am not a scientist, so I am sure that my explanation above is simplistic, but in principle it’s correct.
You cannot stop these chemicals from being released in your body by making a decision or reading this post. The way to change these biochemical reactions is to commit to the slow, intentional process required day after day, persistently, and over time. There will be regressions, but you’ll need to not give up.
I too used to lash out at people, but guess what? I didn’t lash out at anyone for the last 7 years or so, not even once!
The process starts with the Notice I mentioned above, then the Pause, and next, once you are alone for a moment, take a few slow breaths (and, if possible, take a hot shower, or listen to music, something that will calm you down)- calm down before you think. There is a saying: when your anger goes up, your I.Q goes down. You can’t think intelligently when angry, or as I like to say, when you are under the influence of anger.
So, you calm down, and when you are calm, Address (the situation) think: what happened? Define the problem in the situation and think of a rational solution or solutions to the problem. Put a timeline to the solutions, ask yourself: is there something I need to do now? Today? Make a solution plan, write it down perhaps.
If you are not sure about what happened, make a plan to ask or otherwise find out what happened, if it’s possible.
Next, Respond (or not): according to the solutions you came up with, do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done. Sometimes nothing needs to be said or done, so you don’t.
And lastly, Redirect: direct your attention elsewhere.
I call the above strategy NPARR (Notice, Pause, Address, respond-or-not, Redirect).
Mindfulness is a huge part of modern psychotherapy: it’s about paying attention/ focusing on the present moment and living intentionally (instead of living in the past and on automatic). Mindfulness practice, over time, changes the biochemical habits I mentioned above.
anita
April 9, 2024 at 4:22 pm #431491ZenithParticipantThanks for telling me the technique.Do I still do the same thing when I am angry with someone. Like talk to them later instead of that moment ?
April 9, 2024 at 4:25 pm #431492ZenithParticipantLets say I was angry with my friend. When I calmed down a bit i thought about it. I told myself that i cannot control who my friend interacts with then i told myself i have to trust her and let it be.But the thought of losing my friend or losing control over her made me cry.
April 9, 2024 at 4:27 pm #431493ZenithParticipantAnother case was diasgreements between my husband and I. I wanted to do something in a different way than he thought but still he did it in his own way that just made me angry.I get angry when things dont go my way.
April 9, 2024 at 5:15 pm #431495anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
You are welcome (I am still excited about you being back!)
“Do I still do the same thing when I am angry with someone. Like talk to them later instead of that moment ?“- yes, like the saying goes, when your anger is up, your I.Q. is down. So, better to postpone talking until calm, or calmer. Never talk when intensely angry (unless in real-emergency situations, of course).
“Lets say I was angry with my friend. When I calmed down a bit, I thought about it. I told myself that I cannot control who my friend interacts with“- what you did here is a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) technique: you came up with an accurate, realistic thought (you really can’t control who she interacts with). When we replace inaccurate/ unrealistic thoughts with accurate, realistic thoughts, we feel better about the situation. This CBT technique of replacing thoughts can be part of the Address (the situation) step of the NPARR.
“then I told myself I have to trust her and let it be. But the thought of losing my friend or losing control over her made me cry“- if the thought crosses your mind, at times, that you can control her (not necessarily in these words), then this is an inaccurate/ unrealistic thought that you can replace with I cannot control her. Repeat the accurate thought while taking slower breaths, relaxing a bit.
“Another case was disagreements between my husband and I. I wanted to do something in a different way than he thought, but still he did it in his own way, that just made me angry. I get angry when things don’t go my way.”– this makes me think of a kid in a supermarket, wanting this or that to be purchased for him, or her, and when the parent refuses, the child gets angry, falls to the ground and throws a temper tantrum. In this case, what would a good parent do? Respond to then child with a mix of empathy and assertiveness: lower to the child’s level and say with a strong voice (not yelling), something like: I understand that you are upset and we will talk about it when we get home, but right now, I need you to get up, to quiet down and quietly leave the supermarket with me. It is not okay to make all this noise in a public place, to disturb the peace of all these good people around.
How does this relate to you?- — you will have to teach the child-within you emotion regulation. Part of you should be the Parent to the Child part, teach and guide the child-part with empathy and assertiveness, like in the example I gave. The child part (who gets her say sometimes) will learn to tolerate it when she doesn’t get her way (assuming that the other person’s way is not unethical or abusive).
anita
April 9, 2024 at 7:08 pm #431498anitaParticipantEdit, last paragraph: How does this relate to you?- — you will have to teach the child-within you emotion regulation. Part of you should be the Parent to the Child part, teach and guide the child-part with empathy and assertiveness, like in the example I gave. The child part (who gets her way sometimes) will learn to tolerate it when she doesn’t get her way (assuming that the other person’s way is not unethical or abusive).
anita
April 10, 2024 at 12:50 pm #431550ZenithParticipantI exactly felt the same. I felt like i was throwing a tantrum like my kid. I felt like a kid stuck in adults body unable to control my emotions(ANGER).My little one does it all the time just throw a tantrum or have a breakdown when we say no.I just get angry when my husband does it other way. I have to put the technique in practice.
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