Hi Tee,

How are you doing?

I am glad your grandfather’s belief (that people are self-centered and don’t genuinely care about others) hasn’t affected you too much. And that you still choose to help others, rather than only look for your own self-interest. You are a kind and generous person, SereneWolf, even if you were exposed to this kind of messaging…

Yes that’s what I try to tell my inner self like no matter what I’ve been through I didn’t lose hope in humanity and connections. Then have some love for yourself.

Okay, so you were top of the class in your elementary and high school. But when you chose a college which you had no interest in (you chose it only because it was “in demand”, promising good career opportunities and a good salary, I suspect), your grades started getting worse, and you even failed in math. Basically, when you forced yourself to do something you don’t love, you immediately did worse.

Yes I do think it’s like that I don’t perform good if I’m not attached to it emotionally. But It was also because of my people pleasing behaviour, Like I didn’t wanted to disappoint my parents. But nonetheless later on I did, After 4 semester (2 Years) I put a stop to that college.

I think it goes to show that it is very important for you to do what you love and what is aligned with your values – because that’s where you can really thrive. I guess when you later chose another college, it was something you liked better and which is more aligned with you interests and preferences? And it has now lead you to a job which you really like (how it is going btw? have you finished with onboarding?

Actually after that my focus wasn’t just on the college, But also the work that I was doing. Like not exactly the same but I wanted to have the more flexible program that includes my interest. And luckily I passed, tbh I didn’t had to do hard work for my bachelor’s.

Now the Master’s would be more important because that’s for the current thing that I’m doing or sector wide, Like Sustainability or IT. But I’m not rushing.

I’m finished with my onboarding, It wasn’t that long, But I’m still learning their ways, I really like that they’re not rigid about certain ways If I like something my way I can do it that way. But they’re humble enough to show like here’s what we think is the most efficient way.

And I’m kinda proud of myself since They already gave me an assistant (She’s also intern doing Masters in sustainability) in just 2^nd week because during the talk they didn’t say I’d have manage anyone. But they trust me enough even taking on consulting projects. So my work is more diverse towards Product analytics and Consulting side as well. And another cool thing we’re all in different time zones. That means no unnecessary meetings.

Maybe your parents told you they love you and that they do everything in your best interest (my mother certainly told me that), but it doesn’t mean it was like that in practice. If I got a B (instead of an A), my mother was displeased with me and would condemn me for not studying hard enough. Having all A’s was taken for granted (I was never praised for being an excellent pupil), but even the slightest “slip” was heavily criticized. So her love wasn’t unconditional. I didn’t feel loved in those moments, I felt rejected.

I guess you’ve experienced something similar with your father: if you were top in class, he was pleased with you and would buy you presents. If you were not the first, but still excellent, he was displeased with you, right? I guess this taught you that you have to always be the best, otherwise your father won’t be proud of you. His love and validation were very conditional. Basically sending you a message “I will only love you and approve of you if you are perfect. Anything short of that is not good enough.”

Yes it was similar with me. And talking about it it makes me remember this point. Is this why I’m also not impressed with anyone’s educational qualities now? Or just not impressed with anything that much. Like huh. Good. So what? Am I becoming my father? 😂

Perhaps it taught you that you need to be perfect to be loved?

Something just occurred to me: your father expected that you be perfect in terms of academic achievements and career success. Whereas your mother expected you to control your emotions perfectly. To always put on a happy face and never show that something is bothering you.

So they both expected perfection from you, only in different areas. You couldn’t be totally yourself with neither of them, and I think that’s why you have trust issues in relationships.

You said:

Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too.

You believe you need to work hard on yourself, because you are not good enough as you are. That’s your father’s conditioning: You need to be perfect (excelling in many things) to be loved and valued.

And then you also want to perfect your partner too. Your inner critic is critical not only of yourself, but of your partner too. We’ve already talked about it before. With your previous girlfriend, you got into a dynamic of trying to perfect her. The focus was on her and her flaws. And I think it prevented you from showing her your “imperfect” self, your vulnerable, less than perfect, and yet totally lovable self.

 

Ohh right a very insightful point indeed! I think I’ve mentioned in the start that I was a perfectionist and maybe still am in one or another ways.. My drive to work hard on myself is still moderately high. As well as excelling in many things. And It’s also true I still don’t feel good enough which is impacting my self esteem

And Yes I’m trying to be vulnerable with friends, Just a recent example, My friend’s friend reached out to me and wanted talk even though another friend told me how she is opposite of what I like, She smokes, she’s dramatic and her anger is always on the edge. But I didn’t said no. I saw it from a different perspective this time we talked till 2am. I tried to understood why she’s the way she is and I noticed that it’s just her coping mechanisms, At heart she’s kind and loving woman. Not just her but most of our generation have bad habits and mental heath just because they feel alone and not loved.

(The reason why you were afraid to show vulnerability could be because of your mother’s expectation to never show your emotionally distressed, raw, “immature” self.)

You are asking:

hurt how many more times until find the right person? Seems scary

Hm… it’s not really about finding the right person. Because you admitted that there was nothing really wrong with your most recent girlfriend, and yet you didn’t want the relationship. You backed off because for you, it’s scary, intimate relationships are scary…

And I think it’s because you believe you need to be perfect, both in terms of career/money earning ability (your father’s conditioning), and emotional “maturity” and strength (your mother’s conditioning).

And that IS scary!

If you believe that intimate relationship requires total perfection, of course it is intimidating. And hard work. And impossible to achieve.

But what if it only took for you to show up as you are? And let her show up as she is? Nothing more than that… no hard work, no pressure, no urge to perfect yourself (or her)…. Just letting yourself be, with all your good and bad sides? Because you are good enough…

What do you think? About adopting a new blueprint/new vision for an intimate relationship?

 

Haha I’m actually surprised with your ability to use words on point, But you’re right and I understand your point. I’m trying to be my true self and showing the vulnerability. I don’t think I need to be perfect 100% but yeah not sure for now it’s the healthy drive to strive or still a perfectionist inside me. Also I’m not judgy like I used to be. Before I’d be like hmm this person and labels them now I try to understand first and I don’t try to fix them or at least urge to fix them is gone.