fbpx
Menu

Reply To: Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality?

HomeForumsRelationshipsShould a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality?Reply To: Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality?

#431503
ParadoxMusic
Participant

Dear Tee,

Before Christmas 2022, I knew that she had feelings for her ex and that she took a half naked picture with her ex (the difference is that she told me it was not the ex that was living with her at the time but I found out this year that it was the ex that lived with her). All of this happened within the first week. Then in December I found out that the guy living with her was her ex, which she had not told me before.

Yes these are red flags but I forgave the first two because it happened within the first week and I was still madly in love and she said it was a genuine mistake. She said that on the day she took the picture and video with her ex, she was actually in her towel with her ex’s sister who was removing her braids but when she got busy, the ex’s sister told the ex to remove the braids for her and so she just allowed him to remove her braids for her. Keep in mind that she was naked, but she had the towel wrapped around her body so her naked body is not visible to her ex. So I decided to forgive on the technicality because I just decided to consider it a careless mistake. But she lied to me about who the man was until I found out a year later. She said she lied because she didn’t want me to think I was a rebound. Lots of excuses not gonna lie, but my stupid self forgave her. As for what happened in December, I was upset that she didn’t tell me but I still forgave her because I still considered it a genuine mistake. So that is only 3 red flags that I had considered minor and did not let it affect my view of her cause I was stupid. And she didn’t gaslight me, she just said that she thought the fact that the guy was her ex felt unimportant to her but she admitted her mistake after the guy tried to attack me.

But after that, she did not make any severe mistakes (other than calling my parents racists and causing a fight over a misunderstanding) that I was aware of until this year. So even though we had a lot of fights, they were not severe enough to be considered red flags by me. The prolonged peace made me assume that she was the best person for me. Besides, keep in mind that this is my very first relationship so I barely knew anything about red flags and green flags.

“It wasn’t something to be forgiven, especially the part where she arrogantly claimed that you didn’t need to know about the housing arrangement with her” Yes I know it was not supposed to be forgiven but my inexperience caused me to label her mistakes as small mistakes anyone could make. And she did not arrogantly claim that I didn’t need to know, she claimed that the information was unimportant but she admitted that it was her mistake. So her apologies and excuses blinded me from the truth.

“And I think it’s because you were blinded by the idea of her as your perfect wife, and the physical aspect of your relationship (not just sexual, but also massage, touch, her taking care of your hair, cooking and cleaning for you). I think the idea of the “perfect wife”, which you adopted form your parents: cooking, cleaning, taking care of her husband’s physical needs, might have prevented you from seeing other aspects of her personality.” Tee, I don’t know if you are forgetting but I already stated what I was looking for in a woman and it was not just physical needs. I already told you that my parents taught me that my wife should be my best friend, so it is not just the physical aspect. I just listed the physical things because those were the things I remembered at the time of writing the message. But I would say my inexperience and naiveness played a role in blinding me as even though I noticed the red flags, I just considered them as mistakes that anyone would do and believed that she would never repeat them.

“What I want to say, Paradoxy, is that she did show you her bad side right from the start. But you didn’t see it. Because you were blinded.” Yes I was blind, but like I said, it was only three red flags, and it happened at the very beginning of the relationship so the prolonged periods of peace made it seem as though everything was perfect. And I DID SEE it, I was just stupid enough to consider the red flags as genuine mistakes. That is why we broke up each time she displayed the red flag, but I kept forgiving her and coming back.

“It’s not even the fact that she slept with another man that is the most disturbing – but that she is blaming you for it. That’s the most disturbing, in my opinion.” I know, it disturbs me too, but she apologized and told me she was just ranting her feelings in anger and she didn’t mean it, and I forgave her because I have said harsh things when I was angry too.

“No, technically she didn’t cheat. But blaming you for it is so deeply unfair and emotionally abusive” But she apologized, does that count? Should I forgive her for blaming me just cause she apologized for doing so?

“Dear Paradoxy, you might want to tell her something like “your behavior is obnoxious, you’ve hurt me so much with your lies and manipulation and blaming me for the things that are your fault, and I’ve had it. I don’t want to argue with you any more. We are done.” We are already broken up, but we still kept in contact since she owes me a lot of stuff but she cut out the last part of me that cared for her when she told me that what happened to her in January was none of my business because it happened right after our break up and that she shouldn’t have even told me because we were not dating when it happened. That felt like a slap to my face cause what if she never told me? What if I never found out what happened in January? I would probably be still dating her, blind to her true nature.

I may have a right to how I feel, but I just didn’t want to be unfair in the way I treat her cause of my emotions, such as the verbal abuse Anita kept telling me about. But I see things clearer now. I am just very disappointed that she was not the one for me.

Paradoxy