Dear Paradoxy,

Yes Tee, I understand, there is nothing wrong about your harshness. I was just afraid to face reality.

I am glad you didn’t find it offensive or inconsiderate. But yes, unfortunately the truth can sometimes be harsh.

Regarding the half-naked photo, I think your assumption that she could have slept with him is actually right:

I confronted her and she said it was one of her exes, the one who she still had feelings for. She did not imply anything about sleeping with the man. I am the one saying that she COULD HAVE slept with him, and she could just be lying to me by not giving the details of what happened on that day, cause she was naked with only a towel wrapped around her. Everyone has hormones and if she was sexually stimulated enough by her ex, she COULD HAVE slept with him.

She said he still had feelings for him, and you later realized that he had feelings for her too (because he was jealous of you). So what do you think happened when they reconciled and she told him she still loves him? I am pretty sure they didn’t remain platonic, and then, after they’d presumably abstained from sex, they made a photo with her naked, wrapped only in a towel.

I mean, it’s pretty clear what happened. She actually told you that indirectly, but she also said it doesn’t count, because you were broken up in those few days. You said that’s her logic: even if you break up and reconcile every second week, sleeping with someone else in between wouldn’t be cheating, according to her. So it wasn’t “technically” cheating. But I am pretty sure it happened.

But then, when she talked about it a year later, suddenly they didn’t sleep together…

I don’t remember recalling events more favorable to her. I am considering all the factors that are playing in the situation.

Okay, here it is. On April 8, you asked:

Is it still considered cheating if she only slept with the man AFTER we broke up? Even though preparations were made WITHOUT her knowledge?

However, in your very first post, on March 20, you said that the preparations were made with her knowledge. You said she knew where the money was coming from, but didn’t want to tell you:

SHE KNEW BEFORE IT HAPPENED THAT THE MONEY WAS COMING FROM A MAN AND SHE DID NOT TELL ME WHEN SHE FOUND OUT.

Also:

The aunt told her about the married man when B and I started dating. So she was already in a healthy relationship when she learnt about the married man. And when the suggestion was made, she already told me that her aunt wanted her to do it and we had already discussed how wrong that was and it was obvious that I did not want her to do it and she had agreed.

And:

It so happened that her aunt had been giving her money for several months, which she had told me before but I told the fact that her aunt is giving her so much money is weird because no one gives money like that without expecting something in return.

So she clearly knew about her aunt’s plan – she even told you about it. And when the money started coming, she knew where it is coming from. But she didn’t tell you, although you were suspicious about it.

So that’s what you said on March 20, in your very first post. But on April 8, you said that the preparations were made without her knowledge. I mean, she knew about her aunt’s plan, she was receiving money beforehand….  there wasn’t much unknown to her.

That’s why I thought that either she changed the story, or you started remembering it differently, to be more to her favor, because that was a part of self-deception. You wanted to believe her so badly, to make her seem innocent, and so perhaps you started remembering things differently?

We do have a counselor here but that is the last thing I want right now. The only place where I get to rant is here. Besides, I have priorities. I find comfort in making music now as it is what I wanted to do more than med, and I find that good enough for now.

Good to know you’re finding comfort in making music! Perhaps some day, soon enough, you’ll decide to see a counselor too.

I can’t even confide in the close friend of mine because everyone is human, I can’t just rant to him like that. He most likely wouldn’t want to support me in that manner. That is why I said I have no friends. He is literally all I got and I am pretty sure he is tired of my drama cause I tell him most of the time whenever B and I break up only to get back together.

I understand. He might not know what to say or how to support you properly. But you can tell him that you broke up with B (this time for good) and that you’re pretty devastated. But I guess you’ve already told him that?

I am just disappointed that everyone was right about her.

Yeah, sometimes it makes sense to pay attention, if everybody is telling you the same. But it’s hard, it often takes a big disappointment and disillusionment, before we can see the truth.

I believed she would be the exception to the stereotype everyone (not my parents) kept describing.

Yes, that’s hard – to believe you’ve managed to find a good woman, who doesn’t fit the stereotype, only to fall into one.

Actually, I think the stereotype your parents (and everybody else) taught you consists of two parts: one part of the stereotype is that women do stupid things (women “overthink” and “don’t listen”, as you expressed). And the other part of the stereotype is that most modern women are gold-diggers and/or immoral.

I think you didn’t completely adopt the second stereotype – you didn’t completely believe that all women are gold-diggers. You thought there are exceptions (and you thought B is one such exception). But you completely believed the first stereotype: that women tend to do stupid things, or behave stupidly. And that’s what made you believe that B’s behavior is stupidity, rather than manipulation. So believing in Stereotype No 1 blinded you to B’s true nature.

That’s why I said that a part of your healing should be to get rid of those stereotypes, i.e. false beliefs about women.

If you have more things to say, might as well finish it off in this thread because you never know when we might talk again.

Yes, I wanted to write some more about how suppressing emotions leads to believing that women do stupid things, i.e. to Stereotype No 1. I’ll try to get to it soon.

Thank you for all the advice and support you have given me.

You are most welcome, Paradoxy!