Dear Paradoxy,

She apologized for saying that it was not my business to know about what happened in January but she could still be manipulating the truth.

It was also very recently that she was still claiming that you didn’t need to know about it, because you were not together in that week:

We are already broken up, but we still kept in contact since she owes me a lot of stuff but she cut out the last part of me that cared for her when she told me that what happened to her in January was none of my business because it happened right after our break up and that she shouldn’t have even told me because we were not dating when it happened

So I wouldn’t trust any of her apologies. Because it seems that’s her modus operandi: first she tries to find an excuse, then she blames you, and then if you’re still insisting that what she did was wrong, only then does she apologize. Her goal is take the responsibility off of herself, at all costs. No matter what she does, she isn’t to blame. Everybody else is, including you, but not her.

In her letter, her 3rd sentence is already a lie and twisting of truth:

The fights and lies were a lot to deal with for both of us.

She doesn’t say “I lied to you”, but she makes it seem as if you both lied to each other. Which isn’t true because she was lying and hiding the truth about her ex. You did nothing of the kind. She was lying to you, but she makes it seem as if you both lied.

because I was your first relationship, you had expectations, and when those weren’t met, I was crucified but made excuses for it at the same time.

She blames you for having expectations, and says that you had those expectations only because it was your first relationship. As if having expectations is wrong. Well, your expectation that your partner shouldn’t lie, hide the truth from you, or deceive you are totally legitimate expectations. But she feels “crucified” for not having met those basic expectations.

She was shamelessly lying to you, and when found out, she feels “crucified”. That’s victim blaming. She blames you for calling you out on her dishonesty and deceitfulness. She presents herself as the victim, as the “crucified one”. Whereas you – the real victim of her lying – she views as the perpetrator. She is not only twisting the truth with this one, but turning it upside down!

Because I know I am being held to a certain standard, I have always told you that I felt like you were pure, and I didn’t like that I had sex with you.

As if the biggest problem is that she had sex with you. A much bigger problem is that she had sex with other people, while being in and out of the relationship with you.

I felt terrible because I knew that I had so many things to deal with that I could never tell you.

Well,  she did tell you (very early in your relationship) about her aunt’s plan for prostitution.

Though I was your girlfriend, it felt like I was your protector,

Protecting you by hiding crucial information from you, such as that her ex (whom she still had feelings for) is her housemate? How “thoughtful” of her…

You think I didn’t wish I could just run to you and lay everything at your feet? You think I didn’t want to just tell you everything and know that I was safe and secure? You don’t think I would love the feeling of me feeling like I don’t have to worry because my man got me?

If you were “her man”, why was she secretly living with her ex?

Godwin, you had broken up with me while I was going through the inhumane things I was experiencing, and then the things your parents said about me that had you upset and coming to me, which then turned into a fight later, made me feel like I really needed to handle things on my own. I did not feel safe telling you any of that.

Your parents labeled me as a gold digger, a girl trying to secure her future by dating you; they said I was taking advantage of you; I would cheat on you, etc., all because I am black and from the west.

I had already never felt safe. I love you, and I felt like over time we would reach that level of security in our relationship, but I was not feeling it, and with the fight and what your parents said added on top of it, I decided to deal with it on my own.

Let’s see: she was hurt by your insensitive question (whether she was a gold-digger) and by your parents’ (alleged) racist comments, where they warned you that she would cheat on you and that she is a gold-digger, only because of her skin color? (is this true btw?).

She felt they labelled her unjustly. She presumably felt alone and abandoned by everyone, and then…. she decided to deal with it on her own? So her way of dealing with an offer for prostitution is to accept it?

And then to blame you (and your parents) for “forcing” her into it?

See how insidious it is? She is again playing the victim: this time she is the victim of your “racist” parents (and of you, who is upholding their beliefs), and she had “no choice” but to accept the offer for prostitution. But why? That’s a very twisted logic. Actually I think I know why she accepted it, but it has nothing to do with you or your parents offending her. You are not to blame. But she is still blaming you.

Even though in the very next sentence she says she is not blaming you:

I do not blame you or anyone else for anything. I was a grown 21-year-old who was dumb in my ways. I take responsibility for my actions.

Yeah right. The whole previous paragraph was about blaming you and your parents for her prostitution.

Okay, I’ll stop here because it’s hard to read all those lies and manipulations. I might continue analyzing her letter later.

B keeps saying that she is not trying to justify her actions. She says that she is only explaining how she felt.

But you see that she IS trying to justify her actions and blame you in process, don’t you?

But reading her messages make me feel like maybe she is right, maybe I am the problem overall. Maybe women are just better off without me.

No, she is manipulating you because she doesn’t want to take responsibility for her actions, even if she claims she does. She is still blaming you, while claiming she is not. Pretty insidious!

I understand my mistakes and I want to correct them.

Good to hear that. But you shouldn’t take advice from her on what to change, because she is a very manipulative and abusive person. Please don’t believe her words, don’t believe her judgment of you.