Dear Paradoxy,

I’d like to comment some more on her letter, because it is quite telling…

So here are some things she said about you:

you had expectations, and when those weren’t met, I was crucified but made excuses for it at the same time.

I never felt safe enough to tell you because I felt like I needed to be the one who was there for you. I didn’t feel protected by you

you had broken up with me while I was going through the inhumane things I was experiencing [btw, did she tell you before that fight for Christmas that her aunt is pushing her to prostitute herself (if those are the “inhumane things” that she is referring to)?],

and then the things your parents said about me… your parents labeled me as a gold digger, a girl trying to secure her future by dating you; they said I was taking advantage of you; I would cheat on you, etc., all because I am black and from the west.

So around Christmas 2022, before she prostituted herself, she saw you as someone:

• with whom she felt crucified for not meeting his expectations,
• with whom she never felt safe enough,
• who couldn’t protect her,
• whose parents are racists and will never accept her, and
• who is under the influence of his parents and will not marry someone they don’t approve of (“I told her why my parents would not approve of her and the consequence of us dating would be that I would have to choose my parents over her when it is time for marriage if my parents reject her“).

And yet, merely a week after the prostitution, she came back to you, wanting to reconcile because: “it felt like you were the only good thing in my life at the time.”

So she described you as a judgmental, unsupportive, bigoted guy, who is most probably not going to marry her. And yet, she wanted to return to you, because “you are the only good thing in her life”.

And then, as the time went by, she says you were “destroying” her more and more, and that she became unrecognizable:

Before I met you, I was happy and glowing. While I was dating you, I became unrecognizable. Sad. Always trying to please you, wear what you wanted me to wear, say what you wanted me to say, and do what was pleasing in your eyes.

But still, she always wanted to go back to you. After each break up she would tell you she misses you… even though, according to her, you were abusing her.

I was thinking how is that possible. One explanation could be that she developed a trauma bond with you (trauma bond is when the victim is trying to get love from her abuser, and therefore cannot leave the abuser). However, that could have been an explanation for her behavior – if she truly became a different person and “unrecognizable” due to being in the relationship with you. For example, if she became isolated from her friends, depressed, sitting at home all the time, wearing only the clothes that you approve of, not posting anything on social media, etc.

However, based on everything you said, it seems to me that she didn’t become a different person: she actually kept behaving the way she liked, not the way you told her to behave. You did try to control her and change her, which was a mistake (because controlling someone like that and trying to force them to be something they are not is abusive. But that’s a different topic).

So you wanted to try to fit her into your vision of a perfect wife, but she never “gave in”. She might have apologized, but those were fake apologies, because she continued to do stuff that you didn’t want her to do. So in that sense, I believe she never “succumbed” to your pressure, and never became a different person.

That’s why I think that she wasn’t really your victim, as she is portraying herself, but in fact stayed with you for a reason. Not because she was trauma bonded and wanted your validation, but for a very pragmatic reason: because you were helping her financially.

In the beginning I thought she might really need your validation (and that’s what she herself claimed). But after the financial aspect of your relationship became clear, I realized that she most probably doesn’t need validation, but money.

Anyway, that’s my current understanding. I believe she wasn’t your victim, but chose to stay with you for her own purposes. It doesn’t mean you treated her well, even though you believed you were a loving boyfriend. We can talk more about your own mistakes.

But in any case, I believe she wasn’t a naive, innocent girl whom you harmed, but rather, she seems like a calculating woman, who stayed with you for her own interests.