Dear Paradoxy,

I know that I am behaving like I don’t learn from my mistakes Tee please forgive me.

I am sorry you are suffering so much, and I am not judging you at all. I know how it is to do things that are self-destructive, or against our best interests, but to keep doing them still, to not be able to stop. It’s like an addiction, it’s stronger than us.

The thing is I know better but I have a lot of pride and I can’t seem to let go of it. I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of believing that she was right all along.

It is like the saying “Imagine being bitten by a snake and instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the poison, you’re trying to catch the snake to find out the reason it bit you and prove to it that you didn’t deserve that.” I can’t seem to be able to get myself out of that mindset.

Okay, so you are aware that she is like a snake, but you still have the urge to prove it to her that you didn’t deserve to be bitten – that you are a good person, right?

Because she is portraying you as a bad person, as an abuser, and you want to prove it to her that she is wrong. So I guess you want to prove it to her that you are a good, loving person. That your intentions are pure, right?

EVEN IF I WAS LYING, THERE IS NO WAY TO PROVE MY INTENTIONS. That is what I hate the most.

Okay, so you want to prove it – to her – that your intentions are pure. I see a theme, the main striving of yours: to prove that you are a good person and that your intentions are pure. Would that be true?

Even though she is so wrong, she hit my ego really really hard and I don’t like it. She has successfully hit me where I am most vulnerable.

But she is hitting me hard where it hurts the most and idk how to deal with it. The way she describes everything just makes me question my reality and doubt everything I have done and it is driving me further into depression cause everything I did and trying to do seems pointless.

It seems to me that the place you are most vulnerable is believing (at least a part of you believes it) that you are bad. That you are an abuser. That you cause other people pain. And that’s exactly one of your false core beliefs, which we’ve identified before: “I am the source of pain for others.”

So the dynamic is: one part of you (your inner child) believes he is a source of pain for others. And he is trying to prove that he isn’t. He is trying to prove that he is a good, loving boy, with pure intentions, and that he doesn’t want to hurt anybody.

The problem is that he is trying to prove that to people who lack empathy and understanding. People who are unable to understand. People who refuse to listen. People who are accusing him, instead of seeing how hurtful their behavior is.

And who are these people? B. And your parents.

So that’s what you are dealing with, Paradoxy. A childhood wound that you are trying to heal with the wrong means.

As you said, you have been wounded (by a snake), and instead of tending to the wound, you are trying to catch the snake and prove it to her that you didn’t deserve to be bitten. That you are a good guy, with pure intentions, who doesn’t want to cause her pain.

Does the snake listen, is she trying to understand? No, she bites you once again… and again… finding more and more “proofs” how bad and insincere you are.

And so, by engaging with the snake, your inner child gets wounded more and more. With each interaction, he gets a confirmation of his false belief: that he causes pain to others.

That’s why this is happening:

The way she describes everything just makes me question my reality and doubt everything I have done and it is driving me further into depression cause everything I did and trying to do seems pointless.

Exactly. Because in the interaction with the snake, the wound of your inner child gets deeper. And it causes you to feel even more helpless and depressed.

So what’s the way out? You need to tend to the wound of your inner child, properly. Which means: you need to stop interacting with the snake. Stop wanting any kind of validation from her. Get away from her. There is nothing she can give you except injuring you even more.

Can you see that?

And then you need to start healing your inner child. Which means: start loving yourself. Start having empathy and compassion for yourself – something that neither your parents or B had.

You need to give yourself empathy, rather than seek empathy from people who are unable to give it.

How does this sound?