Dear Tee,

Thank you for understanding Tee.

“Okay, so you are aware that she is like a snake, but you still have the urge to prove it to her that you didn’t deserve to be bitten – that you are a good person, right?” Yes that is precisely it. But I think I am doing it for myself too. Because the things she say makes me question myself and doubt my intentions when making decisions. Proving her wrong gives me some form of inner peace. I want to prove that my intentions were pure, even if some of my decisions were poorly made.

“So the dynamic is: one part of you (your inner child) believes he is a source of pain for others. And he is trying to prove that he isn’t. He is trying to prove that he is a good, loving boy, with pure intentions, and that he doesn’t want to hurt anybody.” Yes that is precisely what is happening. I never wanted to hurt anyone. But talking to B is reminding me of all the persons who looked down on me, the list is not limited to the stories that I have told you about my past cause other small incidents occurred that doesn’t have a major impact but it still ended the same way as everyone else. Even with the case with Anita, it was not my intention to hurt her, but in the end that is what I did and I am to be blamed for that.

“Does the snake listen, is she trying to understand? No, she bites you once again… and again… finding more and more “proofs” how bad and insincere you are.” She bit me again last night. Apparently she exported my entire chat with my guy friend while I was unaware (I don’t have the habit of deleting things because I’ve never had anything to hide, which she knew) and she had been reading through my several year long chat with him, making false assumptions about things that I said, and now she thinks I fell out of love way before I found out about the January incident and she believes I had been cheating on her with the girl that inspired me to make a song, and more false accusations. Unfortunately I have no evidence to prove her wrong and hearing her make these false accusations just keeps breaking me more and more. I have not slept one bit last night cause of the things she said. I have been crying all night, screaming in anger and frustration and agony, asking God what I did to deserve all of this. She just reminded me of how they all looked at me, my parents, my bullies, my classmates, the people I tried to make friends with. The more and more I realized that I was actually alone and the realization was breaking me cause I really had no one. Memories of them all saying the same thing, about me being useless, about me being a burden to them, about me being a problem they don’t want to deal with. Memories of everyone pushing me away, persons I saw as my own brothers and sisters at one point, ignoring me even when all I did was say hi, pushing me away, even to the point they even started blocking me. Even Anita got tired of me, that just goes to show that maybe I am the issue. I dont remember if I said this before but there is saying that in a classroom, if one student fails, then it is the student’s fault. But if everyone failed, then it is the teacher’s fault. So since everyone had the same reaction to me, maybe I am the problem?

“So what’s the way out? You need to tend to the wound of your inner child, properly. Which means: you need to stop interacting with the snake. Stop wanting any kind of validation from her. Get away from her. There is nothing she can give you except injuring you even more. Can you see that?” Yes I can see that, but unfortunately I am the type of guy who is always willing to help someone in need without expecting anything in return, no matter what kind of grudge I have against them. It is my form of revenge to be precise, trying to prove that they were all wrong about me. That is why I end up still responding to her when she asks me for help or when she comes to me for comfort, because despite everything she said, she knows that I am the only person who understands her the most.

“You need to give yourself empathy, rather than seek empathy from people who are unable to give it. How does this sound?” How do you even give yourself empathy? I will try to heal from all of this, but I think I need to change myself as a person overall.

Paradoxy