Dear Paradoxy,

She comes to me whenever her work is over to rant about how her day went and etc and she likes talking about her problems to me but it is just comfort through texting, nothing more.

So sometimes she just complains about her stuff and you are her shoulder to cry on, but sometimes she steals private conversations from your phone and accuses you of your supposed “crimes” against her? So you are there to comfort her and have a nice word for her (i.e. be kind and supportive to her), but also to listen and agonize about her false accusations of you.

How perfect for her – you indeed giving your all, and she taking it all and accusing you that it’s not enough, that you are a bad person, with bad intentions, that you stopped loving her way earlier etc etc.

See? You are never enough, never worthy of her respect, no matter what you do.

But also, I would be careful of whatever she tells you about her problems at work and her supposed difficulties, because she has a habit of lying. I wouldn’t trust anything she says.

Just an example: She told you that her rich old guy friend, who visited from Spain, has pancreatic cancer (or some other deadly disease) and is close to his death:

she had already informed me about being invited by her girlfriends to go the concert and the guy friend was visiting from Spain after several years and it was the first time in a while he came to visit.

these men are like 60 or 70 years old, even her guy friend is married and close to his death (I think he has pancreatic cancer but I don’t remember exactly).

Well, someone with pancreatic cancer or any life threatening condition wouldn’t be able to travel from Spain to the Caribbeans to have fun at a pool party. Pancreatic cancer is the worst type, in the sense that it’s usually diagnosed when it’s already too late, and it takes the person away in a matter of months. So no way that he would be able to make such a trip.

Even if it’s not a pancreatic cancer but another life threatening disease, you don’t travel across the world, specially not without your loved ones (she said the guy is married). People with cancer do tend to travel with their loved ones to make memories, while they still can (before the disease has spread), but it’s always with their loved ones, not to have fun as a bachelor, with their male buddies. And it’s always to destinations closer to home, where they can access hospital if necessary, not across the Atlantic.

So, on both of those accounts, B’s story is a total fake. No way a terminally ill guy, who is married, would travel across the Atlantic to have a private party at the pool with his male friend and young local girls.

So… why would she be honest about anything else? Why would you believe any of her supposed “hardships” at work, with bad employers who want to take advantage of her, etc etc? It can all be fabricated. Perhaps not all, but you cannot tell for sure. Would a snake tell the truth?

Just that fact (her tendency to lie and fabricate things) would be a reason for me not to listen to anything she says, not to try to comfort her, not to try to help her. You were trying till now, but now it’s time to stop. Now your goal is to be strategic and get your laptop back, without engaging with her too much emotionally.

I am planning to cut my ties to her as soon as I get my stuff back, but she keeps bringing up excuses and asking for more time. She doesn’t have enough money to get a new laptop for her work so she can’t give me back my laptop and I will get in trouble if I don’t get the laptop back so I can’t just let her have it for free.

Yes, and that’s typical of her. More lies and excuses. She probably isn’t even planning to give you back your laptop. I wouldn’t be surprised if she came up with some lie about what happened to it, e.g. that it got stolen or something. Sorry, but I wouldn’t trust her one single thing.

She doesn’t have enough money to get a new laptop for her work

Why doesn’t her employer provide her with a laptop? It’s certainly not your duty. What is for sure is that you don’t need to stand by and tolerate her emotional abuse and false accusations, while at the same time being her shoulder to cry on and allowing that she is not returning your belongings and is finding excuses to drag the entire thing.

my stupid self does not like being cold to people in general. I am always kind and that kindness is my weakness here. I am being kind cause I don’t want the guilt to be nagging at me later on. It is like a pain for me cause I could walk by a beggar on the street and if he begs me for money and I say no, I end up constantly thinking about what the beggar said and wondering why I said no and also wondering if I should go back and give him some money.

This tells me that you don’t have any boundaries. Your parents never allowed you to have a will of your own, you had to do what you were told, no questions asked. You were not allowed to say No, to reject what you don’t like, and to go for what you do like. A simple example: you were forced to sit with adults and listen to their discussions, when you wanted to go out and play, like every other kid.

You were also taught that saying No means that you are a bad and selfish person. If you don’t comply with your parents’ wishes, you are a bad and selfish person. And so whenever you feel like saying No, you feel guilty about it.

That’s why, if a snake accuses you (falsely) of being a bad and selfish person, you believe her. And you try to be kind to her. Instead of protecting yourself from further abuse.

How do you even give yourself empathy? I will try to heal from all of this, but I think I need to change myself as a person overall.

It just occurred to me: having boundaries is a key aspect of self-love. Saying No to abuse, to people who are falsely accusing you, lying to you, manipulating you, and then have the audacity to seek your help and support. To people who are taking advantage of you. To people who are telling you you are selfish for not tolerating their abuse and their stepping on your head.

That would be the first. According to some therapists, we have three main needs in childhood: love, safety and boundaries. And you definitely weren’t allowed to have boundaries. None whatsoever. If you want to heal, you need to start setting boundaries, specially with people who want to hurt you.

A beggar, who asks you for a dime, might not want to hurt you. But B certainly does. So you might want to give a dime to a beggar, but please stop giving your all to B.

If you can’t get back your laptop for the time being, at least don’t allow her to bleed you out emotionally. Don’t try to comfort her when she comes with self-pity and fabricated problems. Even if you don’t block her phone, don’t engage, or be very curt, e.g. say “Ugh that’s tough.” And that’s it.

Whatever you do, don’t engage emotionally, don’t rush to offer help, even if she tries to guilt-trip you into helping her. Because it’s all a scam. Politely refuse, even if you have to say a white lie. E.g.”sorry I am really busy, don’t have time to talk”.

How does this sound? Is it too much? How do you feel about starting to set boundaries with her?