Dear Paradoxy,

No, he means emotional consoling. That I should be there for her to help her heal and it was not her fault and etc.

Hmmm I am very skeptical that she actually confided in this guy about her prostitution. Why would she do that? I doubt he is like a father figure to her. And as I said, the whole story is very suspicious – that he is married, sick with cancer, but still decided to travel overseas (alone) and have fun at pool parties. All of that sounds bogus to me. Specially the part where he is “consoling” her.

I think she said that only to make you feel guilty. Like he is so much more compassionate than you, who is judging her and “crucifying” her. I can totally see it as another guilt-tripping narrative, a story that is completely made up.

whatever he said to her, convinced her that I was cheating and lying to her the whole time. But when I asked him, he said that she misunderstood him and he didn’t lie.

I saw her rant about me to her friend and she painted me as the villain by omitting details and the friend kept supporting her, saying that I am not worth it and etc.

It’s easy for her to paint you as the villain – she simply omits important details, adds a few invented ones, and voila – here is her version of reality, in which you are the villain. I can totally see how she did the same after talking to your guy friend. He most probably didn’t say anything bad about you, but she twisted it and concluded that indeed, you are cheating on her.

I can even imagine a scenario where she doesn’t necessarily believe that you are cheating on her, but she pretends that she does, so she can torture you and falsely accuse you. I can’t tell, but I am starting to wonder if she actually enjoys to torture you, to tell you the things she knows will disturb you?

No he got married prior to his diagnosis I think but he essentially got married when he was ready to settle down with one woman, after he had enjoyed his youth to the peak with multiple other women.

So why wasn’t his wife with him, if he is severely ill and possibly going to die? You don’t go on an overseas trip alone, without your loved ones, specially if this might be your last big journey. It just doesn’t add up, Paradoxy.

Can I really blame her for not giving me the laptop cause she needs it for work and doesn’t have enough money yet to buy a new laptop?

No, but it’s not your duty to provide it for her. In fact, she can ask her old rich guy friend to give her money for a laptop, if he is already so “supportive.” I’d actually suggest it to her, and see how she reacts…

And I know I can use it, but I really don’t want cops to be involved in relationship crisis like this. It would raise unnecessary attention and I prefer to be invisible. But I did tell her that I would be forced to call the authorities on her, but she knows I wouldn’t cause I am not that kind of person.

I understand you don’t want to escalate things. But it’s good that you told her. Actually, you could give her a deadline by which time you expect her to give the laptop back, and if she doesn’t, you can say you’ll be forced to contact the authorities. And that you mean it seriously (even if you’re bluffing).

More like traitor. This is not the first time he fueled her fire with more misunderstandings so I am not amazed, cause last time she messaged him with her suspicion that I was cheating when in fact I was actually sleeping, and he agreed with her that I could be cheating, despite being fully aware that I am not the type of person to be cheating or anything

Was that when she broke up with you because she couldn’t reach you on the phone? Did he explain why he told her you might be cheating? Maybe he doesn’t like her, and that’s why he said something he knew will piss her off?

Yes I told him, but B is telling me that it was not in my right for me to share what happened to her, but she doesn’t realize that the trauma may be her experience, but her decisions as a result of the trauma became the root causes of my pain and suffering, therefore making it my right to share the cause of my pain and suffering.

Well, yes, it’s kind of intimate, so I understand why she was upset. But I also understand that you needed someone to talk to and “decompress”. But okay, perhaps he didn’t have to tell her that he knows.

It seems to me he really dislikes her (can’t blame him) and I guess he gets upset with her, and then tells her even the things that are better not to share. Specially since she is such a person who will later torture you for any of your friend’s slip ups.

He betrayed me by doing exactly what I told him not to do. He could have at least respected my wishes. But I think I still forgive him tho. But I don’t see him the same way as before anymore.

Yes, do forgive him, because I think he doesn’t have bad intentions. However, tell him that she will use every information he gives her against you, and that’s why it’s better not to share anything with her. Because she will use it against you. So he would need to stop communicating with her, specially as a mediator between you two.

And he would also need to stop “defending” you by being mean to her (if that’s what he’s been doing), because that will only infuriate her more. It is your task to deal with her, and he shouldn’t intervene.

So yeah, I think you and your guy friend should conspire a little and be strategic, because you are dealing with a serious enemy. So no information leakage should be allowed from him to her. Although she has already stolen the chat between you two, which I can imagine is a great resource for her to keep torturing you on various accounts :\

Let me repeat this, IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO HELP, THEN DON’T HELP. It is better than taking the risk of making things worse I swear.

Yes, in this case I agree. If he wants to help, but gives away information about you that she can later use against you, that’s counter-productive. However, she also invents things out of thin air – things that are completely untrue – so she doesn’t even need your friend’s slip ups. She knows how to torture you anyway. But yes, it’s better to protect yourself as much as possible by giving away as little information as possible.

Don’t I have a right to my wishes? I already told her that I wouldn’t commit suicide. I was just extremely depressed and I just wanted to die, I never said I would actually do it. Shouldn’t she be respecting my wishes? Don’t you think it is wrong for someone to pretend to be your friend and let you feel comfortable enough to open up and then instead of respecting your wishes, they think it is in their purview to do what they think is right for you?

Did you know that therapists for example are legally obliged to inform the authorities if someone is seriously considering suicide (or homicide)? In every other case the therapist must respect the client’s confidentiality, but not if there are serious indications that they might harm themselves or someone else.

That’s because protecting the person’s life is more important than betraying their trust. In your case, your friend was worried about you and it would have been too much for her to keep this type of secret. As I said, even a therapist is obliged not to keep that kind of secret.

It is people like that who make situations worse than it actually is, because they try to help and they don’t know how so they go about it the wrong way. In the end what happened? All she did was drive me further into depression, further into suicide.

Yes, I understand what you’re saying. Because you had to deal with your parents’ wrath afterwards – with their totally inappropriate and abusive reaction. And you were left at their mercy – you had nowhere to go.

It’s a big mistake that no one e.g. ordered that you should visit a psychologist. That the “ball” was returned back to your parents, who were actually your abusers.

So I understand why you are so upset about people trying to help, but not taking into account the consequences it may have on you.

But also please be aware of who the enemy No1 is: the abuser. Your parents back then. And B now. They are the ones you really need to free yourself from, on the long run. You need to free yourself from their toxic influence, from their grip on you.

On the short run, you should of course try to mitigate the impact the abuser has on you (even if it means playing along, pretending to be kind until you e.g. get your laptop back). However, on the long run you shouldn’t be their easy prey. You shouldn’t be in agony about their false accusations. You shouldn’t believe them when they tell you you are a bad person.

So the goal would be to liberate yourself from their influence. And for that, you need healing.

Lol you sound like you are saying that I am the problem only 99% of the time but there is the remaining 1% where I am not the problem.

Haha true 🙂 But I said it because you had the feeling that ALL of your interactions are a failure and that you inevitably hurt people (or at least people you care about). So I gave you my honest feedback that in this particular interaction, with Anita, I don’t believe you said hurtful things. So that’s at least one example where your false belief is not true.

But I understand what you are saying. I will work on changing my core beliefs, but it is difficult when the way others behave towards me strengthens my core beliefs. But thank you for your help.

You are welcome. The thing is that having this false core belief is a self-fulfilling prophecy: because you will be attracted to people who have no empathy and understanding for you (people similar to your parents) and you’ll be trying to prove to them that you are lovable.

That’s what you’ve been doing with B. She is a bully, like your parents, and that’s why you were so eager to prove it to her that you are a good person. A person worthy of love.

You stopped wanting to prove it to your parents, but you needed her to believe it, to confirm it to you, because that’s what we do in romantic relationships (before we heal): we are trying to get what we haven’t received from our parents, in our childhood.

You actually expressed it perfectly here:

She is the only person that I wanted to correct. The only person I wanted to understand. I don’t care about anyone else, my parents, family, friend etc. SHE IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND HER MISTAKES SO SHE CAN CORRECT THEM BECAUSE I WANTED TO LOVE HER WITHOUT HER CAUSING ME MORE PAIN.

See? You didn’t care about proving that you are lovable to your parents. Instead, you transferred all that longing – that super strong need – on her. That’s your unmet childhood need right here: to be seen as a good person, worthy of love.

But she never met that need of yours, she never acknowledged that you are a good person. On the contrary, she kept falsely accusing you and guilt tripping you, just like your parents did. She was deepening your core wound, instead of healing it.

she keeps hitting my ego when she keeps making false accusations which then gives me the urge to fight her and prove to her how wrong she is.

She actually keeps hurting your inner child. She keeps telling you that you are bad and unlovable. And then your ego, which is trying to protect your inner child, is fighting back. But no matter what you say, she will never admit that you are indeed a good person. And so, your inner child never gets that need met. You remain the bad guy in her eyes.

And so your inner child – who is looking to her and only her to heal him – gets stranded again. Get stabbed once again. Sinking deeper and deeper into depression.

Your ego is doing you a disservice here. Because you are looking to get what you need from her. And she – being the person that she is – is never going to give it to you.

So you’d need to stop wanting it from her. You would need to give it to yourself: your adult self to your inner child.

Therapy can be a great help in that process – to strengthen your capacity to love yourself.