Dear Tee,

I am pretty sure she didn’t tell the Spanish dude the details of what exactly happened but she probably gave a summary. She probably said it to make me feel guilty, but it doesn’t sound completely made up to me, cause based on the type of behavior she has described from him, I am not amazed that a 70 year old man has the logic of a spoiled teenager. But don’t worry, B got a taste of her own medicine when there was an altercation at the resort and the Spanish dude said it was B’s fault even though B didn’t do anything.

“It’s easy for her to paint you as the villain – she simply omits important details, adds a few invented ones, and voila – here is her version of reality, in which you are the villain. I can totally see how she did the same after talking to your guy friend.” When I read her rant to her best friend, I was infuriated enough to message the girl myself to tell her that she shouldn’t be believing everything B says blindly. B saw the msg and she started calling me a psychopath and etc and told me to delete the msg and never msg her friends again cause it is insane. As for my guy friend, even thought B would appear to just be twisting the truth, I don’t want to give him the benefit of the doubt, cause this is not the first time he went behind my back to do something like this, which I already explained. So if he was able to do something behind my back once, what’s going to stop him from doing it again?

“So why wasn’t his wife with him, if he is severely ill and possibly going to die?” Apparently they had some kind of mutual agreement? He is doing a bucket list or something? It is very confusing what his deal is.

“No, but it’s not your duty to provide it for her. In fact, she can ask her old rich guy friend to give her money for a laptop, if he is already so “supportive.” Can’t, the altercation at the resort caused them to stop talking. She got a taste of her own medicine, cause he started treating her the same way she was treating me regarding the arguments (shutting her down when she tries to explain, narrow mindedness, misunderstandings etc).

“Actually, you could give her a deadline by which time you expect her to give the laptop back, and if she doesn’t, you can say you’ll be forced to contact the authorities.” Tee, she has been with me for more than a year. She knows that it is a bluff because she knows that I won’t do anything unfair.

 “Was that when she broke up with you because she couldn’t reach you on the phone?” Yes, and this dude talked to me acting like he had no idea what was going on between me and her, and when I realized he was aware the entire time, I confronted him and he said that he pretended like he didn’t know so that I get a chance to explain my perspective of things without having a biased opinion.

“Did he explain why he told her you might be cheating?” Nope. He didn’t explain at all.

“Maybe he doesn’t like her, and that’s why he said something he knew will piss her off?” Unlikely, because he always stated that he expected us to stay together for years cause of how much love we had for each other (the love I had for her).

“But okay, perhaps he didn’t have to tell her that he knows.” The issue is that she had asked me multiple times about what I told my guy friend and I kept lying to her that I didn’t tell him much, so finding out that I told him the full truth now paints me as a “pathological liar” and etc. But it is kind of ironic that she lied to my face multiple times about the guy who was removing her braids and now she is getting a taste of my medicine but I am still the villain.

“It seems to me he really dislikes her (can’t blame him) and I guess he gets upset with her, and then tells her even the things that are better not to share.” Hard to tell since he barely gets himself involved in matters like this.

“However, tell him that she will use every information he gives her against you, and that’s why it’s better not to share anything with her.” The issue regarding this is that B kind of tricked him into sharing information with her cause she had exported my entire chat with him. Since most conversations were incomplete continuations of face to face conversations, it lead to her overthinking and misunderstanding the context behind some of the conversations, and by pretending to know everything, she tricked my guy friend into spilling the beans. So I understand that he was tricked, but why the hell did he call her FIRST???? That is quite suspicious and weird to me. But in the end I forgave him, but I don’t think I will trust him regarding things like this in the future.

“And he would also need to stop “defending” you by being mean to her (if that’s what he’s been doing), because that will only infuriate her more.” Definitely not what he is doing. Like I said, he barely gets himself involved in such matters. It doesn’t matter anymore since the fighting with B has reached temporary tranquility for now and we are in the phase of moving on.

“Did you know that therapists for example are legally obliged to inform the authorities if someone is seriously considering suicide (or homicide)?” Tee, it was literally a 10 minute conversation that happened like one time. There is not enough information about me for her to assume that I would indeed kill myself when I CLEARLY STATED THAT I WOULDN’T. “In every other case the therapist must respect the client’s confidentiality, but not if there are serious indications that they might harm themselves or someone else.” SERIOUS INDICATION is the key word here. U cannot get any SERIOUS INDICATION from a 10 minute conversation that I had on a random day. A lot of people randomly state crazy things, even as jokes. Do you see people reporting them all the time for these random claims? There are a lot of people who simply says “I will kill you” out of anger but without actual SERIOUS INDICATION, people don’t usually report it because they understand that the person said what they said out of anger and not cause they meant it. Based on her logic, if I had joked about bombing the school or something, she would have probably called the swat team on me before the end of the day.

What makes her actions even more pointless is that the church still did NOTHING other than tell my parents, despite telling her that my OWN PARENTS are the cause of my suffering. So really, the best thing she could have done was to keep her mouth shut.

I am back at my parents’ place, and it has not even been one week yet and my dad is already pissing me off. Shutting down all my attempts to express my issues, telling me to suck it up and be a man. Saying that I never learn my lesson and I am a pig because no matter how many times you bathe a pig, they will run right back into the mud. But I am not amazed though, cause he is not the only dad who says these kinds of things to their kids, especially the sons. It is quite common in our community, which made me realize that I will never be the son-in-law that most fathers look for. Fortunately I am going back to college tomorrow but I still have to endure an hour long call every single day. Everyone has shoved me into this small corner and then they wonder why I am stuck in this corner. Don’t even have the courage to ask a girl out cause of the constant reminder that she is better off without a loser like me, even if she answered yes.

“The thing is that having this false core belief is a self-fulfilling prophecy: because you will be attracted to people who have no empathy and understanding for you (people similar to your parents) and you’ll be trying to prove to them that you are lovable.” Yea I will work on that. But I am not sure how I can find people who have some empathy for me when they all push me away anyway.

“See? You didn’t care about proving that you are lovable to your parents. Instead, you transferred all that longing – that super strong need – on her.” Maybe it is better if I just stay away from everyone all together so I don’t end up repeating my mistake by falling in love with the wrong girl again.

I will try to work on healing myself. We will see how it goes. But I have a feeling I will never be fully healed. But thank you for ur advice.

Paradoxy