Hi Tee,

I was impluseless lately. I’m rather being than doing.

In what sense were you intense?

I’m not shure, I have to ask her. I imagine needing a lot of attention.

Well, I always tried to console my mother, i.e. explain why she shouldn’t be so negative, why things are not so bad as she sees them (and I never succeeded). But that was already when I was an adolescent and in my early 20s. As a child, I wanted approval, I was a good kid, a good pupil. But I never got approval, e.g. I was never praised for my good grades. Instead, I was scolded if I got a B instead of an A. So I was supposed to be perfect.

I hear that you got the information when there was something to improve at school. Your parents did not let you know that and in your twenties you confronted your parents and you didn’t find a way to show them that there are different ways to look at situations.

Do you remember at least something from your childhood? Do you remember more from your teenage years?

The answer to the question is dependent on what I expect to remember. Like when I think at my childhood I get maybe straight away 2-3 situations. In 4 Minutes I get like 8 situations, I remember. I remember more from my teenage years. How much do you remember?

Okay, so when you feel vulnerable, you don’t have the compulsion to please her, to “console” her, to make her less sad, right? Because I am guessing (based on what you said about her earlier) that she tends to complain a lot and would like to receive sympathy from you. And she would “get high” on it, i.e. it would only confirm her martyr stance, right? But you don’t want to take part in that game of her playing the martyr, and so you are cold with her. You are not giving her sympathy, right?

Mhh, I think she did not complain to me in a direct way. It would rather be that it’s kinda dependent if the kitchen is in order and that I needed to do what she said else she could loose it. Like she needs an illusion of control. I just had a similar situation with her lately. Where she would say I need to do something right now! And I couldn’t do it. I’d just sat and looked at her. I’d have needed to hear her feelings to understand why it was so important and needed to be done right now. I did not understand. She said sorry after and I told her that in a case of emergency I need more information. I can’t take it if it’s being pushed around.

When you say that as a child you were strong for her, maybe it means that you didn’t want to express your own sadness or upset, not to bother her with it? Because she was burdened with her own stuff anyway. Maybe that’s when you rather smashed the window, or hit your own head, or got in tension with your younger brother?

Mhh, I eventually did express feeling hopeless. I was struggling at School. I was sent in my room for something when I smashed the window. Or I remember breaking some expensive things I got as a present.

So she wasn’t able to meet your emotional needs, and then you suppressed those needs in front of her, but then acted out in different ways, like smashing the window, having tension with your brother and suchlike. Is that what happened?

Mhh, maybe suppressed or I think I rather played a similar game. My dad and brother are more black and white and colder.

It’s a different level. Being kind to a stranger in the park is not the same as opening up to someone in all your vulnerability. In that sense it is “superficial”. But it is serving a purpose of you being true to yourself and doing acts of kindness – something that your heart is telling you to do. As you say, it’s honest and authentic. So it counts. But it’s a different level, of course.

Thanks for the word <3

Yes, it seems they couldn’t provide that emotional support for you. Perhaps they weren’t abusive (e.g. criticizing you harshly, or shaming you and humiliating you), but they simply didn’t pay attention to your emotional needs. So yeah, it would be emotional neglect.

Yes and they didn’t know how they feel themselves.

What do you think about daydreaming or imagine future situations, feelings are often included?