Hey Beni,

I have been trying to understand the dynamic with your mother, and so far my impression was that she used you to meet her emotional needs, because that’s what you said in the beginning of your thread:

[I asked you this] So she maybe used you to meet her emotional needs, because her husband was emotionally unavailable? (Perhaps she complained to you about your father or other problems in her life?) That can put a big stress on the child, because the roles are reversed, and instead of meeting our emotional needs, the parent expects us to meet their emotional needs, which we as a child are totally unable to.

[You replied this] Yes, I belief this is it. I met her a week ago and I saw it in her eyes.

In your latest post you say she didn’t complain to you directly:

I think she did not complain to me in a direct way. It would rather be that it’s kinda dependent if the kitchen is in order and that I needed to do what she said else she could loose it. Like she needs an illusion of control.

From this, it more seems like she complained about you, i.e. was displeased with you, when you didn’t clean the kitchen or didn’t do what she told you to do? And then she would “lose it”, you say.

Does it mean she would get angry with you, start yelling etc? Or she would start pitying herself, saying something like “No one ever helps me around here. Why can’t you do what I’ve asked you to? Why is everybody so ungrateful when I am doing so much for this family?”

Or perhaps both? Maybe she would be angry that you didn’t do what she told you to do, and then she would start pitying herself, complaining about her life, perhaps about being disrespected and not cared about by you (and your father and brother)?

Because my mother was like that – she was strict with me and expected obedience (and I was mostly obedient), but still, in my puberty and adolescence I wasn’t too eager to help in the household. So she would use that to criticize me and then to present herself as a martyr. In fact, she would use every opportunity to pity herself and blame someone for her misery, because she always had complaints about other people, specially about me, my father and my father’s side of the family.

Like she needs an illusion of control.

My mother too, she liked to boss me and my father around. She was strict and behaved a little bit like a tyrant within our small family. But to the rest of the world, she presented herself like a meek, nice woman. But within our four walls, she definitely was abusing power.

I wonder if your mother was abusing power with you, but perhaps was weak with your father?

My father was a people pleaser, so she could do that with him. But you said that your father was more black-and-white and colder (My dad and brother are more black and white and colder). Perhaps that means that he didn’t really care about her complaints and didn’t try to please her? (and that your brother is similar?)

I just had a similar situation with her lately. Where she would say I need to do something right now! And I couldn’t do it. I’d just sat and looked at her. I’d have needed to hear her feelings to understand why it was so important and needed to be done right now. I did not understand. She said sorry after and I told her that in a case of emergency I need more information. I can’t take it if it’s being pushed around.

I understand. You don’t want to be bossed around. Perhaps you were bossed around as a child, and sometimes you tolerated it (because you wanted to please your mother), but at other times you disobeyed and smashed something, hit your own head, etc. Was that the dynamic between you and your mother?

It’s good that you can now say No to her bossing you around, and that she actually apologized for treating you like that. So it seems that she is getting more insight into her behavior and that therapy is actually helping her…

You also said in the beginning of your thread:

I’d reject my mothers kisses and hugs.

I wonder if she was eager to give you hugs and kisses when you were well behaved, when you were a “good boy” and did everything she told you to? But maybe you felt those were conditional, because she didn’t really care about you and your emotional needs? She only liked you when you were obedient?

What do you think about daydreaming or imagine future situations, feelings are often included?

Well, I know daydreaming can be maladaptive, like when we do it to escape our painful reality (because in that imagined future we feel good, we feel loved, and so we escape our grim emotions).

But imagining future situations – e.g. envisioning what you would like your future to look like – can also be a good thing. If it’s not an escape, but something you actually believe you can achieve.

Thanks for the word <3

You are welcome! <3