Hi Tee,

How is your back?

So far you haven’t talked about your father too much. How was he involved? Was he the one who sent you to your room when you were misbehaving?

Yeah, in my Memory yes. Mhh, my Dad was in Hospital as a child for one week and his mom couldn’t see him. I think that created some kind of void and he needs my mom and his job for it and my mom needs my dad. I think it’s about counterwil that when your personality is loose in a sense of a people pleaser can bend himself to please you maybe cope with someone solid to orient yourself.

My Dad is really good at making material presents. He can’t really say how he feels. Lately he said he was depressed for a decade in his 40ies. He would just say he’s alright all the time. My mom would always want to know how our day was or his day at work and we did not really wanna answer. It didn’t feel right. It was/is often a too open a question and doesn’t feel save to reply. It’s in someway food for something unwholesome. When you don’t listen but project yourself on the reply it can be painful to the replier.

My father was a people pleaser and basically, my mother’s enabler. He himself hasn’t abused me, but he didn’t do much to protect me from her criticism and harsh treatment. And he always tried to appease her, so to maintain the “peace” in the family.

Like he enabled by letting it happen? Appease mens to pretend everything is alright even if it isn’t?

I never had prejudice against men, though I didn’t like men who resembled (physically) to my father.

Luckily, I found a good husband and we have been happily married for many years now, although we did have our ups and downs. But our relationship grew and got stronger over time. So I am pretty happy with that aspect of my life.

Feels good to hear!

Interesting. So when imagining it, you feel good about it in the moment, but then you feel that you sort of “ticked the box” and you actually let go of that dream?

Yeah, it seems to be some way of coping with something.

You don’t engage it any more?

Yeah, I’m kinda over it. I learned the past year that if it happens I need to let go of it.

So sometimes you try to imagine your future, but you feel without perspective? Does it mean that nothing comes up that would excite you as your possible future?

When I say future here I mean the present future. I think it could be called black out. When you wanna meet a need but you do not know any strategy. No person you could meet. There is not much exciting then. I don’t enjoi it much but actually I’m present then and the mind is calm.

It seems that sometimes there is a certain burden and heaviness when you try to envision your future. It feels easier not to envision anything, but to only focus on the present moment, because staying in the now feels peaceful and grounded. Is that what you’re saying?

Yes, it seems to be wholesome to envision but it actually often isn’t.

What do you consider to be your higher needs?

If there is no external motivation I do it for myself.