Dear Paradoxy,

I haven’t responded to the first part of your post, where you talk about your feeling of loneliness and not being understood, first by your parents, and then by other adults, such as your teachers, church men and other parents.

I want to say I am sorry for the pain you went through, and especially that you had to go through it alone.

They said it was my fault that I am alone and my fault for failing to make friends.

When you complained to your parents about being rejected by other kids, they blamed you. When you started feeling depressed about it, they summoned other parents to lecture you:

I was lectured saying that my way of thinking is wrong and I should just change my mindset like the flip of a switch and etc. I had become a pessimist after going through so much cause it was the only way I could prepare myself for whatever experience life decided to throw at me.

School teachers blamed you too for not hanging out with other students:

My school teachers told my mom that I was a quiet and reserved student but they expected better from me due to the “potential” I was wasting and etc. They have noticed that I wander around the school and have seen my sitting by myself away from the other kids and they think it is my fault for not engaging with other kids. They told me that I should grow up and act more mature for my age cause depression and pain is just a state of mind and not real.

They also told your mother that depression is “not real” and that you should snap out of it, basically. Without offering any psychological help for you.

The Church leaders lectured you too, telling you to follow the path your father has chosen for you. They minimized your mental/emotional problems and said you should get your act together, because you are a man:

The Church men said similar things too, that I should follow the path my father has chosen for me cause it gurantees a good future for me and I shouldn’t continue the way that I am acting because it is not mature for my age and that a lot of people are experiencing much worse in life and they do not complain and so I should just endure whatever emotional/mental issue I am having and move forward because that is what a man does and etc.

Unfortunately, all adults that you interacted with, including your school teachers, failed to provide support for you. Instead, they blamed you – the child – for having psychological issues. It wasn’t only your parents, but the entire system you grew up in. They all showed a complete disregard and ignorance about children’s mental health issues, as well as emotional needs of children.

It is very clear to me that your emotional needs weren’t met, and that’s why you felt unloved and like a burden to your parents. I am pretty sure that it is because of the same reasons – of feeling unloved and rejected by your parents – that you later felt rejected by your peers too:

THEY DON’T WANT ME AROUND

That’s because the false belief was already formed in your subconscious (the false belief being “I am unlovable” and “I am a burden”). And this false belief served as a self-fulfilling prophecy and brought about situations where you ended up feeling rejected by your peers all the time.

It all stems from the basic message that your parents gave you: “you are unlovable as you are”. “You are a burden to us.”

Everything that you’ve experienced later is the consequence of that false foundation, which your “house” (i.e. your sense of identity) was built on.

I do understand you and where your problems are coming from. And I’ve been trying to explain that mechanism to you. But you don’t seem to accept that explanation. You keep blaming yourself, claiming that you would have turned out the same even if you had more loving parents, or that everybody around you (all adults) are the same and that you wouldn’t be a good enough son-in-law for anybody etc.

I was trying to tell you that the system you are trying to fit in is corrupt, and that you don’t need to try to fit in. But you keep making excuses for the system, saying that these practices are widespread: “almost every Asian family does this same thing”, “A LOT of families still work with this ideology”, “OTHER PARENTS SHARED THE SAME GOAL AS THEM”.

Basically, what you are saying is that emotional abuse is normal in your community, or your social circle. However, it doesn’t make it less problematic, or less harmful. Because even if it’s normal, it is NOT HEALTHY. It is not a system in which a person could really thrive and be happy. It is a system based on suppressing our true self and our true needs.

So you would need to decide: do you want to keep defending the distorted system that caused you great emotional harm and suffering, or you want to start focusing on healing from that system?