Dear Paradoxy,

I wasn’t expecting compassion or pity from her. I just wanted her to understand HER FLAWS. Not understand MY ISSUES. I wanted her to FIX HERSELF. I wanted HER to IMPROVE, so that she would become the PERFECT WOMAN for me. That is completely unrelated to my unmet need because if that was the case, I would be trying to make her understand MY ISSUES and sympathize with ME. Instead I tried to CORRECT HER. I wanted to FIX HER.  I wanted to sympathize with HER and keep correcting her when she misunderstands things about me like assuming that I was cheating and etc, cause these misunderstandings were the core reasoning behind her foolish decisions.

Yes, you wanted her to become a better person. But why? So that she wouldn’t hurt you anymore. You said it here:

SHE IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND HER MISTAKES SO SHE CAN CORRECT THEM BECAUSE I WANTED TO LOVE HER WITHOUT HER CAUSING ME MORE PAIN

You wanted her to understand that she is hurting you with her actions, didn’t you?

You also didn’t want to be falsely accused by her and made seem like an abuser:

I don’t like the feeling of being made to look like the abuser while she pretends to be the victim.

You confirmed that you kept fighting with her even after the breakup because you wanted to prove to her that you are a good person, with good intentions:

[my question] Okay, so you are aware that she is like a snake, but you still have the urge to prove it to her that you didn’t deserve to be bitten – that you are a good person, right?

[your reply] Yes that is precisely it. But I think I am doing it for myself too. Because the things she say makes me question myself and doubt my intentions when making decisions. Proving her wrong gives me some form of inner peace. I want to prove that my intentions were pure, even if some of my decisions were poorly made.

[my question] So the dynamic is: one part of you (your inner child) believes he is a source of pain for others. And he is trying to prove that he isn’t. He is trying to prove that he is a good, loving boy, with pure intentions, and that he doesn’t want to hurt anybody.

[your reply] Yes that is precisely what is happening. I never wanted to hurt anyone. But talking to B is reminding me of all the persons who looked down on me, the list is not limited to the stories that I have told you about my past cause other small incidents occurred that doesn’t have a major impact but it still ended the same way as everyone else. Even with the case with Anita, it was not my intention to hurt her, but in the end that is what I did and I am to be blamed for that.

So a lot of your arguments were about you trying to prove to her that you are a good person, not an abuser. It was you trying to make her understand YOU, make her have empathy for YOU.

You felt like a bad person, a person who causes others pain. And when she would accuse you of being a bad person with her too, you wanted to prove that she is not right (“I never wanted to hurt anyone. But talking to B is reminding me of all the persons who looked down on me”).

That’s why I said that your endless arguing with her was motivated by you attempting to prove something about YOURSELF (that you are a good person, who doesn’t want to cause others pain).

It wasn’t just an attempt to change her, as you are claiming now. And even your attempt to change her was so that she wouldn’t cause you pain with her actions. You needed her to understand that she was causing you pain. Something your parents never understood and never had interest in understanding.

That’s why I believe (and you actually confirmed it in your earlier posts) that you staying with her for so long, engaging in endless arguments to prove your point, was very much about meeting your own need: the need to prove that you are a good and loving person. The need to prove your innocence, i.e. good intentions.

And the need to explain to her that she was causing you pain. Which is in fact the need for her to empathize with you.