Dear Paradoxy,

Stop putting words in my mouth cause I never said that a woman’s role is to give birth and take care of children and that the man’s role is to make all the important decisions, cause that is not true. Both of them are supposed to work together as the man take the responsibility of leading.

I was not referring to the patriarchial system but if my words are not getting through to u, there is nothing I can do.

Dear Paradoxy, you have described a patriarchal system to a tee, as well as exemplified a stance of superiority over women so many times in your posts. These are just some of the things you said about women:

The women these days are becoming more entitled and feministic. They are not wife material.

She displayed all the characteristics that I was looking for in a good wife, excluding the stupid things that most woman do, like overthinking and not listening etc, which I did not mind cause I knew it was normal for women.

You believed you possessed a superior wisdom:

Her parents did not take care of her well and so it was her aunt who actually took care of her so that would explain why she is so stupid. But even then, I always told her that if she is unsure, she could ask me for any advice as my father’s wisdom was passed down to me over the years that he taught me.

You also attempted to impart that wisdom on her, by teaching her how to properly behave, as if she, a 24-year old educated woman, who in addition reads her Bible every day, doesn’t know what is prudent and not so prudent behavior.

When she repeatedly refused to follow your guidance on proper behavior, you believed that she was intellectually impaired, i.e. stupid and oblivious, rather than someone who was sly and manipulative and pretended to agree with you even when she didn’t:

The number of times she has made poor decisions and the number of times we have argued over the same point AFTER AGREEING WITH ME made me just come to the conclusion that she is not thinking.

And why have you concluded that she was not thinking? Because that’s what you were taught to believe about women: that they are not thinking.

Next, here is your description of the patriarchal system, which you claim is not patriarchal:

The family should be following the father as he would be taking the responsibility of the leader that carries the foundation of the home while the mother keeps the home intact from the inside.

The man is technically supposed to be a leading figure.

Both of them are supposed to work together as the man take the responsibility of leading.

I am not fit to be a son-in-law because most fathers want a son that is mature and man enough to handle the responsibility of being the man of the house. And that is a huge responsibility, and requires leadership skills, which I definitely lack due to my lack of confidence due to my poor mental and emotional health. I need a certain level of wisdom to understand how to handle the responsibilities of being the man of the house. Being the man of the house also requires me to ignore my emotions when taking responsibilities.

So you portray the woman as someone to keep the home intact, and the man as the leader. What does a leader do? Makes decisions, tells the rest of the family (including his wife) what to do. His word is the last. So when you say “the man takes the responsibility of leading”, you are describing the patriarchal system – even as you are denying it.

Anyway, I am not interested in arguing with you. My only motivation for engaging in a conversation with you was to help you. Because you came here confused, not knowing what to do and emotionally exhausted, after having been in a state of turmoil since January this year.

There was a time in our conversation when you seemed interested in getting a different perspective – a perspective that might explain why you feel the way you feel, and that might help you heal your emotional wounds and make better choices in the future (including the choice of a romantic partner).

But it seems that right now, you are not interested in that, but rather in arguing and proving your point.

My impression is that at the moment you are not willing to get to the root of the problem, because it might be painful for your inner child. And that’s why you took a defensive stance, where you argue one of my main points: of needing to heal your emotional wounds from childhood. Because if you acknowledged it, you would need to look deeper into it, and it is scary.

Right now you are in a defensive mode, and nothing I say can reach you.

So I will say goodbye now, hoping that with time, your stance will change, and that you will choose to actually heal those painful parts, rather than denying that they exist.

I wish you well, Paradoxy, and till perhaps another time, Godspeed!