Dear Paradoxy,

She is not gaslighting because she did care for me regarding the physical aspect but failed in the emotional and mental aspect.

Well, she said she always noticed when you felt upset:

My mom… started lecturing me that I should be more caring and stuff and how she always cared about me whenever I looked upset.

Upset is not the same as feeling tired, sleep deprived, or undernourished:

she was caring regarding the physical aspect. She noticed when I was tired, she noticed when I was sleep deprived, she saw how weak I looked from days I went without eating to focus on studying while I was in college,

Since she is claiming she would notice your upset – which is not a physical, but an emotional  state – she is indeed gaslighting you. Besides, she told you that you humiliated them when she learned about your suicide attempt. That’s how emotionally “supportive” and “tuned in” she was.

I don’t blame her though but the audacity to say that she noticed whenever I was unwell is just pissing me off.

Well, sure, you don’t blame them for anything. Even if they’ve hurt you. And they’ve hurt you in two ways: first, when they didn’t notice anything beyond your physical health, and second, when they claimed they cared for you, even if they didn’t care about your emotional health one bit. So, first they’ve hurt you, then they claimed they didn’t. That’s a definition of gaslighting.

My father also sucks up his own problems.

So basically, in their eyes, nothing of my issues are worth me complaining about.

Sure, because in their eyes, only physical issues and illnesses are worth complaining about. And since you are still young and healthy, why indeed would you complain about a single thing? You must be an idiot if you do (says your father).

Yes I see that but I also realized that my parents are right about me being an idiot.

First, you are not an idiot for sometimes being absent-minded, or forgetting something, or making a mistake. You are simply human who is making mistakes, like other humans. But when they raise you with a belief that you are an idiot, that that’s your identity, i.e. that something is fundamentally wrong with you – that’s what’s horribly damaging. And they raised you like that.

That’s what you believe about yourself: that something is fundamentally wrong with you. And that’s what all children (and later adults) who were emotionally abused believe about themselves. Until they start healing and reverting those damaging core beliefs.

So technically my parents were right about me being an idiot. So now what? Can’t really say that my parents are wrong about me now….

You are not an idiot –  not now, not before. You make mistakes, like we all do. But you, Paradoxy, don’t want to accept it: you fell for their false view of you: that you are an idiot. That you are not good enough. You fell for that false identity. In other words, you accepted a lie.

Yesterday I came across these verses, which I think describe very well what happened to you (and to me too, until I’ve started healing):

Don’t break a bird’s wings and then tell it to fly.

Don’t break a heart and then tell it to love.

Don’t break a soul and then tell it to be happy.

Author: Najwa Zebian, from her book “Mind Platter”