Dear Meatball:

June 2: ” We were set to leave for a vacation in a couple days.  It won’t be easy but I’m still going WITHOUT her.  I’ve asked her to be out by the time I get back.“- you are set to leave for a vacation tomorrow, June 4. Two days ago, you told her that you will be going on vacation without her, and that she should be out by the time you are back. It is possible that by this time, 21 hours after you posted, she talked you into leaving on vacation with her… And that she will not be out of your house by the time you (and her) return from vacation.

It’s possible because of (1) your anxious attachment style and codependency, (2) she has no money/ credit to rent her own place and no one to take her in, (3) it’s been a pattern: “I know it has to end, but I’m so emotional and… I don’t want to live without her (and daughter) in my life. One day I’m crying all day and the next day I’m OK boxing up more things” (April 28).

You wanted to help and rescue another  damsel in distress, didn’t you? (“most of my relationships and most women I have had relationships with have been ‘broken’ and in need of ‘fixing’“), thinking that if you provide for her a stable home, rent/ expense free, following her chaotic childhood (“she was moving around house to house, state to state…“), she’d appreciate you and the stability you offer her,  and treat you with the love and respect forevermore..?

Problem is that when you met her, she was 34, not the child that she was 20-30 earlier. You met a woman with established mental-emotional and behavioral habits that are not congruent with a stable relationship. The chaotic events of her childhood transferred to chaos in her mind, heart and relationships.

“”I’ve been Mr. nice guy and have always put her needs above mine, this is what I needed to finally get it thru my thick scull that I deserve so much more and need to find someone that actually WANTS to be with me. I’m MAD and SAD, probably more mad at myself for being a doormat and always believing her“- please be kind to the anxious and codependent part of you, make your mental-emotional health your No 1 priority.

anita