Hi SereneWolf,

I hope your health is getting better?

thanks, yes, my knee is getting better, so things are manageable again, and I am really grateful. (praying hands emoji 🙂 )

Obviously bucket list includes the Worldwide places. Mainly Europe and Southeast Asia though. Some South America and few places in USA.

Cool! Wow, there will be a lot of traveling then. And all while you are working fully remotely, right?

Yes like I said intentions matters. And I’m not travelling just for casual sex.

Okay, so that’s your guiding star, or your measuring rod: intention. So what is the main intention of your travels? You said it is to find your true self:

During the journey my work wouldn’t be finding love, but try to find my own self. Enjoy the mother nature. Be in the present and know that I’m part of this big ever-changing universe.

People usually go on a self-discovery journey when they don’t know what they want in life, what their values are, what is really important to them, what path forward to take… If there is a major confusion about themselves and what they want from life. Do you feel you are in the similar position? Or you actually want to live your values – which you already know what they are: freedom, adventure, enjoying Mother Nature, being one with the universe?

So perhaps this is not a self-discovery journey for you, but a self-affirming journey? Affirming your True Self, and living from it?

In any case, if you want to live from from your True Self, I guess it would make sense to also work on removing obstacles on being your True Self in intimate relationships. Because that’s where the fear kicks in. Not in the jungle, in a close encounter with a lion, or on an unknown road, miles away from home… but in intimate relationships, with someone who should be so close and so familiar, and yet, they represent a threat…

Like if I met some girl during my journey we hit it off at first, We kinda start dating and explore places together might even physically involved. But after sometime I’d find out that I’m still not feeling that connection & warmth with her as I’d like in a relationship even If I don’t let my fear of intimacy come in between. In that case what I’d do? Force the connection? Or just appreciate moments with her and move on?

Well, if you don’t sabotage the relationship (due to fear) but really give it a try, and then it turns out you two are not a good match, then of course, you don’t need to stay with her. You don’t need to force yourself to be with someone who isn’t your match.

and In that case physical involvement would described as casual sex?

I think it depends on your intention – whether you only wanted to fool around with the girl, or you had serious intentions but things didn’t work out. When I say “serious intentions”, I mean you want a committed relationship, you are not afraid of it. I don’t mean you need to marry the girl, but you’d need to be willing to be in a long-term, committed relationship.

If you haven’t healed your fear of intimacy, then I think you per definition can’t have “serious intentions”. And if you get involved with a girl, it would be primarily for fun and some short-term pleasure, in which case I think it could be called casual sex, yes.

Yes that’s what I’m thinking! Like I believe she will make attached to her yet it would feel so natural. It wouldn’t feel like I’m giving her the control to hurt.

Yes, and this is a great insight: that you associate being attached to someone with giving them to right to hurt you. That’s a false belief, and probably one of your core false beliefs. Great job detecting it! 🙂

But more like here’s my lil heart I trust you to take care of it and there would be no fear. Just thinking about making me go full of joy haha

Again, a great observation: that trust is needed to counter the fear. But also, you need one more thing: you need to be able to protect your own heart – should you need it. So you don’t give a free reign to your partner to hurt you. If you notice some hurtful behaviors on her part, you react, you let her know, you express that you don’t like it. You set some boundaries.

In other words, you are not helpless in a relationship. You can protect yourself – should you need it.  But you enter the relationship trusting that the person has good intentions and doesn’t want to hurt you.

Of course, you don’t enter a relationship blindly, you do use your discernment (like you did now, with this latest girl). But you also trust, if things feel right. You are not so guarded that at the first sign of disagreement, you pull up your walls and go into a defense mode.

So you need a fine balance: to have discernment, but also to trust. And then if there are problems, you talk about it, you express your needs and concerns, rather than suppressing it and pretending that things are fine.

If you do that, I think your fear will lessen. Because you 1) trust the girl that she doesn’t want to hurt you, and 2) trust yourself that you’ll be able to protect yourself should you need it. Which means that by staying in the relationship, you are not giving her permission to hurt you. So the control stays in your hands – because you can protect yourself from hurt if needed.

Thanks, and I’m not regretting it. Because I want to be around the woman who make me feel like yeah good woman do exist.

Good! Glad you didn’t lose hope! 🙂

I guess at that time I unconsciously just played around relationship game listening to one of my female friend. But I won’t make that mistake again

Yes, maybe her advice contributed to you playing games. But I guess your fear played a role too – you didn’t want to give an impression that you care too much…

Clear communication is very important in every relationship. Romantic or Friendship.

Yes, super important!

But to update you on that one nowadays I reduced my communication with friends a lot. And I only talk to one of my female friends who is quite younger than me so it kind of also helps because she make me remember my teenage days and what silly and fun things we used to do.

So she is helping you stay in touch with the adventurous kid in you, who used to encounter lions while riding his bike, huh? 🙂

Haha that’s what you think for my current “setting”? But yeah something similar I guess

I think so, yes. But it’s a good feature – to not rush into things. If it’s meant to be, it will be, without rushing it.

Yes exactly instead just being angry or using the silent treatment. Like I need to express what’s really bothering me.

Yes! That requires vulnerability too, and it didn’t occur to me until recently. That vulnerability is not only to admit that you like or care about somebody, but also that something they do bothers you, that you are hurt or upset about it.

Something very important! So does that mean even though I feel like I don’t need that person, Unconsciously just the fear of rejection or want for the acceptance makes me stop being vulnerable?

I actually stumbled upon a book because of the YT called Courage to be disliked it’s already on my reading list.

The Courage to be disliked. I like the title. Yeah, you might fear expressing yourself in front of various audiences, not necessarily only in romantic relationships. I remember you said you sometimes feel strong anger when talking to some judgmental people, but you don’t dare to say anything. You don’t dare to express your opinion, for fear of being judged. Or disliked. So yes, we need courage in those situations to still express our opinion, even if someone might not like it.

Understood.

Glad to hear it! 🙂

That’s very interesting and I think that’s also has to do something with naming our emotions? Because lot of times I would be feeling lot of different things at the same time so journaling and naming and then acknowledging those emotions?

Yeah, when we name our emotions, we use our rational brain, which enables us to observe ourselves and not get “lost” in the emotion. Not get overwhelmed. In that sense, naming our emotions helps us to remain cool-headed and not get hijacked by our emotions. It not only gives us clarity, but I think it’s also good for emotion regulation.

I also took an online CPTSD test again and the score is 38/80
0-32 = None-low
33-80 = Likelihood of CPTSD

So that would suggest pretty low likelihood of C-PTSD. I mean, pretty mild symptoms, right?

also checked again for ADHD test. It says Mild ADHD but I feel some of ADHD symptoms are quite bothersome

What are those symptoms?

I don’t really know much about ADHD, but there is a video by Gabor Mate, a trauma and addiction expert, who talks about ADHD being more a developmental problem than a medical/genetic problem. It might have to do with impulse control and emotion regulation. The title of the video, if you are interested, is: ADHD: The Misunderstood Condition (Eye-opening Insights on ADHD from Dr. Gabor Mate)

I’d like add to feeling my emotions, I’ve been rationalizing a lot, Like a tendency to disassociate myself a lot, whether through daydreaming or activities. So, I rationalize so much that I reach a point where I don’t know if my own rationalization is a way for me to disassociate too.

Actually, Gabor Mate talks about tuning out, as a coping mechanism for too much stress in childhood. When the child cannot either fight or flee, and the emotions are overwhelming, and there is no one to soothe/calm him down. And so the child tunes out and dissociates from their emotions.

And I think rationalization too can be a way to not feel, i.e. to dissociate. Because when we are thinking, our rational mind is active, and we are not in our limbic/feeling brain. So I imagine it can be a way to feel less.

And also, I have to try to understand much more how I have to feel, than what I’m feeling, because I don’t know what I’m feeling, so any conclusion of “which feelings makes more sense at this moment” would be my feeling right now.

Yeah, because you were not allowed to feel your spontaneous emotions, specially anger and sadness. You needed to behave and be a good boy. So your automatic reaction is to try to suppress the unpleasant emotion – rather than let it out and show it.

That’s how you lost a part of your authenticity too – I mean authenticity in relationships. Because you always need to be on guard and kind of monitor yourself to show a “proper” emotion, i.e. not to let out anything “improper”, right?

she mentioned that this kind of existential crisis that happens is a form of rationalizing — of having to make sense and rationalize my emotions by relating it to others

Yeah, it’s like the emotion needs to be acceptable to others, otherwise you don’t show it, and you perhaps try not to even feel it? For example, since your parents didn’t approve of your anger, you’ve learned to rationalize that it doesn’t make sense to feel angry, right? And why you shouldn’t feel angry in a particular situation. And I guess as you are trying to come up with the reasons why you shouldn’t feel angry, you start feeling the emotion less, i.e. dissociating from it.

she told me to feel my emotions when they come, and to not repress myself when I’m feeling upset because “it is better to feel yourself now than build unhealthy mechanisms and hurt yourself and others in the future” and I repressed myself for many many years as you know

Yes, that’s a good advice. To feel it, not immediately try to suppress it and rationalize it. Allow yourself to feel it – you are not a bad person for it.

So give yourself the permission to feel all your feelings, without judging them. Of course, you will still know how to control yourself in public, because you don’t want to overreact and make a scene. But you can acknowledge your emotions and later journal about them. Give them space, let them flow, because they are a part of your authentic self.