Dear Paradoxy,

No, I was talking about a COMMUNITY with the MAJORITY Indian population, not COUNTRY.

Okay I get it now. You were talking about the Indian community, where the majority is Hindu, and minority (like you and your family) is Christian or Muslim. However, it wasn’t very clear to me, specially when combined with “thousands of miles” of distance. So I thought: ok, Guyana (or Trinidad and Tobago, or Suriname) is about 1-1.5 thousand miles from Jamaica, so that might fit. So I did rush into a conclusion, but it was partly because you provided a misleading information about the distances.

And it is true, your words “wrong again” did trigger me, because I’ve experienced this dismissive, antagonistic style many times from you, and I don’t appreciate it at all. You frequently dismiss the things I say, argue, deny, reject my advice, explain why the things I suggest wouldn’t work for you etc etc.

Honestly, communicating with you is like hearing one big NO. One big rejection. And it hurts. It’s like being punched in the stomach. That’s why I sometimes delayed opening your posts, because I knew there is a high chance of being faced with another rejection, another explanation that I “misunderstood” and why my suggestions wouldn’t work or are even laughable.

All that done in a rather rude, dismissive manner, telling me things like “wrong again”, or “Do you not get it?”, as if I am some idiot who is not understanding you. When in reality, it is you who is changing position all the time – mostly portraying  yourself as someone with so many faults and hopeless to change anything, but when I tell you that you are complaining and are stuck in self-pity, then you suddenly portray yourself as strong, and “working on those issues. I just haven’t gotten past those things yet.”

But this what actually happened: When I tried to show you that you don’t lack intelligence, since you were one of the top students in your country, or that you don’t lack skills, since you said you have music skills, you proceeded to give more “proofs” about your lack of intelligence and skills, saying that you don’t even know the difference between veins and arteries and how awful you feel in classes:

Academically, I can’t even tell the difference between different parts of the specimen. I can’t even identify the difference between the veins and arteries. I know the theoretical part, but I can’t get the practical side at all. Imagine how stupid I feel having to sit in those labs while everyone else is answering the questions but I can’t. I even tried attending extra classes and even had a private session with the specimen and myself.

You also proceed to complain about your music skills:

Yes I have good music skills, but they are nothing in the eyes of other musicians. I may look good in front of non-musicians, but compared to my classmates in the music class, my scores were no where close. My sight reading skills are so poor that the teacher had to take me aside from the rest of the class to provide me with private training for it. And that skill is still poor, I barely improved it for the sake of passing the music exam. Fortunately it did not have a large impact on the final score, which is why I managed to get a distinction. I ended up sitting in my class watching as the other kids played difficult pieces while I had been practicing the same song for the past 5 years cause there was no better piece for me. AND EVEN THEN, they managed to play the song better than me. Imagine how pissed I was. So when I see all this “evidence” you can’t blame me for hating myself for the things I lack.

So when I tried to boost your confidence and tell you that it’s not true that you lack intelligence and skills, you proceeded to give more proofs that you do indeed lack intelligence and skills.

And now, you are claiming that you are not complaining, and that I used this information against you:

I am not complaining. I was just listing out the reasons for why I am so bothered because I thought you would understand. I was just adding more detail to why I feel this way so that you could understand me better. I didn’t know that my own words were going to be used against me like that

The truth is that you were complaining – you were listing further proofs why your original claim that you lack intelligence and skills is still true. You didn’t say something like “yeah I have some issues with understanding anatomy, but I am working on them”. Instead, you said “Imagine how stupid I feel having to sit in those labs while everyone else is answering the questions but I can’t.” Are those the words of someone who is hopeful and is working on issues?

So when I see all this “evidence” you can’t blame me for hating myself for the things I lack.

Are the above the words of someone who is hopeful and is working on issues? Or someone who is convinced that they have a reason (or many reasons) to hate themselves?

So I reject your accusation that I was using your words against you. I was just quoting your words to show you the discrepancy between your claim that your parents’ poor treatment made you stronger and your own words which show pessimism, self-blame and self-loathing (and lack of strength, indeed).

I am just worried rn cause it is crucial that I get past those issues.

I do hope you will get past your issues. I hope you believe that you can.