Dear Tee,

“You frequently dismiss the things I say, argue, deny, reject my advice, explain why the things I suggest wouldn’t work for you etc etc.” I was pretty sure I explained the reasons why some of ur suggestions won’t work. I didn’t ignore your advice. I simply stated that some of your advice won’t work in my situation. But there are some advice that I did accept, so don’t assume that I am just being stubborn without reason.

 “Honestly, communicating with you is like hearing one big NO. One big rejection. And it hurts. It’s like being punched in the stomach. That’s why I sometimes delayed opening your posts, because I knew there is a high chance of being faced with another rejection, another explanation that I “misunderstood” and why my suggestions wouldn’t work or are even laughable.” Yes I understand that. But sometimes that big No is the truth even if we hate it. Would you have preferred if I just played along and accepted your suggestions and pretended like it was helping me even when it does not? I am not saying that your advice is completely wrong. I said that your advice wouldn’t exactly work for my situation due to specific factors involving my life that affects it. You would have to LIVE my life and EXPERIENCE it to understand all the various factors that affect every situation. It is much easier to advise someone when you have not experienced the things they have. You are only able to understand my situation based on the things I have stated, and I can’t point out every single detail because there is a lot and I won’t remember all of the details at the time of writing the message. And when you advise me using the information you already know, I respond by adding specific details to the situation that make it seem like I am rejecting your advice. I have already acknowledged that you are right about my parents being the root of my issues regarding my low self-esteem, and that cycle is supported by the experiences I had with my peers. I am not defending them or anything, but I have to look at things from their perspective too. They are not even aware of the things they are doing, because they are treating me way better than their parents treated them and so they are satisfied with how things are. Besides, I don’t complain to them either, so they never saw my suffering, so they end up continuing the torture on me. Again I say to you, I am not defending them. I am simply looking at the situation from both sides: from the victim’s pov and the abuser’s pov. I have acknowledge their role in this mess, and I forgive them for it but I am not forgetting what they put me through. Besides we cannot change the past. What I can do right now is work on my healing. But the damage done has such a deep and strong root that it takes more than just a few suggestions to pull it out. When I respond to your suggestions by adding details, don’t assume that I am rejecting your advice out of spite, I am just letting you know the other factors that affect the situation. Like the fact that my parents will still maintain control of my life and my decisions no matter how far away I am. Like the fact that everyone will support my parents, and not me when I decide my own path, because they all run on the principle that parents are always right and children are wrong.

“All that done in a rather rude, dismissive manner, telling me things like “wrong again”, or “Do you not get it?”, as if I am some idiot who is not understanding you.” I understand how you feel, but don’t forget the number of times you misunderstood me due to some missing details. Just like how you get tired of advising me, I also get tired of always correcting the misunderstanding, especially when you are quick to assume that I am insulting you and rejecting your advice for no reason, when in fact that was not even my intention.

“When in reality, it is you who is changing position all the time – mostly portraying  yourself as someone with so many faults and hopeless to change anything, but when I tell you that you are complaining and are stuck in self-pity, then you suddenly portray yourself as strong, and “working on those issues. I just haven’t gotten past those things yet.” “ That is also a misunderstanding. A brave man is not brave cause he has no fears, it is because he still stands up despite being most scared person there. I am working on my issues, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have things I don’t worry about. I am working on my issues, but that doesn’t mean nothing bothers me, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have my faults. And when I tell you the things that bother me, I don’t want you to assume that I am complaining and self pitying, cause I could have chosen not to explain the details to you and just kept things to myself like I do to everyone else.

“When I tried to show you that you don’t lack intelligence, since you were one of the top students in your country, or that you don’t lack skills, since you said you have music skills, you proceeded to give more “proofs” about your lack of intelligence and skills, saying that you don’t even know the difference between veins and arteries and how awful you feel in classes” Yes exactly, I stated those proofs to show you that despite knowing that I am smart, that intelligence is not good enough when compared to other people. When you go for a job interview, they pick the best out of all the applicants, and not just based on who is smart, cause I am pretty damn sure that all the applicants are smart, but only the one with the most intelligence would be valued by society. That is what I worry about. I know that I am smart, but I am not smart enough. It is a fear. I am not complaining or self pitying. I am simply telling you my fear, cause I go into those labs and exams and see the questions and it scares me that I am finding it so difficult to answer the questions while the other students are breezing through it. THAT is what I am trying to explain to you. I could become a doctor by getting 50% on the exam, but the person who became a doctor with 90% score would be more valued by society. I am a piano player and musician, but when compared to others, my skills are not that great, and so if there was a concert or some place that required a musician, I would not be picked. That is a fear that I have. I am not complaining or asking you to pity me or anything. I am just listing out my fears, the things that bother me, please don’t misunderstand that. I stated all these things for you to UNDERSTAND how I feel. Me listing further proof should not be considered complaining.

“Are those the words of someone who is hopeful and is working on issues?” No it is not the words of someone who is hopeful and working on issues. But it is the words of someone who is desperately trying to convey the feelings and emotions that they go through on a daily basis. I am not complaining to you. I am asking you to understand that feeling of having to sit in class not knowing the answers, while everyone else are able to answer the questions freely. That feeling of being useless. That doubt that forms in your mind, making you wonder if medicine was the right choice. That doubt that forms, making you wonder whether you will be able to handle all of the work load. That is the feeling I was trying to convey to you. I was not complaining about it.

“Are the above the words of someone who is hopeful and is working on issues? Or someone who is convinced that they have a reason (or many reasons) to hate themselves?” No, It is the words of someone who is trying to convey the reasons why they feel the way they feel. Not because they want pity or they want to complain. But to know that someone understands that feeling. But someone like you can’t understand that unless you are actually put in that situation like I was. Having to sit there when your classmates look at you like an idiot, having to sit there and listen when your own group members say that you are useless, having to sit there as your own friends look down on you like a burden on them, having to sit there fearing that the teacher is going to pick on you, fearing of being humiliated in front of everyone for not knowing the answer. When you have been put in that situation countless times, you end up hating yourself. But that hate won’t stop me from continuing to work towards fixing myself. That hate I have towards my flaws don’t mean I will give up. Cause if I was going to give up, I would have kept up with my suicidal attempts and made sure I killed myself a long time ago. So don’t misunderstand, I was just stating the REASONS WHY I hate myself, I didn’t say anything about giving up.

“I was just quoting your words to show you the discrepancy between your claim that your parents’ poor treatment made you stronger “ And I am trying to show you that despite the suffering, it did serve some good. I told you that I have some guests in my house and compared to those two kids, I am a thousand times more mature than they are. They received too much love and freedom and so even the smallest criticism can make them cry. And they are the ages 16-18. The older one is diabetic, and her dad told her that she shouldn’t eat too much sugary content and she instantly got vex and went to her room to cry. Imagine that. She cried over one simple criticism. Comparing that to the severe comments my parents made towards me, I definitely feel stronger than her. Idek how she is going to survive in college if she is this fragile. The younger one is always saying some ridiculous and stupid thing all the time for no reason. He is going in to Grade 11 and this idiot has no awareness of his surroundings, always doing something stupid or saying something stupid and literally makes no sense. This kid drives me nuts with his foolishness I swear. So compared to that, I definitely feel stronger than them. That is the point I was trying to convey to you. Hope you understand.

Paradoxy