Hi Beni,

I think I had a breakthrough. I can suddenly say fuck off (in a nice way) to people and I say it to everything which appears in my experience and does not meet my needs.

Very good! So you can say No to the things you don’t want, to something that goes against your needs and your interests. Congratulations, Beni, that’s a big step!

Even to myself and I noticed that I can just shake my body like a child which cannot sit still to shake of freeze.

Also, you can say No to yourself. Is it in situations where you would want to indulge in things that you know are not good for you? Or in situations where your automatic reaction would be to freeze? But now you know better and you choose a more mature response, which is aligned with your true self?

Thanks Tee it really makes a different.

You are welcome, Beni, I am really glad this is helping you.

Yes, she kinda knows that intellectually but she has not been able to change it. That’s why I want to stay away atm.

Ah, she understands that you don’t want to be bossed around, but she can’t help but lash out from time to time, right?

It’s the other way around I do those things when I can get out of freeze which keeps me comply.

I mean I seek to have balance and stability but I will have my own strategies and not my mothers!

Alright, so when you are in freeze, you are kind of depressed, doing nothing, perhaps using drugs to numb the pain? And then when you get out of freeze, you try to achieve some of your own goals, but you feel like your mother is trying to tell you what to do and what to achieve, so it feels like she is trying to control you?

That would be in line with what you’ve said that you want to stay independent of her, and that refusing to clean the kitchen (i.e. refusing to obey her orders) is a way of maintaining that psychological independence. So perhaps staying in freeze is also a way to stay psychologically independent from her – because you are withdrawn in your own shell and unreachable to her, and so she cannot control you?

Ah I do such things. Maybe I can hug me more. Meditation is like that.

Good! I am glad you are practicing some of the somatic tools.

I think if I can stay in the space I’m right now I’m saved let’s see what happens in the next weeks.

You said that right now you are in the space where you are able to say No to other people’s requests, if they don’t align with your true needs. Do you think that with this new mindset, you’ll be able to participate in your father’s birthday party? Because earlier you said that you most probably won’t be able to go (My dad turns 60 and throws a big party I made shure I have time and I really want to go but right know it feels like I can’t go). Perhaps this has changed now?