Dear Dave:

Another update, 2 months and 10 days since the last one, and almost 1.5 years since your very first post (Jan 24, 2023). Good to read from you again!

After 14 years of marriage and three kids (2 preteens and a 3-year-old),  back in Jan 2023,  the relationship with your wife was unhappy and you were sleeping on the sofa. She told you that the two of you are “just too different”, that she “feels trapped“, and she complained that you were “lazy, sarcastic, unmotivated and show a general lack of initiative“. On Feb 7, 2023, the two of you attended your 1st couples counseling session. It was a good session and the morning after (you still sleeping on the sofa), she wanted to cuddle with you, and you felt somewhat optimistic. On Feb 14, 2023, the two of you had your 2nd couple counseling session where your wife complained that you were “negative, defensive and letting her lead on everything“, that you were “constantly around as opposed to having our own things going on“. You complained about the lack of intimacy, and you shared that you were “in a constant state of feeling out of control and emotional about our situation“, not knowing if “she either wants to try and work with me or make a decision to part ways”.

Four months later, on June 15, 2023, you posted a 4-month update: in early March 2023, while still living in the same house with your wife, you stayed the night at a friend’s house following having had too much to drink, and you lied to your wife about where you stayed that night. She found out, and “coupled with the fact she thinks we have nothing in common… and effectively (I) behave like a 4th child in the house – this is all too much for her, and she wants to end the relationship“. Following that early March incident and confrontation, the two of you were “separated and living apart amicably“.

On June 19, 2023, you shared: “The main problem is she no longer trusts or respects me, and for that reason cannot see a future in our relationship“.

On July 3rd, 2023, you shared that when living with her, you felt that she was your superior: “I have been pretending that I am her equal when mentally I still feel inferior and I need to dig into that“. You believed at the time that “moving into my own place and setting up a separate life… I feel I will start to  work out more who I am and what I want…  I have to discover the real me…  to be at peace with who I am and what I stand for“. You were about to start individual counseling at the time and “embrace a voyage of self discovery“.

Five months later, on Dec 4, 2023, you posted another update: a couple of months or so after moving out, the two of you “enjoyed some time in the bedroom, but it felt like that’s all it was, just a physical thing“.  At the 6-months separation point, you shared: “Nothing has really changed on the relationship front, we are still very amicable and text most days but very surface level and transactional“, and you were considering meeting someone new: “At the end of the day I could continue to wait around for her to change her mind which doesn’t seem likely or I can try and get myself back out there”.

More than 4 months later, on April 25, 2024, you shared that you met a woman from Ireland: “Not a lot has changed… I met a girl who gets me and seems really keen to be with me whilst understanding my complex situation… I feel happier and have spent so much time focusing on myself and my mental health. I run now about 40-70km a week which I have never done, I go to the gym and I’m trying to continue to challenge myself which I love“.

Not yet 3 months later, you shared today: “I recently ended my Irish fling… It has been 14 months since I separated from my wife… we still co-parent really well and she knows I am a good father… Is it wrong that I still continue to feel like there could be something still there between my ex and I???… On one hand I am so happy with my life right now and have rediscovered what I had lost during our marriage, but having been on dates and met other woman none are quite the same as her and it has me thinking and confused… Any advice welcome Dave“-

– I want to bring up a few things to you: (1) in your first post, Jan 2023, you shared that you met your wife after having “ just broken up from a relationship“. Fast forward, you just ended the relationship with the Irish woman (“I recently ended my Irish fling“), and you are thinking about getting back together with your estranged wife.

It may be that you have too much trouble being alone/ unattached to a woman, and when unattached, you quickly seek attachment, be it to a new woman or to an ex.

On Dec 5, 2023, you wrote: ” I feel very alone when my children are not there“. Feeling very alone/ too alone now, after recently being no-longer attached to the Irish woman?

(2) Life would be simpler financially and practically, if the next attachment would be to your now-estranged wife, wouldn’t it?

(3) There is a HUGE elephant in the room: “The main problem is she no longer trusts or respects me” (June 9, 2023). Unless this has drastically changed, getting back together with her would be a bad, bad idea.

Having re-read your posts this morning, I noticed that she complained about you a lot (that you are lazy and other disrespectful evaluations of who you are), but you didn’t complain at all about who she is. This is congruent with you feeling inferior to her, as in.. deserving her disrespect.

(4) You shared back in Feb 14, 2023, that you were “in a constant state of feeling out of control and emotional about our situation“. You don’t want to go back to that feeling out of control, do you? I mean, your estranged wife, if she still disrespects you (as she has for such a long time), it wouldn’t be a good idea to reunite with her because being disrespected day after day is bad for your mental health, and bad for your kids to observe.

anita