Hi Tee,
How’s your weekend going?

Slowmading…. wow, that’s a completely new term to me, needed to look it up. It says: ”someone who travels slowly – spending anywhere from 2 to 6 months in the same place. Some slowmads might even spend a whole year with the same home base.” Okay, got it: first you want to be a nomad, then slowmad 🙂

I’d say first my plan is for slowmadding. Since I would at least be spending one month in the place that I choose. And after that (Probably after marriage) Just settle down in one country.

So you hooked up with someone, after having a lot to drink? Is that what you’re saying? And then your young friend scolded you for that?

No not hookup. Just drinking and dancing. But my young friend scolded me because I joined the stranger group since it wasn’t that “trustful” area. Sometimes people get scammed that way.
Although they did drink the alcohol from my money and didn’t even ask. So I guess I did get partially scammed?😂 But I had fun, But yeah lession learned.

I don’t know if you should specially declare it. In the old days, when I was dating 🙂 it was somehow understood that you mean seriously if you start dating someone. By seriously I don’t mean that you are planning to tie the knot with the person, but to have a committed relationship with no predefined expiry date. So the intention was to stay together for as long as it feels right… and then of course many times the relationship did expire because of various incompatibilities. People did break up. But the intention was to at least in theory have a long-term relationship (at least that was my intention 🙂 ).

Old days dating was much simpler than this right? But looking at that it did also mean try again and again until you get the right partner. But when you get into fully committed relationship one after another in case they don’t work out wouldn’t it get hard to move on? And Tiring. Because then it feels like pure luck. It doesn’t matter what you do or what efforts you make.

That’s why I think you’d need to work on your fear of intimacy before you can be ready for a serious relationship (or a potentially serious – because there are no guarantees that things will work out.)

So do you suggest that I should wait even for dating? I’m not dating only for the sex part. I feel like I’m ignoring my physical needs for quite a while. I want to hug, cuddle and hold hands. I’m tired being tough guy who doesn’t needs hugs and kisses and always have to act strong.

It’s not so crucial that you tell her that you mean seriously, but that you know it within yourself, and then act accordingly. That you aren’t afraid to develop those “strings” (emotional and physical bond), so that your relationship has “strings attached”.

Okay that’s the answer that I was looking for. Thanks for clearing that out. And yeah I think if we say on level 1 to 5 I’m at 2.7 for not being afraid of developing the “strings”

I think the best is to let things develop organically. If someone is rushing things and suggests marriage on the first or second date, that’s of course suspicious and a red flag. But no woman (emotionally healthy woman) is afraid of a committed guy, who cares about her and is showing interest. Also, someone who listens to and takes into account her needs.

Okay I need to know psychology behind it. What’s wrong with when someone suggest (or more like mentioning and talking about marriage that’s what you mean right?) 2^nd LDR started talking about marriage and husband and wife stuff right after like 2 weeks. And then doctor also mentioned marriage I think around a month or so. But yeah, there was more than 2 dates. Heck even in my Senior Highschool days there was this girl. We were mostly spending time together. And she was one year older than me. So I was like 17 years old and she was like 18 years old. And she literally told her parents that she likes me and she wants to marry me and their parents came to my house for engagement proposal. And I wasn’t even at home. And my parents did actually like her too so they didn’t told them no. and then that evening they told me. And they be like it’s not you have to get married tomorrow. Just engagement for now and then get married after 2-4 years. I was able to say no right away. I guess I didn’t want to disappoint them. And I can’t even told the girl that I don’t love her. But after like few weeks when they started to discuss engagement dates, I snapped like what the heck am I doing? I’m still studying, Still have to build my career. I can’t do this just because I “like” this girl. And dodged that bullet.

So I don’t think you will scare her if you behave as if you mean seriously, relatively soon into the relationship. But I guess your problem is not that you’ll scare the woman with being too eager too soon. But rather you are scared of any kind of commitment (and specially of telling her that you mean seriously), because for you, commitment is tied to many negative things, things you are afraid of.

Maybe you could write down what being in a committed relationship means to you. For example, it might mean the following:

That’s right and thanks for the examples it’s really helpful

– giving up on my needs – At this point I don’t see it as a threat because I think now I can express my needs better

– giving her the right to hurt me – Working on this

– giving her the right to control me – Working on this since I was quite controlling myself

– being seen as a bad person if I have my own needs – Relevant in the past but not now

– being seen as a bad person if I don’t accept her wishes – Why wouldn’t I compromise a little on some of her wishes? Because the man has to step up (most of the time) for their partner’s wishes. Otherwise how would I be supportive if all I can think is my comfort?

– being seen as a bad person if I change my mind, – Yup I do think this. Since I believe you have to stick to what you say.

– being seen as a bad person if I stand up for myself. – I did this in the past

Does any of the above sound true for you? If so, those would be false beliefs that you would need to dissolve before you can let go of your fear of commitment.

Sorry, I didn’t quite get it: so this friend of yours has a habit of replying late, like 24 hours after you sent the text? And you’d like to receive a reply more swiftly and not have such a delay between messages, right?

Yes I don’t like late replies. Depends on the person but yeah.

Well, you always have the option to explain what bothers you and what you’d like instead. You do have the option to express your preferences, set boundaries, etc… what we’ve been talking about recently. This should reduce your fear of feeling helpless and trapped in the relationship…

Yes exactly. In the past If I had to repeat something it would make me angry and then give a silent treatment. But now I think I’m able to express myself little more clearer than before

Okay, it’s good that you’ve identified one of your key problems: lack of self-esteem and the belief that you are not good enough, which also applies to intimate relationships. The impostor syndrome, where you believe that some women are out of your league and you are surprised that they would even be interested etc.

So you’d need to keep working on your self-esteem, on believing that you are an asset, not an a** (similar word to asset, only without the last two letters 😀 ) Ha, this could be even used as an affirmation – provided that you don’t find it stupid or offensive 🙂

Haha good example. I’m actually thinking about starting affirmations and mirror work. But I don’t know mirror work feels funny but I think I’ll give it a try (again).

Cool! That’s why you’ll be nomading/slowmading for the next 3 years…

Yes mam

You didn’t feel loved and accepted by your mother when you expressed your protest, your hurt and anger against your father. Now, as an adult, you probably project your mother into your romantic partners, believing that they would be hurt and upset if you expressed your needs. You believe they would react the same as your mother, who felt hurt when you were disobedient and rebellious towards your father.

Yes that’s right

The truth is that if the girl is emotionally mature, she wouldn’t feel offended or threatened by your legitimate needs. Your mother did, but an emotionally healthy person wouldn’t.

That’s the thing that I need to remember.

Yes, the only option for you was to suppress your “negative” emotions (your anger and hurt), and so suppression became your automatic reaction. So now you’d need to feel all of your feelings (remember what Henry Cloud said: anger is a signal, not a solution). You don’t want to suppress your signalling system – because anger might be telling you that your boundaries are being crossed and that you are being violated. So you don’t want to suppress that very important signal.

But you also want to learn how to respond appropriately, without lashing out and exploding with anger. That’s the task ahead of you: to feel the signal (i.e. feel all your emotions), and then to respond appropriately (in a balanced way).

I don’t lash out that easily. But yeah Thanks for the good reminder from the Henry cloud. Gotta read those signals more.

Yeah, I am not an expert, but it doesn’t seem to me that you’d need to start taking medications. And if you go to a psychiatrist, I think that’s what they’ll suggest because that’s the main tool they have. I’d suggest finding another psychotherapist, if you feel the need for professional help, rather than going to a psychiatrist….

Haha you know the Therapist that I had kind of higher my bar so I feel like finding another psychotherapist wouldn’t be that easy. But I can try to have maybe some demo meetings. I looked it up online and there’s like lots specialist for different things. There was also for CPTSD but even my CPTSD isn’t that severe. So what kind of specialist I should find?

When you say short focus span, you mean when focusing on work, right? It occurs to me now that if there are suppressed emotions in your subconscious (your inner child), they always want to come to the surface. And so you need to distract yourself with something pleasurable so you wouldn’t feel those unpleasant emotions. So perhaps ADHD for you is a way to distract yourself, so you wouldn’t feel the unpleasant emotions.

Dopamine is high when we are motivated by a reward. If you feel not good enough, and that nothing you’ll achieve will ever be good enough – then it would make sense that your dopamine is low, because nothing can motivate you. Because every achievement seems futile – if it can never be good enough. Do you feel something like that? Like, the futility of even trying?

Haha very smart observation. Even psychiatrist wouldn’t be able to say that directly

Yeah, and you can learn how to be polite and kind in your expression, and yet firm. You don’t need to be rude, and yet, you can keep your boundaries. But of course, that needs practice…

Haha yeah, I don’t remember when was the last time someone called me rude. Firm but polite and kind does needs practice.

Good! You saw right through him – that appearances are more important to him than the real concern for his father – and you challenged him on that. And he didn’t know what to say – which is great! So you did speak up for yourself and refused his attempt to falsely accuse you of being inconsiderate/lacking empathy for your grandfather. Well done, SereneWolf!

I’m gradually able to see my positive progress now. That’s because of you. So thanks a lot Tee you’re like my guiding start!