Hi Tee,

Also, you can say No to yourself. Is it in situations where you would want to indulge in things that you know are not good for you? Or in situations where your automatic reaction would be to freeze? But now you know better and you choose a more mature response, which is aligned with your true self?

I wrote it like these to things are connected but they are not. I think what I meant was that some parts are actually not me, they are someone else. This part’s I send away. These parts often also make me doubt my own boundaries and needs.

Ah, she understands that you don’t want to be bossed around, but she can’t help but lash out from time to time, right?

Yes, she she’s it but can’t change it.

Alright, so when you are in freeze, you are kind of depressed, doing nothing, perhaps using drugs to numb the pain?

Drugs don’t work for me. I have not tried psychedelics maybe they could. Conventional drugs do not really help. Listening to music helps it kinda makes the pain more enjoyable. Eating also doesn’t work anymore to cope. To cope creates confusion and clarity I have no space for that in my mind.

And then when you get out of freeze, you try to achieve some of your own goals, but you feel like your mother is trying to tell you what to do and what to achieve, so it feels like she is trying to control you?

Yes, it’s like a port of her in me. I want that part to go away.

That would be in line with what you’ve said that you want to stay independent of her, and that refusing to clean the kitchen (i.e. refusing to obey her orders) is a way of maintaining that psychological independence. So perhaps staying in freeze is also a way to stay psychologically independent from her – because you are withdrawn in your own shell and unreachable to her, and so she cannot control you?

I think I do freeze because I need to suppress my boundaries to be able to please someone which does not respect them.

You said that right now you are in the space where you are able to say No to other people’s requests, if they don’t align with your true needs. Do you think that with this new mindset, you’ll be able to participate in your father’s birthday party? Because earlier you said that you most probably won’t be able to go (My dad turns 60 and throws a big party I made shure I have time and I really want to go but right know it feels like I can’t go). Perhaps this has changed now?

My body is very clear about that. It feels like no way. I tried to start a process with my dad but I think he lacks the empathy and curiosity to make me feel save. So I could open up and we could find a way which I can attend.
I think the main thing is that my mum said:” I don’t even know if you attend at the birthday”. From that point on it shifted and it feels too dangerous to risk my integrity. I feel it’s unfair to my dad cause he got in between also I do not know anyone else who could help, my mom has no close friends. I could call her psychiatrist.
Also I can accept how it is right now, it might be necessary for my mental health to split very clear for  me to fully let go.