Hi Beni,

It sometimes feels like that I am my mom and my self is this thing I can’t control. And all I wish is that I would not need to care about myself. It would just do what it is supposed to do.

I think what I meant was that some parts are actually not me, they are someone else. This part’s I send away. These parts often also make me doubt my own boundaries and needs.

It’s like a part of her in me. I want that part to go away.

This part is probably your inner critic: the internalized voice of your mother, who is telling you how you should live your life. Also, it seems this part criticizes and blames you for having needs of your own, for not putting your mother’s needs and wants first. It blames you for wanting to have a life of your own, separately of what she wants.

This part could perhaps be called the “Mother pleaser” (or more generally, the people pleaser): the part of you that feels guilty (and unlovable) for having his own needs and wants.

I think I had a breakthrough. I can suddenly say fuck off (in a nice way) to people and I say it to everything which appears in my experience and does not meet my needs. Even to myself and I noticed that I can just shake my body like a child which cannot sit still to shake of freeze.

It seems you had a breakthrough in the ability to say No to your inner critic: when your inner critic (your “Mother pleaser”) criticizes you for not abiding to your mother’s wishes, you don’t feel guilty as you used to, but you tell it to f*** off. You don’t chastise yourself, but you respect your own boundaries, and your own needs. Is that what’s happening?

My body is very clear about that. It feels like no way. I tried to start a process with my dad but I think he lacks the empathy and curiosity to make me feel save. So I could open up and we could find a way which I can attend.

What do you feel you need from him so you could attend the party? What is it that you fear the most might happen at the party (if you feel comfortable answering)?

I think the main thing is that my mum said:” I don’t even know if you attend at the birthday”. From that point on it shifted and it feels too dangerous to risk my integrity.

Do you feel that was a criticism from your mother? That she was chastising you for not wanting to be at the party (thus showing a lack of empathy and understanding for you)?

I feel it’s unfair to my dad cause he got in between also I do not know anyone else who could help, my mom has no close friends. I could call her psychiatrist.

You mean you would like someone (e.g. her psychiatrist) to talk to your mother, so she would change her behavior towards you, and would stop hurting you with her demands and expectations? So you would feel safer around her?

If so, I am afraid that’s not a realistic expectation, because you can’t really control her behavior. What you can control is your reaction to her behavior.

For example, if you want to feel safe around her, you would need to be able to set healthy boundaries, rather than expect her to be perfectly compassionate and not hurt you with her behavior. In other words, you would need to stop hoping that she would change – you would need to change so that her behavior isn’t hurting you and throwing you off balance anymore.

I am not claiming that you indeed are expecting your mother to change, but mentioning it just in case, because that’s often what we hope for: that our parents would finally change and give us what they haven’t given us in childhood. Which is a misguided hope…