Dear Klast:

You are welcome!  “I am just well aware that there is more going on out there than we humans can possibly understand or comprehend. Intuition, the feeling of being watched, close relatives instantly knowing something has happened to the other… All my life until now, … I would rationalise to myself ‘If the universe is a zero sum game, I am just balancing out someone else’s extremely good luck’“- I agree that there is more, way more going on out there (and here) than we humans can possibly understand, and I believe that what is not going out here-and-there is an entity that determines an individual’s quality and quantity of life before the individual is born (or at birth, or after), nor does an entity balance one person’s good luck by imposing bad luck on another person.

I am mentioning this because a belief in (bad) fate/ destiny prevents healing and progress that are possible for a person.

“I know I have lots of potential in other areas, just not in areas that would improve my quality of life“- quality of life takes place primarily in the distance between one’s ears. As you know, there are plenty of people who are appear physically healthy/ intacta, with plenty of money who are miserable

“I had a really tough childhood… my expressive aphasia… My brain tumour was right next to the Broca’s speech area, so I can have what I want to say lined up in my mind, but vocalising it, making myself heard is really difficult for me… When a child is subjected to some form of emotionally damaging trauma, their emotional development stops… I suffered abuse(s) as a child“- I am sorry that you too suffered abuses as a child and that you suffer from expressive aphasia. From personal experience, I have learned that ongoing, repeating child abuses harm a the child’s brain development and the consequence: brain damage, to one extent or another. In my case, childhood abuses resulted in lifetime Tourette Syndrome (TS), Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), and learning disabilities. I experienced much healing (intentional healing)  from 2.5 decades-long Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

“I’ve known about the serenity prayer for ages. I just thought it never applied to me, until now, now that I feel that I have run out of options“- connecting the serenity prayer to what I shared above, I have to accept TS, ADD and learning disabilities as parts of my life, and I am glad that I had the courage to change the OCD part.

“I know that this discussion is the continuation of my general emotional development that has been frozen since I suffered abuse(s) as a child. I have been using my intelligent abstract brain to compartmentalise and push away any attempts to restart it, until now“- I relate to these two sentences very much. My emotional development did freeze, as I was disconnected and dissociated from my child-self ever since I remember myself: I never got to be a child (maybe in the very early years which I don’t remember). It is only lately, in my later years, following years of intentional healing, that I feel like a child (when interacting/ connecting with people): a new feeling to me, a joyful feeling!

anita