Oh wow thanks everyone for their helpful comments. I love this community. @msmaedae I took your advice to write what I wanted for myself. And I love your comment about learning how strong you are and better at coping than you think. Thank you so much for that. (I write a lot, but it tends to be how I feel, and ruminating type stuff, all very negative- which helps to get it out, but tends to also keep me stuck). What I want is to be happy. First and foremost. And I want to be in a committed relationship, and I want to have a family. But most of all, I want to know I can cope with what life throws at me, and be OK INSIDE. And I think sadly this ending/breakup or “the relationship that never quite was” has pushed me to the side a bit and I’m finding it hard to garner my strength. But I am trying. Small steps and all that. Just need to find my way back to the path!!

@guru and @kelly how are you doing? I’m still no contact, but almost broke it again last night. I still feel a bit like I’m putting rose tinted spectacles on how things were. I ask myself, did he treat me right? Did he make me feel like an awesome person? No. He made me feel anxious, on edge, never sure of his feelings and what he wanted. Then I was trapped in thinking about what HE wanted and I lost myself in that. ANd now I am thinking constantly about what he is thinking and if/when he might make the positive changes to himself that he needs to go through to feel “ready” for me. Its like I can’t let go of that small hope that while its not meant to be NOW, it might be meant to be LATER. THAT HE WILL COME BACK. Its helping me cope a bit, but its also keeping me stuck. Anyone else have that? I still feel like there’s a bit of a grey sheen over everything at the moment and I’m not very happy. I am still crying a lot and I’m still really, really sad. I keep telling myself I am enough but I don’t quite believe it…..