Pardon my language in this post!
I have just ended a relationship with the father of my unborn child because of emotional abuse, and I am feeling extraordinarily confused.

I am interested to read these stories and see that many people struggle with this same issue. I find it difficult to label my partner a ‘narcissist’ or a ‘manipulator’ and at my lowest have found myself wondering ‘am I the toxic one?’ ‘am I the manipulator?’ And also through the haze I can see how in so many ways, I constructed this situation by myself – I allowed it to happen, I almost gave him the map for free – ‘here is how to take me for a ride’. I revealed all to him, and far too soon, and now I feel trapped (although I know I”m not, I will always be bonded to him through our baby).

I find myself in a very painful situation with someone who claims to be ‘awakened’ and is very interested in the path of enlightenment and non-duality. However, I have seen over time that his words and actions do not match, and I hate to say it but I believe he uses these discourses as a cop-out to avoid any sort of commitment or true intimacy. I think to some degree I have been sucked in by this individual, believing them to be honourable and just, but have learned over the course of the relationship (and denied to myself) that in fact, it is a hollow mask concealing someone who is hurt and angry at the world. I am also guilty of pretending, because I did not leave when I began to think these things about him. Instead, I found myself berating myself for my ‘judgements’ and trying to practice compassion and so excusing the inexcusable, so much as to start believing it was my fault and that I deserved this. Apologising when he swore at me and attacked my character. At worse, I have succumbed to shouting and being insecure, questioning him and second-guessing him and not trusting him, and pretending outwardly that things are otherwise. The more unsure I felt about him, the more I tried to convince myself and him that this was ‘forever’…that we were meant to me. When I should have been saying ‘we need to be apart’ I found myself saying ‘lets get married’. Totally insane.

I am in the second trimester of my pregnancy with his child.

We recently went on a holiday that I paid for as a gift to both of us (a babymoon) and he behaved appallingly. His priority was drinking beer. Knowing that I couldn’t drink and wanted to join him because I like a glass of wine in the evening, he pressured me to drink. He then berated me for feeling guilty because I had a glass. I got upset in a bar and said I was tired and wanted to go home, and he laughed in my face and rolled his eyes at me. Later he got completely drunk and accused me of having something with some guy who ‘looked’ at me in the bar. He later got up in the night and urinated all over the room thinking he was in the toilet. I cleaned it up because he told me to fuck off and went to sleep in the other room when I tried to get him to help me. He apparently was asleep and had no memory this the next day. His response was to laugh at me. He thought this was funny. I saw some funny side to it, but I was hurt and frustrated. He later gave mixed messages about fidelity in the relationship and when I wanted to discuss it, swore at me, stormed out of the room and would not discuss it with me. He failed to comfort me when it made me cry. I took space from him the next week and felt better.

It has ended this weekend because I had a mini-meltdown (Pregnant, exhaustion, very stressful day at work and an unfinished project hanging over me for a very long time). Initially he was sort of comforting telling me I was being too hard on myself, but it soon turned cold and nasty, with him swearing at me and turning his back and telling me I am ‘too F**ing needy’, and there is nothing that puts him off more than needy. To stop feeling sorry for myself. I was obviously hurt, and eventually he made it clear he wanted to me to go away, telling me to f** off, and he just wanted peace and quiet. I slept in the other room. I asked him where he was that evening and he got very cagey. So I started to pry which was wrong, and he slowly revealed the details of his evening, but reluctantly. I battled urges to check his phone. The next evening was worse again. Tears, and me sleeping in the other room. He said sorry for not handling the situation very well, but that he was tired. I told him I need extra support at the moment because I feel hormonal and upset with myself about my non-finishing. I said I was going to pregnancy yoga, as maybe I need support from other pregnant women and I am asking too much of him. I went in to apology mode as if I had done something wrong to him. That day he text me to ask what I was doing after work. I didn’t get a chance to reply straight away. I had already told him that morning anyway. He then said ‘Yoga. I’ll answer my own questions. Enjoy’. To which I responded ‘yes – and meeting my friend X after work, so I’ll see you at home later tonight’. He did not reply, and I later text him to say I hoped he was enjoying the sun. He responded in a language he knows I do not understand, so I did not reply. When I got home I found him asleep in the other room. I smiled and said hello, and he would not look at me. He seemed to have been drinking. I asked him why he was in the other room and he said ‘because it’s nicer in here’. So I retreated into bed. Fifteen minutes later he came in and asked me repeatedly and aggressively what I was talking to my friend about. I started to answer, but he persisted. Over and over, accusatory ‘what were you talking to her about?’ Then ‘you were probably talking about YOURSELF’. I started to explain myself but then realised he had no right to do this and told him to get out. The next morning he attacked me, calling me crazy and off my rocker. I stayed at my dads. The next evening I unfortunately came home after deciding I was going to tell him this relationship was not working for me but he started his accusations and twisted everything around, and so lost it with him. I said I wanted to end the relationship. He denied his behaviour and tried to blame me, and attacked me as a person verbally. Started ranting about me not telling him where I was (even though I text him the whole time to let him know my plans) Said I had to deal with my issues of abandonment (he is the one who was feeling abandoned). It descended into a shouting match and I showed myself to be just as bad as him, losing my cool and not letting him talk and being a bit incoherent and hysterical. He denied what he did, said that I was crazy, in fear, angry, full of anger, do not love myself, on and on and on it went. That I’m not well. I told him I was sick of being disrespected and wanted him to leave. I went to my dads and haven’t seen him since but I think getting him out of the house is going to be a battle.

I look at this situation from afar and I can see he felt guilty for the way he spoke to me and then felt hurt that I stayed away and visited with friends (even though he told me I was wrecking his head and to fuck off) and was afraid what I was talking about (him, he thought) because he knew he was in the wrong. At so many junctures in this relationship he has shown me I am not important to him. His main concern is himself and what people think of him. At this time in my life, being pregnant with his baby, I had hoped for more love and care but it is absent, or very inconsistent at best. Like he resents having to care about me.

I am now carrying his child and stuck in a situation where I have ended the relationship because I cannot tolerate the disrespect any longer. The trouble is I have done this twice before and taken him back, so I don’t think he believes it is really over. I am scared to see him again. When I told him that I was pregnant, we had just broken up. I gave him the option of not being together. I said we could do this apart if he preferred. He wanted to get back together. I did, and it has been a terrible mistake.

Reading what I have written, I cannot believe I have taken this terrible behaviour from him for so long. I don’t understand why I have accepted this. It was almost like I got brainwashed into this ‘spirituality’ he claims to live by, feeling guilty for not accepting this treatment when I tried to stand up for myself.

Be very very very careful of people who profess to be on a path of spirituality. Just because they are ‘seekers’ does not mean they are awake. Ask yourselves why you have allowed someone to treat you badly. I am still caught in a web in my mind of trying to blame him and focusing on what he has done to me (victimhood). I know this is not helpful, and I am trying my best to stay in the present moment and look at what is.

I still feel like i love him, but I know that I cannot tolerate this treatment. He said I don’t love myself, but I feel like I am starting to a lot more, and leaving him reinforces that because why would someone stay with a person treating them like this?

I hope I have done my child a favour by leaving this person.