Rewa,

I am a bit confused about what your expectations are. Has someone always told you what you have to do? Perhaps told you that if you do certain things you are good, and if you do other things you are bad? Such moral guidelines are cultural, and those who do not share your culture, may not understand your peril.

It is not completely clear to me, but it looks like you have now gone against the cultural expectations, or at least you desire to do so? There really isn’t an easy way through such a situation. Either you will submit to the cultural expectations or you will hold onto your own integrity. Wishing that things were different isn’t going to make them different. None of us can bend the reality to make it easier for you.

What ever you decide to do, it has to be your choice, and you carry the responsibility of that choice. It may sound daunting, but it’s not. Right now you are neither making choices nor taking responsibility, and it’s killing you. You have no control over your own life, and you are asking others to control it for you. That can not happen.

Be honest with yourself and what it is that you want. Or what it is that you don’t want. Express those needs clearly to the people in your life. They might be more understanding than you think. If they are not, then you have to ask yourself, which is more important to you: to be true to your own integrity or to please others. There is no right or wrong answer, but you can’t be wishy washy and carry on in the state that you are in right now.

If you want things to go the way you want them to go, then you have to take the responsibility that comes with free will. If you are not ready to take the responsibility, then you will need to let go of the free will. Both ways are fine and can lead to happiness, but you do have to choose. Whether or not you are seen as a bad person by others regardless of what you choose is cultural and not some ultimate truth.